I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"

She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."

"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

I was shocked when my daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.
"Why do you want to do that?" I said.
"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied.

I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"

He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell".

I bought my wife a pair of diamond earrings last month and she hasn't talked to me since.

That was part of the deal.

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ....
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"…..