Excuse me love, you seem to have dropped your <deleted> ????????

A post that crossed the line, even for this thread, has been removed.

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Recently I was fingered for a crime.

Which seems like a weird punishment.

I really must hand it to you for your "jokes"!

 

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

As I was sat in the Chinese restaurant last night, the wife said to me, "What made you decide to go with the duck?"

"He's better company." I replied, putting the phone down.

If I was your wife I would not be so much worried that you went out with a Duck but rather that it was a male Duck!  Are quacking up?

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I'm at the age where I have to use a lubricant before having sex with my wife.
Usually about eight or nine pints

How do you know when it is time to go home from the Pub and make love to the wife?

Keep a photo of her in your wallet and after each pint have a look at it.  

When her picture finally looks pretty you know it is time to go home and try and give her one! 

1 hour ago, dcsw53 said:

But I suggest you do not do that in the supermarket etc!

You might end up having meals for one in a police cell!

1 hour ago, dcsw53 said:

I agree!

But! What about his ability to undo the scout leaders flies?

 

 

PS;  

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first brownie.

 

PPS;  Above PS added for balance.  You know would never insult any group!

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

I really must hand it to you for your "jokes"!

 

They're just bits of rubbish that I palm off on you lot

5 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

They're just bits of rubbish that I palm off on you lot

I suppose you want a thumbs up for that!

Little Jonnie at School Again!
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. 
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

 

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher. 

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." 

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. 

 

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

 

"$2,467," he said. 
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" 
"Toothbrushes and toothpaste," said Little Johnny. 
"Toothbrushes and ...," echoed the teacher, 
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" 
"I found the busiest corner in town and me and my friend Joe set up two stalls," said Little Johnny, 
"Joe set up a Dip & Chip stand. He gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing as they walked towards me, "Hey, this tastes like sh!t!" 

 "It is sh!t." I would shout!

 

"Wanna buy a toothbrush and toothpaste?"

 

At an international Christian Church camp, three boys were talking about where babies come from.
A German boy said that the stork brings babies, while a French boy said it involved the mother and father. The American boy was silent.

After some prodding, he finally said

 

“Well, with us it depends on whether you’re from a red state or a blue one.”
 

A callow youth walks into a Theatrical Agent's office gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

The lad is finally ushered into the agents office by the receptionist to meet Dandy Dan DeVille,  Theatrical Agent extraordinaire.

 

“Son, time is money,” says DeVille, “and I see you brought a cardboard box, which interests me so slightly I’m already feeling like I’m hemorrhaging cash talking with you.”

Still beet red, the young man now develops a tic yet manages to stammer, “I have a m-m-musical a-a-act.”

DeVille says, “Well, for my sake, it better not be vocal.”

The youth opens the box in his lap and removes a tiny piano and an even tinier stool, which he places gently in front of the keys.

DeVille, curious, leans in.

 

The youth then produces a gray mouse, which he sets on the stool. Reaching back inside the box, he pauses, then slowly withdraws his hand, and Deville sees a lovely monarch butterfly alighting on the lad’s finger. The butterfly flutters down to the table beside the piano. Taking a deep breath, the lad snaps his fingers.

At this, the mouse starts playing “Misty” on the piano and the butterfly starts singing in the most lush soprano Deville has ever heard.

DeVille is dumbfounded.

 

The lad snaps his fingers again, and the mouse starts playing “O Mio Babino Caro,” with the butterfly skillfully navigating the aria with ease.

Tears welling in his eyes at the beauty of this performance, DeVille fumbles in his desk, pulls out a contract with five layers of carbon copies, and shoves it in front of the young man.

“This is the single greatest act I’ve seen in 27 years of doing this,” says DeVille. “We’ll do Madison Square Garden, Royal Albert Hall, the Bolshoi. Son, you’re rich. Hell, WE’RE rich. Just sign the contract and make this official, and I’ll have you headlining across the globe!”

 

The young man picks up the paperwork, reads it, and sweat starts pouring from his brow. He loosens his tie and mops his forehead with it.

“Is th-th-this a legal d-d-document?” he asks hesitantly. “Could I go to j-j-jail?”

“Son, why would you even ask such a stupid question? You’re on the cusp of millions!” DeVille shouts.

“Well, you see,” the young man explains, 

 

“the b-b-butterfly can’t really sing. The m-m-mouse is a ventriloquist.”

Cheesy so called cha-up lines!;

 

I hope you have a library card? 
Because I‘m checking you out.

 

As she‘s leaving…. 
Him; Hey aren‘t you forgetting something? 
Her; What? … 
Him; Me!

 

Baby, if you were words on a page, you‘d be what they call fine print.

 

Baby, you‘re the next contestant in the game of love.

 

Can I get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist? 
 

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

I suppose you want a thumbs up for that!

You nailed it.

6 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

You nailed it.

I will file that under finger pointing again!

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first brownie.

The boy scouts, but the girl guides????

16 minutes ago, VocalNeal said:

The boy scouts, but the girl guides????

And when do the Temptations join in with "Gettin' Ready" for 
"Cloud Nine" etc?

12 hours ago, ballpoint said:

As I was sat in the Chinese restaurant last night, the wife said to me, "What made you decide to go with the duck?"

"He's better company." I replied, putting the phone down.

... "and there was no argument about who got the bill".