I got the words jacuzzi and 'Yakuza' confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I’ve got a mate in Kenya called Dwayne, but because of the Covid restrictions, we can’t see each other.

I miss Dwayne... down in Africa.

6 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

My son just told me that Jim Morrison sucked, so I sent him to his room.

I've repeatedly warned him about slamming the Doors.

I went to the record shop to ask what they had by the Doors.

The reply was, "A fire extinguisher and a bucket of sand, why?"

 

Just bought Cluedo, Swingers Edition...

Turns out they all did it, in every room!

A serial Welsh sheep molester has finally be caught after having been on the lamb for years.

My wife left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.

Now I’m feeling cannelloni...

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Thank you for your co- operation.

 

vaccinated women...

 

 

 

 

there are a lot of posts that i can not open,they start with"may be a.............

how can i open these?

 

 

I think we can safely say the answer is meant to be YES!

Mother receives a telephone call from school telling her they are sending home her son for weeing in the swimming pool.

"But everyone does that at some time," she says.

 

"Not from the top diving board, they don't."

Fed up with his wife's excuse of always having a headache, the husband came up with a foolproof plan. The next time they went to bed she said, as usual, "Not tonight, darling, I've got a headache."

"Well blow me" he replied.  "I was hoping you would say that as I've dusted “ole Henry” here in paracetamol to help cure you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As the stranger walked into the store, he saw a sign that read 'Beware of the dog'.

The next moment he saw an old sheep dog sprawled out on the floor, fast asleep.

"Is that the dog referred to on that sign?" he asked the storekeeper.

"Yes, it sure is," came the reply.

"Well, it's hard to believe the dog is so dangerous. Why did you put the sign up?"

 

"Because since I've put the sign up, people have stopped tripping over him."
 

A man rang the vet in some distress.

"It's an emergency! My dog has swallowed a condom! What shall I do?"

"No need to get too alarmed, just keep him in and I'll get back to you at the end of surgery."

Half an hour later, the man rang the vet back.

"Tell the vet, it's alright now, we found another condom in my wife's handbag so he doesn’t need to visit now."
 

Three hikers stop for a rest in the Yorkshire Dales and, looking over into an adjoining field, they see some sheep.

"Hey, I think that sheep's smiling at you," jokes one of them. "I wish it was Cindy Crawford."

The second says, "I wish it was Sharon Stone."

The third says, "I wish it was dark."