After 10years a wife started to think their child looks strange so she did a home DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.

The husband replied, you don't remember do you? 
When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there. 

The wife screamed and fainted. 

As an out of control plane hurtles towards the ground, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”

Some mornings I wake up bitchy.
Other mornings I let her sleep.

5 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Just give over, I'm still crying over that one!

It's like Lenin's tomb all over again-ish.

Preceded by.............

Where do they keep cows in Thailand? The moo ban.

Uk problems !!

5 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Sounds like a Dave Allen punchline.

1 hour ago, bluesofa said:

Sounds like a Dave Allen punchline.

The truth of his little finger loss was never revealed by Dave Allen while he was alive.

After his death a childhood friend explained what happened.

 

As very young kids about six-years-old, a group of them were playing at an old water mill.

Dave Allen had his finger in one of the stone toothed cogs when someone else pulled one of the levers.

 

8 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

When I worked in a seventeen-storey telephone exchange, the lift speed had to be slowed down twice due to staff passing out in the lift.

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: “Windows frozen.”
Husband texts back: “Pour some lukewarm water over it”
Wife texts back: “Computer completely f***ed now.”

Here’s a little test for the average TVF member, take your time !, it’s not an easy one this !!

I remember those stressful years from 4 to 10 !!

 I ran out of toilet paper, so I'm doing that 
"Trousers halfway up" waddle to go and get some more.
I'm almost at the corner store now!

 
For those of you who are worried about Alexa listening in to your conversations;
Google are introducing a male version called Alex.
He doesn't listen to anything!