In an art gallery, a woman was studying two near-identical pictures by the same artist. Both showed a glass of champagne, a basket of bread rolls, a bowl of salad, and a plate of smoked salmon. Yet one painting was priced at a hundred dollars, the other at a hundred and twenty-five dollars. So she asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other.

‘It’s obvious,’ said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting.

 

‘You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one.’
 

A baby camel turned to his father and said: ‘Dad, why do we have humps on our back?’

‘Well, son,’ replied the father, ‘our humps contain the fat needed to sustain us through all the days when we’re out in the desert.’

‘Oh, right,’ said the baby camel. ‘Dad, why do we have long eyelashes?’

‘They’re to protect our eyes from the sandstorms that rage in the desert.’

‘I understand. Dad, why do we have big padded feet?’

‘Because the sand in the desert is very soft and we need big feet so that we can walk on the sand without sinking.’

‘Thanks, Dad. I get it now. Just one more question: "

 

"what are we doing in the city zoo?’
 

A keen duck hunter was looking to buy a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that was able to walk on water in order to retrieve a duck. Amazed by his discovery, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try and break the news to a friend, an eternal pessimist who was never impressed by anything. In the hope that even he would be impressed by a dog that could walk on water, the pessimist was invited to join the hunter and his dog on a trip to the country. However the hunter deliberately refrained from mentioning the dog’s special talent – he wanted his friend to see for himself.

The two men and the dog made their way to a good hunting lake and as they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew overhead. The men fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water, but instead of sinking, it walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than its paws wet. This continued throughout the day. Each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

 

The pessimist carefully watched everything, but did not say a word. Then on the drive home, the hunter casually asked his friend: ‘Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?’

 

 

‘I certainly did,’ replied the pessimist. ‘He can’t swim.’
 

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender said: ‘It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff.’

‘Just call me Hoff,’ said the actor.

 

‘Sure,’ said the bartender. ‘No hassle.’
 

Why do men prefer to marry virgins?

– Because they can’t stand criticism.
 

What do train sets and breasts have in common?

– They’re intended for children, but it’s usually the men who end up playing with them.

What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath, screaming all types of unprintable oaths and swearwords and calling you by every known name under the sun?

 

 

 

 

 

 

– You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
 

Why don’t owls mate during a rainstorm?

– Because it’s too wet to woo!
 

19 minutes ago, roo860 said:

Hello, Hello, what have got ear then?

2 hours ago, fangless said:

What do train sets and breasts have in common?

– They’re intended for children, but it’s usually the men who end up playing with them.

 

Applies to Scalextric too ????

 

.

.

.

The suicide bomber arrives in paradise.