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^Putting a ring on a woman's finger is like pulling the ring on a liferaft

 

 

 

I knew that tyre cover would come in handy one day.

 

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Come off it!

But if true I would have to hand it to you (figuratively speaking that is)!

 

 

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

 

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you to a tree in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

 

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to the tree. Back to the house went the farmer.

 

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. *"Son," he said, *"Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"*

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,

 

"For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!"

Moscow newspapers
In Moscow, an old grandmother goes to the newspaper store, buys a newspaper, glances at the front page headlines  briefly, and immediately throws it away.

The next day, the grandmother goes to the store again, buys a newspaper, looks at it briefly, and immediately throws it away.

So it goes day in and day out, one morning the sales clerk asks the grandmother curiously:

"Grandmother, why do you always throw away the newspaper immediately?"

Whereupon the grandmother answers, "... oh, I just look at the obituaries...".

The salesman is astonished,

"But the obituaries are not on the front page...".

The grandmother replies,

 

"The obituary I'm waiting for will be on the front page!"

5 hours ago, oxo1947 said:

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Another "Winner" of the Worst Joke Ever. :)