Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …
Big mistake!
Do not tickle someone with diarrhoea.

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day, and the agents like "good news! I got you a part in a play! It's only one line, but it's the opener and could be your big shot! Okay so the line is...

 

'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'.. Got that? 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar"

 

So he's practising his line for weeks. Working on different cadences and deliveries. He's gotta get this right, this is his shot!

It's the night of the show and he takes a quick peak through the curtains. The place is packed with agents, critics, producers etc...this is it.

 

He gets in position, the curtain opens, and there's this TREMENDOUS BOOM!

And he goes "WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT?!?"

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.
I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

5 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

Did they have "memes" when that phot was taken?  I'm looking for the suction pad Modem, the picture is that old

A man knocked on the door of a farmer's cottage and said, "I happened to notice you had some canary grass down in your meadow, would you mind if I picked myself a few canaries?"

"Go ahead, but you won't get any canaries," replied the farmer. A little while later, the farmer spotted the man heading for home and was flabbergasted to see he had a cage full of canaries.

 

Some weeks later, the man returned.

"Would you mind if I took a walk down towards the stream? Only I've seen some toadflax down there, and I'd like to collect a few toads."

"That's OK," said the farmer, "but you won't get any toads from toadflax."

An hour later the farmer couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the man had a bag full of toads.

 

The following week the man knocked at the door again.

"Good morning, I've just noticed that you have some pussy willow near those woods...."

 

 

"Just a moment, sir, I'll get my boots, I'm coming with you."
 

Two ducks meet in the hotel bar, have a few drinks and decide to book into a room for the night. But ever mindful of safe sex, they ask room service for a packet of condoms. A few minutes later the condoms arrive and the waiter asks the male the drake, "Shall I put it on your bill, sir?"

"Certainly not!" snaps the drake.

 

"What! Do you think I am some sort of pervert? Just leave it on the table and take the money."

A man walked into his home and yelled at his wife.

"Mildred, I've just discovered our marriage is illegal!"

"How come?" she replied.

 

"Your father didn't have a licence for that shotgun."
 

"Please Miss, I've hurt my finger on the rose" said little Rosie to her teacher.

"Have you got any cider?"

Puzzled, the teacher asked her why she wanted cider.

"Because I heard my sister telling her friend that when she gets a pr!ck in her hand she always puts it in cider."
 

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

 

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

 

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

 

"What!" God exclaims: "You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake -- he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I’ll sue."

 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"