11 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

Noted.

Yesterday my wife asked me what size dress she should order online.  I suggested a 'Mark F'.
When she asked what that was I replied 'Its one up from a Mark E'

I've just woken up in hospital.  The food's not too bad, though I have to suck it through a straw.

I don't mean to brag, but I have sychic power.
For example, I know what all of you are thinking right now, "it's spelled psychic you idiot."

As I went to the bus stop, I saw a heavily pregnant woman there.
"When's it due?" I asked.
"Two weeks," she replied, with a lovely smile on her face.
"Well I might as well walk then..." I said

I've just won the 'Most secretive person 2022' award.
I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Stephen has just won second place in a Fidel Castro lookalike contest.
Close, but no cigar....

Chatting to a guy at work, he happened to slip that I was known as the office computer amongst the other employees.

"That must be due to my high intelligence and fast operating speed", I said.
"No" he said, "You go to sleep if left alone for more than 15 minutes"

I went to a night club last night...
I said: "Do you do a 60s night?"
The manager said: "We used to."
I said: "When?"
He said, "In the 60s."

My wife and I always agreed we would not go to bed angry with each other. 

Now we've been awake since Monday.

2 hours ago, Zyxel said:

You always end up with 3 because----- just in case----

22 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

 

If so, you could be entitled to compensation if you make a personal Ian Dury claim.

You Blockhead! 

10 hours ago, Zyxel said:

Only after he's flushed you out! ????