47 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Mind you it was a "Hot Point" in it's time before it ran out of steam!

A man tried to smuggle a puppy into the country to avoid the quarantine laws, but accidentally drew attention to himself as he tried to walk casually through customs.

He had put the dog down his trousers, but every time he took a step, his whole body would shake and he kept making little moaning sounds.

"Excuse me, sir, is there anything wrong?" enquired the customs official.

"Yes, officer," gasped the man in a strangled voice.

"I tried to smuggle a puppy into the country by putting it down my trousers."

"Oh, yes?" smiled the officer knowingly. "You've just discovered it's not house-trained, haven't you?"

 

"No," replied the agitated man, "I've just discovered it's not been weaned!"
 

Just as the young girl is coming out of the school gates, a car draws up and a man leans over to ask if she'd like a lift home.

"No, thank you," she replies.

But he asks again.

"Come on, it's raining, you'll be soaked by the time you get home."

"No! Go away and leave me alone."

The man follows her up the road. "Look, get in please, I'll get you some sweeties."

"No!" she yells and starts to run.

"I'll get you some sweeties and your favourite comic."

"No, no, no!" shouts the girl.

 

"Just because you bought a Skoda doesn't mean I have to ride in it, Dad."

 

PS;  A Skoda car (Czech automobile manufacturer) had a somewhat  poor reputation in the UK!!

Skoda jokes are welcome!

At the end of the human biology class, the lecturer conducted a quick question-and-answer session with his students.

"You over there, the girl in red," he said pointing, "which part of the body becomes ten times its normal size under emotional stress?"

Flushed with embarrassment, the girl stuttered, blushed and hung her head in her hands and refused to answer or even acknowledge the lecturer, so another student quietly volunteered.

"The pupil of the eye, sir."

"Correct," replied the lecturer and he turned to the girl saying,

 

"Young lady, your refusal to answer my question indicates three things.

One: you haven't been listening to my lecture;

Two: you are obsessed with sex;

                                  and

Three: you are going to be very disappointed."
 

Not sure if this is funny or sad
Once a week the boy would travel across town to pick up child support money from his father and take it back to his mum.

This money had come regularly for 16 years, but on the boy's sixteenth birthday his father told him it was going to be the last payment and to tell his mum he wasn't paying to be the father anymore.

"That's OK, You old git," replied the boy.

 

"Mum says you never were my father anyway."
 

S

So much for the cat litter training!

Back to the store for more dog food!

Me love you LONG time...worst joke!

2 minutes ago, mike787 said:

Me love you LONG time...worst joke!

????

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

 

Hello it's me
I've thought about us for a long long time ---Tom Rundgren

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is that right? at first I couldn't get Lionel Richie - out of my head--but that was 10 years on i think......

 

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do

.

Another Day at school in Issan................

I have never understood people who liked to watch football or soccer

what ever you call it.

Never did,never will.

52 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

Another Day at school in Issan................

<deleted> (substituted for deleted - Oh my goodness!!)     

 Oh my goodness!!   People actually use their wing mirrors whilst driving in Issan!!

I thought they were only used for the ladyboys to apply makeup!

 

PS;  Would you believe that the <deleted> was the abbreviation for "Oh My God"!!

 

 

One evening on the outskirts of London, a millionaire Englishman was walking with his dog when suddenly a Pakistani came out of the bushes and fired three shots and killed his dog. 

Surprised and shocked, the Englishman said: "Why did you do that ?"

Pakistani: "Your wife gave me 5000 Euros and said Kill the son of a b****. 

There were tears in the eyes of the Englishman and he hugged the Pakistani and said: "I will never forget the kindness of your English teacher for the rest of my life!"

9 minutes ago, ravip said:

"Your wife gave me 5000 Euros and said Kill the son of a b****. 

I am most sorry to ask but what does son of a "b****" mean?

Is the the son of a b**** a b**** or do you meant to really insult me and say he/she/it was/is a b****.  If so you really are the son of b****.

 

Please reply without <deleted> it up!

 

7 hours ago, ballpoint said:

 

3 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

 

Hello it's me
I've thought about us for a long long time ---Tom Rundgren

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is that right? at first I couldn't get Lionel Richie - out of my head--but that was 10 years on i think......

 

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do

A horse with no name? (1971)

 

3 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

Hello it's me
I've thought about us for a long long time ---Tom Rundgren

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is that right? at first I couldn't get Lionel Richie - out of my head--but that was 10 years on i think......

 

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do

 

It took me a while with a lot of head scratching. It was 'A horse with no name' by a group called America(?)

 

"I was riding through the desert on a horse with no name.............etc, etc, etc,"

????

10 hours ago, fangless said:

I am most sorry to ask but what does son of a "b****" mean?

Is the the son of a b**** a b**** or do you meant to really insult me and say he/she/it was/is a b****.  If so you really are the son of b****.

 

Please reply without <deleted> it up!

 

I am most sorry to ask but what does son of a "b****" mean?

I guess it was referring to the dog that was shot....

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"