Dave walked into a bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news team was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Dave and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Dave says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." He put £20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her £20 to Dave, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Dave replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Army traditions and discipline run deep. A regiment had a new CO. On inspection he saw two soldiers guard a bench. He asked the reason.
"We don't know, Sir. The last CO told us to do so. It is a regimental tradition."
The CO searched for the phone number of the last commander. He called him and got the reply.
"I don't know. The previous commander had the guards. I kept the tradition."
He went back to another three COs until he located an 80 year old retired General.
"Excuse me, Sir, I'm now the CO of your regiment which you commanded 50 years ago. I find two men assigned to guard a bench. Could you please tell me about the bench?"
Retired General, "What? Is the paint still wet?"

A bus load of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.
The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down. Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.

 Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had better check it out. He pulled the bus to the side of the road and walked to the back of the bus.

There he found a little bald-headed old man crawling around on his hands and knees. The driver asked, "What the hell are you doing down there?"
The bald-headed man looked up and said,

"I lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I had it twice, but mine is parted on the side."

What Is the Number One Complaint from Tesla Employees?
No matter where you are in the facility it always smells a little musky
 

Lie detector
**After hearing complaints of his son from school, the dad bought home a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner:

DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?

SON : At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Okay I went to the movies!

DAD : Which one?

SON : Harry Potter (robot slaps Son again!) Okay I was watching porno.

DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno! (robot slaps dad)

MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son! (robot gives Mum a slap)

A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...
"I'd like your newest and best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll be wanting The Damn Ham then," he replies.

Taken aback, she exclaims, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our latest and best ham - The Damn Ham."

"Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham then!"

 

Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives.

"Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?"

"The Damn Ham," she tells him.

"What has gotten into you?" he asks. "You know that we do not use that kind of language in this house."

"No, dear, that's the name of this ham - The Damn Ham," she explains.

"Oh, I see. Well, The Damn Ham smells delicious!"

 

After a while, the two of them and their two teenage sons are sitting at the table enjoying a well made dinner. Going in for seconds, the preacher turns to his wife and asks, "Dear, could you pass me more of The Damn Ham?"

One of the sons jumps up, slaps the table, and yells,

 

"That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the <deleted> peas while you’re at it Mum!"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'

Sending a written message, the captain replied:

'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'

Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'

'No, Madam,' said the first officer as they entered!

 

 

'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

Soldiers and Airmen can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement but everyone in the Navy can fathom it.

17 minutes ago, fangless said:

Soldiers and Airmen can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement but everyone in the Navy can fathom it.

If they can't, they'll end up six feet under.

Quote

If they can't, they'll end up six feet under..

too deep for me.

5 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

too deep for me.

Not deep enough for the Crabfats or Pongoes said the Fishhead!

(UK Military will understand!)