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Worst Joke Ever 2026

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us,
not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put
yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million
savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for
ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes
a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on
board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said
a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
13 hours ago, tifino said:

I've got a... 

May be a cartoon of text that says 'I'VE GOT A HALF-SISTER DIFFERENT FATHER? SHARK ATTACK! IENTAMENIHPSNOMOM LYNCH'

 

My father was a magician, but was rather bad at it.  I have two half sisters.

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Not sure Mr Plod has thought this through.

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ANOTHER AGE OLD MYSTERY SOLVED AT LAST

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Please deliver to rear entrance, thank you.

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27 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

My father was a magician, but was rather bad at it.  I have two half sisters.

he could have said he's had a Sordid past (but needs to practice up on his Spelling)

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Don't <deleted> about with Superglue

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...........................What the <deleted> could he possibly want

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Found in Wheelie bin behind KFC....Rare photo of Wedding day bliss

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1 hour ago, sanuk711 said:

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ummm... this one Excels?   

imagine...

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... that they 'are' the joke  ???? 

 

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