Dear Dad,

Oxford is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college after the holidays with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB, when all my lecturers, and many fellow students, travel here by train.

Your son, Rishi.

 

My dear loving son,

The sum of twenty million pounds has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad.
 

 

14 minutes ago, ravip said:

MMA contender for biggest rear naked choke. 

7 hours ago, ballpoint said:

And that folks, is how I got rich!  🙄😊😊

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

Love you! she said, and then she got all excited,

She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing s*x ever...

 

Which is odd because she's never been interested in darts before.

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

 

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way to fly!’ Again, he is received with icy silence. He decides to go for one last gambit with Cathy Pacific. ‘Move beyond?’

 

The stewardess, fuming by this point, slammed down her paper, turned right to him and yelled ‘What the £¥%# do you want?!’

 

‘Ah ha!’ the man cried in realisation. ‘Qantas!’

My seatmate on a flight was a woman.
Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

A flight is on its way to Paris when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

 

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

 

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

 

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

 

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

 

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

 

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

 

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

 

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Paris “

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Father replied, "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.

 

The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.

 

The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off.

 

Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him.

After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"