Four blokes walk into an Aberdeen pub and order 4 pints of beer. The Landlord is serving and says "That'll be 40 pence please".

30 minutes later they order another 4 pints of beer. Again, the round comes to 40 pence. They look at each other in disbelief. One chap pipes up and asks the landlord "Excuse me Sir, we've now bought 2 rounds of drinks and haven't even spent a pound yet. How do you sell it so cheap?"

"Well", the landlord says, "A few years ago I came into a lot of money by winning the lottery. I always promised myself that I would like to buy my own pub and pass on my good fortune to others, hence why beer is 10 pence a pint ".

"Oh, wow!" said one of the men. "But tell me, there's a group of men over there sat at the table who haven't bought anything since we've been here, what's up with them? "

"Oh them" said the landlord, "They're locals.  They're waiting for Happy Hour to start ".

At one point during a school football match, the sports master called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," he continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, swear at and attack the referee, or call him rude names. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the pitch so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your sports master a stupid a*sehole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the sports master. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting. 

So I knew I made it home OK!

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was working on his motorcycle in the garage, just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke: "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling your golf clubs and motorcycle along with your gun collection and that stupid fishing gear."

Tom got a quizzical look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife??" she shouted. "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: "I wasn't."

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do somethin' for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Morrie was lying mortally wounded in the road, the car that done it had vanished, it's pissing down, dark, and cold.

Morrie beckons a policeman to come closer, and whispers in his dying breath, "Get me a priest, get me a priest".

The policeman replies, "But Morrie, you're Jewish, why a priest?"

Morrie replies, "What, call out a Rabbi on a night like this!"

I need your cap, cape and Popemobil!!!!

Indian mechanic ? Pinduda Geep