I went for an interview on a building site today.

The foreman asked me, "Can you make tea?"

I said, "Yes!"

He then asked, "Can you drive a forklift?"

I replied, "Why? How big's the ****** kettle?"

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Whenever someone calls me ugly,

I get super sad and hug them,

because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

I took a blind girl back to my place last night. 

As we lay on the bed, she said "why, that's the biggest one I've ever laid my hands on!"

I said "you're pulling my leg!"

Well, I suppose that's one way of doing it...

 

Hotel Checkout...

 

 

BREAKING NEWS !! Police hunting a robber who stole a book about Stradivarius have warned the public not to approach him... He has a history of violins...

The white missionary had lived in the African village for more than two years. Everything had gone well until one morning, when the Chief sent his men to bring the man before him. He looked at the missionary angrily and said, 
“Last night, my mother’s sister’s daughter gave birth to a baby. The baby was white and you are the only white man here. Tonight, you will be tied to that post and burned alive after all the tribesmen have had their wicked way with you..” 

After his initial panic, the missionary beckoned the Chief to one side and spoke to him in a low voice. 
“Chief, if you look beyond the village, you can see all the sheep grazing on the hill. They are all white except for one black sheep, and there are no other black sheep in the flock. 
You see what I mean when I say it looks bad.” 

“Okay, okay,” replied the Chief, flustered.

 

 

“If you don’t tell, then I won’t tell.” 

A golfer teed off on the 10th hole but the ball disappeared over some trees and was never to be seen again. Some time later, he saw a policeman coming towards him on the 12th hole. 

“When you were on the 10th, did your ball disappear over that clump of trees?” asked the policeman. 
“Yes, it did. Why?” said the puzzled golfer. 

“Oh the other side of those trees is a road. The ball bounced in front of a car causing it to swerve and run over a cat. It then smashed through a window of the house opposite, shocking a man into a fatal heart attack and frightening his wife into dropping her tea and badly burning her leg.” 
“Bloody hell,” said the golfer, who had deathly pale. 
“Is there anything I can do?” 

“Yes, I think so,” replied the policeman. “In future, before you tee off, stand with your legs a little further apart and keep your head still when you swing the club.” 
 

Coming home from work earlier than planned, the husband found his wife in the kitchen, bending over the oven. She looked so desirable, he immediately dropped his trousers and took her from behind.

After the deed was done he gave her a sharp smack on the bum. 
“What the bloody hell was that for?” she raged. 

“That was because you didn’t look round to see who it was,”  he exclaimed. 

Just found out that Grandpa has become addicted to Viagra.  
No one is taking it harder than Grandma.
Although Grandpa is finding it hard to grasp the problem he claims he is coming to terms with it, he says, between grunts whilst cleaning his hands!

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.
It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding hooves behind them and a goat goes flying past them and jumps right into the hole.

A few seconds later, they hear a farmer calling out for his goat. "Betsy! Betsy!"

He sees the two hunters and asks if they had seen his goat Betsy."Yeah", they say, "She ran right passed us at like 80 miles and hour and jumped right into this hole!"

“That’s impossible, the man says, "I had her chained to an anvil! ”

 

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people?

I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join us.

 

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from Bangkok and will fly to Pattaya, where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.

Then we’ll do a flight along the coast returning to Pattaya for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please let me know.

 

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.

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My mate Simon has moved away to Ho Chi Minh City...

 

That's Si gone...