When I was on holiday in Scotland I heard about this mythical creature that keeps ringing doorbells.

 

The locals call it the knock less monster.

I went on a rock climbing course but I struggled with the lesson on how to get the slack out of a safety rope.

 

I guess some things cannot be taut.

Trying to add some fun to our sex life, I didn't tell my wife that I replaced our bed with a trampoline. When she found out she hit the ceiling.

Team of eight bust major drug ring in?????

Why is there only one monopolies commission?

Walking into a store I met a woman whose shirt said "Guess".

I said "fake".

The Dr tells me that I'll be on solid food in about a week.

AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of soda I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The soda is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. 
I put the soda on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.
But first I'll water the flowers.  I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of soda sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

A mother is sat on her young son's bed as he says is goodnight prayers and is shocked to hear him say
"Please God, send some clothes for all the ladies on Grandpa's computer".

(Not my grandson, obviously )

I get tired of constantly repeating
repeating myself.

I’ve found marriage to be very educational.
For example, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge.

On 11/12/2022 at 9:20 AM, ballpoint said:

Works a treat!