4 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Muhammad is the man to follow!

17 minutes ago, ravip said:

A sign in a shoe repair store, "We will heel you,  We will save your sole, 
We will even dye for you!"

 

At an Eye Clinic: "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”;

 

On a Plumber's truck : "We repair what your husband fixed”;

 

In a Restaurant window :  "Don't stand there and be hungry;  come on in and get fed up.”;

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully.  We'll wait.”;

 

Sign on the back of  Septic Tank Truck :
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

To add, 'ears pierced while you wait.' 

59 minutes ago, brianthainess said:

To add, 'ears pierced while you wait.' 

How much did it cost the pirate to have his ears pierced?
A buck an ear

Peanut in the ear!
Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door, they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation.

He tells them he's studying medicine and not to worry about a thing.

He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow. The nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.....

"So....." the wife says,

"What do you think he'll become after he finishes school ... a General Practitioner or a Surgeon?"

"Well....." says the man, rubbing his nose,

 

“By the smell of his fingers I think he's likely to become a gynaecologist."

The Woman and the Farmer!
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said,

'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said.

'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.

'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman,

'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said

 

'what a coincidence'!

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed!

His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.
“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked

“why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said

“I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence.

A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.” And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence.

A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went

“God bless mommy, and good bye daddy.”

Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened.

He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late.
“I had the worst day of my life.” Said the father.

“If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me!"

"My boss died in the middle of our weekly meeting this afternoon!”

The next stage of Mayor Khan's project comes into force today.

These climate change activists need to relax!

I don’t have a carbon footprint
I Just drive everywhere instead of walking!

It has been proven that Greta Thunberg is making a real difference to climate change in the UK.
Every time she comes on the TV approximately 10 million people switch their TVs off!

Plumber Miscommunication!
One day, a family started hearing loud talking coming from underneath the ground in their backyard.

They figured maybe the plumber who did some work yesterday left a smartphone down there.

 

They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about climate change and UFO’s.

 

They called the plumber to ask about the problem.

“ Phone? I didn’t leave a phone behind..... Oh, I see the problem. I installed a skeptic tank instead of a septic tank.”

 

 

I have a feeling that I may be swearing too much in texts when autocorrect changes Duck Hunt to F**k C**t!!

20 minutes ago, Crossy said:

The G-Spot of flowers!

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