An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. 

 

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.

So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. 

After a long while… 
He climaxes loudly.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause.
She replies, “No.”

 

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” 

 

And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.

 

This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.

 

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?” 

“No. I’m Swedish.”

 

The Chinese have been lying all along!

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.Never make an emergency stop in a hearse . . .

 

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.
Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

 

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue. As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."

 

The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him.

 

He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper.

 

When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 10,000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that.

 

In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and drowned.

 

The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said "I told you that you would be back for the story."

 

The man replied "The hell with the story, gimme a statue of a politician!"

2 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

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I would hope that it would NOT dry either my hand or..........!

Two young whales, one male, one female, grew up together happily roaming the ocean and enjoying each other’s company. But one day the peace was shattered when one of the whales spotted a trawler. 
“That’s the <deleted> that killed my mum. Come on! I want to get my own back, will you help me?” he said. 
“What are you going to do?” asked the other. 
 “I have an idea that if we both swim underneath the boat and spurt out water from our blow holes, we’ll manage to capsize the boat.” 
So they carried out the plan and it worked perfectly. The trawler capsized and some of the survivors were left floundering in the water. 
“Heh! We can’t let them get away,” said the avenging whale, 
“Will you help me to eat them up?” 
“Now hold on a minute,” she replied.

 

 

“I didn’t mind helping you with the <deleted> but there’s no way I’m going to swallow any seamen.” 
 

2 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

.Never make an emergency stop in a hearse . . .

 

Going the wrong way for an emergency stop..........

It was love at first sight.

Within a week of meeting, John and Mary decided to get married. 
“But we don’t really know anything about each other,” said Mary. 
“Never mind,” replied John. “We’ll learn as we go along.” 

So the couple got married and went to Spain for their honeymoon where they spent a blissful few days until one morning as they were sunbathing around the pool. 
John suddenly got up, climbed to the very top of the diving board and performed a very intricate dive involving back flips and a double pike. 

“Wow!” said Jane, when he returned. “That was truly amazing!” 
“Well, I used to be the British Diving Champion,” replied John. “You see, didn’t I say we’d find out more about each other as time went by?” 
A little later, Jane got up, dived into the pool and swam four lengths without stopping. 
“Heh!” said John, much impressed, that was fantastic. “Were you in the British Squad?” 
“Oh no,” she replied. “I spent a few years in Venice where I was on the game and my patch included both sides of the canal.” 

At the end of the human biology class, the lecturer conducted a quick question and answer session to check that everyone had been listening to his lesson. 
“You over there, the girl in red,” he said pointing, “which part of the body becomes 10 times its normal size under emotional stress?” 
Flushed with embarrassment, the girl refused to answer, so another student volunteered. 
“The pupil of the eye, Sir.” 
“Correct,” replied the lecturer and he turned to the girl, saying,

“Young lady, your refusal to answer my question indicates three things.

One, you haven’t been listening to my lecture,

two, you are obsessed with sex, and

 

three, you are going to be very disappointed in bed.” 

A young underaged lad swaggered into the bar and asked for a bottle of beer and 20 fags. 
“Now, now,” smiled the barmaid, wagging her finger at the scallywag.

“Do you want to get me into trouble?” 
He replied,

“Not at the moment, I just want my beer and fags at moment, I'll come back later for the screw” 
 

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God 1 - 0 Capitalists

 

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