.

.

A young girl walked into a bar and asked for a double vodka.

The barman looked at her suspiciously and asked: ‘How old are you?’

‘Fifteen,’ answered the girl brazenly.

‘Fifteen?!’ yelled the barman. ‘Are you trying to get me into trouble?’

 

‘Maybe later,’ said the girl, ‘but for now I’ll just have the vodka.’
 

A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army.

The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in the battle.

‘Somehow we must get help,’ said the king.

‘I know, sire,’ said the leader of his army, ‘but we have no horses. If a knight sets off on foot, he will be slain at once.’

‘Is there not another animal he can ride?’ suggested the king.

‘What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man.’

‘No, no,’ pleaded the army leader.

‘The wolfhound is too big and dangerous. I couldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.’
 

A US tourist guide was addressing a group of holiday makers about the dangers of hiking in grizzly bear territory.

He warned: ‘Most encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in the hope of viewing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble upon bears. The surprise can be disastrous. To avoid this, we recommend that hikers wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. Finally, you should exercise caution when you spot tell-tale signs of bears in the area, particularly if you see bear droppings.’

One tourist asked: ‘How do you identify bear droppings?’

‘Easy,’ explained the guide.

 

‘They’re the ones with all the tiny bells in them!’
 

Adam was walking round the Garden of Eden, feeling sad and lonely. He complained to God that he had nobody to talk to.

God said: ‘I was thinking about giving you a companion called Woman. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will agree with whatever you say. She will bear your children without complaint and will never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to help with the care. She will never nag you and will always admit when she is in the wrong. She will never bear a grudge and will dress to please you. She will give you love whenever you want it.’

‘Wow!’ exclaimed Adam. ‘How much would a woman like that cost me?’

‘An arm and a leg,’ replied God.

 

Adam said: ‘What can I get for a rib . . . ?’

Contrary to the above, it was actually Eve who was created first.

 

And after a month in the Garden of Eden, Eve was visited by God.

‘How are things going Eve?’ asked God.

‘Everything is wonderful,’ said Eve, ‘except for these three breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes out the other two and keeps getting caught on branches. I feel as if it’s always in the way.’  

 

‘That’s a fair point,’ said God, ‘but give me a break, it was my first attempt at this creation game. I gave some the animals six, so I figured half would be about right for you. But I see what you mean, so I’ll fix it right away.’

And God reached down, tore out Eve’s middle breast and lobbed it into some bushes.

 

A month later, God visited Eve again. ‘How is my favourite creation?’ he asked.

‘Yes, fine,’ replied Eve, ‘but I think you may have made an oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull – in fact all the animals have a mate except me. I’m starting to feel lonely.’

‘You’re right,’ said God. ‘Silly me! You do need a mate, so I shall immediately create Man from a part of your body.

 

Now, let’s see . . . where did I put that useless t!t?’
 

My father believed that whatever he did in life, to always give 100%

Poor guy would still be alive today if he hadn't decided to become a blood donor.

It was a very hot day but Adam and Eve were in the mood so they went at it like a pair of apes!

After the deed was done Eve decided to go to the river to freshen up.

Later that day god found out what happened and he said' "Oh no,i will never be able to get that smell off the fish again"

And there you have it,some people still think it is the other way around.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've just bought a border collie.

The one I already had wasn't bored enough.

2 hours ago, jvs said:

"Oh no,i will never be able to get that smell off the fish again"

And there you have it,some people still think it is the other way around.

That's virgin on a fishy tale!

1 hour ago, sanuk711 said:

But I can only see 6 diks! What is my problems?

 

PS;  Oops I have just been told i am Dicks Likes It.  Now whet member do I want from where and from whom?