Bloke in the pub  asked me last night " name 3 Qatar Players"

I said " Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and George Harrison"

I didn't know what to get my 9 year old scouse nephew for his birthday, so I put 20 quid in his Nan's purse.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 2 minutes?

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it.

While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.

When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other ...

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer and come to bed.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

Doctor: "I'm very sorry but you don't have long to live."

Patient: "How much longer do I have, doc?"

Doctor: "Ten."

Patient: "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"

Doctor: "Nine.. eight ... seven ..."

What should you do if you're attacked by a group circus acts? Go straight for the juggler.

 

I saw a movie about how ships are put together. It was riveting.

 

A screwdriver sits down at a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!" The screwdriver replies, "Who names a drink 'Steve?"

A bloke asked me, "What is the quickest way to the next town?". 

I said, "are you walking or driving?". 

He said, "driving". 

I said, "yeah, that's the quickest way".