Egyptians claim to have invented the guitar.
I think they are lyres.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging

that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a

special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After

several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a

wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to

wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you

got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the

handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.

Get in."

How do you make a Maltese cross?

 

Stand on his foot.

12 hours ago, ravip said:

That's me, between 2.00pm and 5.00pm.

 

- [🦜 ] I think I am becoming a social vegan….*I am avoiding meets.* 

- [🦜] I accidentally sprayed my Axe deodorant in my mouth. Now when I talk, I have a weird *axe scent*. 

- [🦜] I am thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. *Remains to be seen*

- [🦜] What do you call a bedpan in Russia? A *Poo-tin*

- [🦜] 6:30 is the best time on the clock. *Hands down.* 

- [🦜] What does a house wear? *Address*

- [🦜] My brother has been trying to make my neighbour wear his hearing aid. *He just won’t listen*

Lady goes into a pet shop and sees a beautiful parrot in a cage.
“What a beautiful bird,” she exclaims, “How much is it?”
“ Twenty quid” replies the shopkeeper, “ but I have to warn you, he’s got a bit of previous, hence the price. Grew up in a brothel so he’s seen a few things and his language can be a little fruity sometime.”
Ignoring the warning, the lady pays £20 and takes the bird home.
Once there she puts the bird in the living room, takes the cover off, and the bird has a good look around.
“New place,” says the parrot. “Nice wallpaper, new furniture. Very nice”.
Later that afternoon the lady’s daughters come home. The bird looks them up and down, “New place, new girls. Nice. Very nice”.
That evening the lady’ s husband returns from work.
“Hello Keith” says the bird.

I fell asleep the other night at a friend's party and woke up to find that my friends had stuck a tea bag in my mouth. I was livid.

Nobody makes a mug out of me!

 

I was feeling lonely so I started a small business.
It's nice to have a little company.

I put my hand out to stop a bus today, but it just kept going.
As I went under the wheels, I realised it only works for Superman.