On the subject of cows!

 

I told my daughter,

“Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

Puzzled, she asked,

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

I chuckled,

 

"Well, that means It’s pasture bedtime!”

When I was young boy teenager! 
At bedtime my mum's sister used to tell me stories with a happy ending. 
Just one of the benefits of having a Thai masseuse as an aunt I guess!

What do you call your angry French Auntie?
A croissant!

A Canadian (insert any Nationality of choice) was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

 

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

 

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

 

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside.

 

The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."

 

The American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence.

 

The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with your bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

 

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

 

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

 

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

 

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

 

"What a stupid question why we throw them away, of course!"

 

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile.

 

"We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

 

"Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

20 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Poor chap doesn't realize the gravity of his situation.

1 hour ago, chickenslegs said:

Poor chap doesn't realize the gravity of his situation.

But he will end up with a smashing time of it!

1 hour ago, ravip said:

Probably gets a better response from the tuna tin!

Especially if it's tunaed in to his tastes!

 

 

1 hour ago, Zyxel said:

Purple Reign?

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Or could it be a Muslim suicide school?

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....
...if I could just get the right people to do it to themselves!

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold.
They left him hanging.

A Kiwi, an Australian and a Welshman are hanging out together on a farm...
The Kiwi notices a sheep that has become stuck in fence trying to squeeze in between the rails.

"I'll just be a minute, lads" says the Kiwi as he runs over and humps the helpless sheep.

After a good tussle, he rejoins his comrades as the Aussie pipes up:

"Well, I don't see why not!" He then runs over and humps the sheep.

The Welshman waits for the Aussie to pull up his trousers and saunters over the poor, ravaged sheep.

He grabs her by the hind legs and pulls her out of the fence.

"What are you doing? Don't you want to have a go?" asks the Kiwi.

"I need to turn her over first" replies the Welshman.

"But....why?" asks the Aussie.

Exasperated by the ignorance of his companions, the Welshman looks back and replies:

 

"How else do you expect me to kiss her?"

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.
"I'm s s sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied.

"It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue."

"I had to stop as I could feel it starting to happen already!"