My wife told me she is going to give up smoking next year,i am not happy!

A bit late for Christmas but I guess most of you already know this !!

 

 

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Time for a bit of culture me thinks:

( not sure if this is Keats or Wordsworth but one of the greats for sure ).

 

A BOXING DAY POO

 

You sit upon the toilet
With everything prepared
You're feeling quite excited but
A little bloody scared!

That huge amount of Christmas nosh
Has turned into a log
And now the fateful time has come
To flush it down the bog!

But first you must expel the beast
And so you start to strain,
You bite down on a piece of wood
To take away the pain

But oh my god, its bloody huge
It's like you're giving birth!
You sweat and push and swear and shake
and strain for all your worth.

And then that magic moment comes,
That fills your soul with cheer,
A turd the size of King Kongs arm
Emerges from your rear.

And like a bomb it hits the pan
Thus lightening your mood,
And making room inside your guts
For lots more Christmas food!

14 hours ago, billd766 said:

Nice view                                  of the bridge.

Personally I thought it a bit of a bummer but the bridge was nice!

7 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Time for a bit of culture me thinks:

I should have saved my "bummer" comment(see above) to respond to your logistical poem.  Really funny!

1 hour ago, sanuk711 said:

 

Blow me!  I don't think I would trust their services.  I would be worried that they might just get too vigorous or demand "extras".

50 shades of Grey in the Men's Shed 

 

We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion. He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house. The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.

At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel. Here are their experiences:

Bill Carruthers, 74
We tried various positions round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

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Nick Enwright, 86
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
I'm yours for the night, she gasped, You can do whatever you want with me.
So I took her to Bunnings.

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Ted Roberts, 79
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

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Tom Entwhistle, 73
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

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Jack Farthing, 78
Put on this rubber suit and mask, I instructed, calmly.
Mmmm, kinky! she purred.
Yes, I said, You cant be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.

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John Hardcastle, 72
I'm a very naughty girl, she said, biting her lip. I need to be punished.
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

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Colin Horrocks, 65
Harder! she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. Harder!
Okay, I said. Whats the gross national product of Nicaragua?

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Malcolm Riddock, 75
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

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Allen Cardly, 74
Are you sure you can take the pain? she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
I think so, I gulped.
Here we go, then, she said, and showed me the receipt.

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Humphrey Landsdowne, 56
Hurt me! she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
Very well, I replied. You've got a fat <deleted> and no dress sense.

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Nicholas Benchley, 53
Are you sure you want this? I asked. When I'm done, you wont be able to sit down for weeks. She nodded.
Okay, I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.

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Toby Williams, 60
Punish me! she cried. Make me suffer like only a real man can!
Very well, I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

Women----Making new friends

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A department store in Tokyo----The Japanese are still trying to figure out the concept of Christmas.

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A pompous upper class prat of a lawyer went pheasant shooting on the Duke's estate but no matter how hard he tried, it was more than 6 hours before he managed to shoot one down. Delighted at his sudden luck, he searched for the fallen bird and found it in a nearby field.

 

As he was about to pick it up, a farmer appeared and said aggressively
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” 
“I’m getting my bird,” he replied. 
“Oh no you ain’t. This here’s my property so it’s mine.” 
“No it doesn't it belongs  to the Duke and you’re not taking it away from me” he spluttered. 
And so they argued on, until the farmer came up with a solution:
“Look here, there’s one way we could settle this argument. 
We’ll take it in turns to kick each other in the crutch and the last man on his feet gets the bloody Pheasant.” 

The Lawyer reluctantly agreed, and the farmer went first because, as he said, it was his idea. Wearing steel capped, hob nailed boots he aimed carefully at the Lawyer and gave an almighty kick. 
His poor victim turned a sickly white, his eyes disappeared and he gave out the most agonizing cry. It took at least 5 minutes for him to come to his senses but he bravely stayed on his knees and feet. 
“Right” The Lawyer finally gasped “Now it’s my turn.” 
The farmer replied, 

“Don’t bother, you can have the Pidgeon, it's not a Pheasant and also  watch out for the horny young bull, it hasn't had a cow in months!” 

“What on earth is that?” said the woman to the waiter. 
“It’s pressed tongue, Madam.” 
“Good gracious! I could never eat anything that came out of an animal’s mouth."

 

"Take that awful stuff away and bring me a very soft boiled egg and some caviar.” 
 

“Come in George,” said the Mother Superior to her gardener. “I hear you’ve got a complaint.” 
“That I have,” he replied,

“one of your nuns has been doing press-ups in my vegetable garden.” 
“Well surely there’s no harm in that it does the girls good to get out in the fresh air and enjoy nature!.” 
“That's as maybe but you’ve not seen my cucumbers, they’re all ruined and as for the carrots!” 
 

A man marries a young naïve country girl and on their wedding night, he shows her his tackle and tells her he’s the only man to have such a thing. Times goes by and after a couple of months, they’re in bed one morning when she grabs his willy and remarks, “You were fibbing when you told me you were the only man to have one of these, I’ve discovered that Mr Biggun across the road has one as well.” 

The husband thinks quickly and replies,

“Oh yes, that was a spare one I had, so I gave it to him.”,

“Oh darling,” she sighs." 

“Why did you give him the best one and the knowledge to use it properly?” 
 

Two Gypsy women are talking over the caravan doors and one is complaining about her very painful piles. 
The other says to her, 
“I know just the remedy. Stick some freshly boiled but cooled tea leaves up there and you’ll soon be cured.” 
However, this remedy doesn’t seem to work so the first Gypsy woman is forced to go to the old Hag who poses as “Mystic Meg” as well as being the group’s Witch Doctor . 

“Bend over please,” She cackles, and while the Hag's examining her she asks the Hag if she can see anything. 
“Not a lot,” The Hag replies, “but I can forecast that you’re going to come into some money and spend it on a round the world cruise, but due to the piles you won't enjoy it very much.” 

 

 

 

Two young whales, one male, one female, grew up together happily roaming the ocean and enjoying each other’s company. But one day the peace was shattered when one of the whales spotted a trawler. 
“That’s the b&stard that killed my mum. Come on! I want to get my own back, will you help me?” he said. 
“What are you going to do?” asked the other. 
“I have an idea that if we both swim underneath the boat and spurt out water from our blow holes, we’ll manage to capsize the boat.” 
So they carried out the plan and it worked perfectly. The trawler capsized and some of the survivors were left floundering in the water. 
“Heh! We can’t let them get away,” said the avenging whale, 
“Will you help me to eat them up?” 
“Now hold on a minute,” she replied.

 

“I didn’t mind helping you with the Bl*wjob but there’s no way I’m going to swallow any seamen.” 
 

While we seem to be on the kinky side seeing the last bunch of jokes,i have a question,

Why do vegan woman never moan or seem to enjoy sex?

answer; they are to stubborn to admit a piece of meat can give them pleasure!