A group of visitors were accidentally locked in a storage freezer while visiting the Colgate factory...

Tooth company freeze a crowd...

Got beaten up this morning in a lift. A woman got in wearing a low cut top with a magnificent set of breasts spilling out. I couldn’t help staring.

It all kicked off when she said “Will you press one please?” So I did. Can’t remember much after that.

Yesterday, I bought an old Elvis record from the market: “Wooden Leg”

I said to the stall owner, “ I thought he sang Wooden Heart?”

He said... “This is a pirate version”

A chicken walked into a library, went up to the desk and said: ‘Book, book, book, book.’

The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: ‘Book, book, book, book.’

The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left.

Ten minutes later, the chicken brought the book back, threw it on the desk and said: ‘Book, book, book, book.’

The librarian handed the chicken a third book but this time decided to follow the bird. He saw the chicken hurry off down the street and stop at the village pond where a frog was sitting on a lily pad. The chicken showed the book to the frog but the frog shook its head and said:

 

‘Read-it, read-it, read-it.’
 

A cash-strapped zoo was desperate for a major attraction to boost falling visitor numbers. Unable to afford any new animals, the zoo manager persuaded a visitor to dress up in a gorilla costume and masquerade as a great ape.

The deception worked well as the man threw himself into the role with great enthusiasm, devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, prowling his cage menacingly and beating his chest with vigour. But then one day, he went too far and accidentally fell into the lion enclosure next door.

‘Help! Help!’ cried the bogus gorilla.

The lion let out a tremendous roar, then rushed at him, put his paw on the gorilla’s chest and growled:

 

‘Shut up, or we’ll both lose our jobs!’
 

A Jack Russell terrier went to the job centre. He said to the clerk: ‘I’m looking for work.’

‘Amazing!’ said the clerk. ‘A talking dog! I’ll fix you up with a job in no time.’

After making a quick phone call, the clerk handed the dog a piece of paper and said: ‘There you go. You start as the ringmaster/MC at the Circus on Monday.’

‘That’s no use to me,’ protested the dog.

 

‘I’m a plumber.’

A tomcat and a female cat were getting amorous in the back yard one night.

Eventually he purred into her ear: ‘I’d die for you.’

With wide eyes, she answered:

 

‘How many times?’
 

The hidden dangers of lockdown and home schooling!

 

"Mummy, the milkman's here.

Are you going to pay him or shall I go out to play?"

 

A little girl being taught at home;
She ask her mum, “Who came first, Adam or Eve”.

"Adam," replied her mum. "Men always come first."

 

 

"Mummy, Mummy, the au pair is in bed with a strange man.

Ha ha, got you! April Fool. It's only Daddy."

 

 

 

A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted him about the bad habits he was getting into.

"It's not only me, Miss," replied the boy. "You have bad habits as well! You're a cheat; you pretend to be a natural blonde, but you've got really black hair between your legs."

"I have not!" she blurted out without thinking.

"Oh, yes, you have, and I'll bet you my week's pocket money on it."

 

The teacher was in a bit of a quandary. She had promised to help cure his betting habit and this would certainly be an expensive bet for him to lose as she was actually a natural blonde, but with brains. So she lifted her skirt and dropped her knickers. Having won the bet she rang the boy's father to tell him the good news.

"Damn it!" he said.

 

"This morning he bet me a £100 he'd get your knickers off before the day was out."

 

 

 

 

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots that used to live in a house of ill repute, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're h*okers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're h*okers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

Iron Women Comp starts this week................

19 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

Iron Women Comp starts this week...

She was conned.  She thought she was being sold a surfing board with her surf detergent!

"My dad's got two of those," said little Tommy as he watched his grandfather urinating.

"No, that's not right," replied his grandfather, "you're mistaken there."

"I'm not," replied the little boy.

 

"He's got a little one for weeing with and a great big purple one for cleaning the au pair's teeth."
 

A smart-talking man who thought he could charm the birds off the trees met his match one night.

The insular young man had just learned that his father only had days to live and then he would inherit over half a million pounds. Overjoyed at the promised wealth, he celebrated at the local wine bar, where he saw a ravishing long-legged blonde.

 

He couldn't wait to brag to her and indeed she was so interested in him, they went back to his house together.

The next day she became his stepmother. And his father changed his will!