Before coming to LoS I thought a tug was a strong boat used to push bigger ones.

Now I realise a tug could be something very different.

16 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Can anyone help me with my Easter crossword puzzle?
2 across. "Where they nailed Jesus."

I get really cross that we are still hammering into the Easter jokes.  I thought we had nailed that a while back!

????

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

 

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit". 
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife". 

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops."

"She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

 

Pin drop silence in the class !

 

''Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ?"

 

"Stay away from Mummy when she's drunk..!"

People talking out of their a**e.. #378

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                   No More Nails..................

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                   Happy Holidays two Jew !

My wife is leaving me because she says I am obsessed with ‘Line of Duty’.

For the benefit of the tape, she’s just left the house with her suitcase...

I went to a farmers market today, what a rip off!

There wasn't one damn farmer for sale.

Lollipop Ladies make me cross.

Has anyone ever been the right amount of whelmed?

A woman gets a job at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, which makes dolls that laugh when tickled under the arms, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line the woman stands surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches her.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.."