Reposted as it didn't show properly yesterday (on my system anyway)

Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed an Oxo cube? -

He made a laughing stock of himself. 
 

 Arriving home, a boy confessed to his mother that he had accidentally broken a lamp at his friend’s house while playing football in the living room.

‘But, mom,’ he added,

‘you don’t have to worry about buying another one because Craig’s mother said it was irreplaceable.’ 

Chat-up Line:-  • Hi, I’m Adam. You might want to remember it now, because you’ll be screaming it later. 

The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. 
Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’? 
“Sorry sir, I missed your earlier compliment and I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. 
“I hardly ever get a compliment.” 
 

So I was in a restaurant last night and I ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time.
When It came there was no meat just the carcass.
I said to the waitress: "What's this?!!" 
"She said: "It's the boney part". 

Did you here about the ghost that lived in a <deleted> factory?

It gave everyone the willies. 

I noticed the other day my credit card was missing.

I finally tracked it down -the kids next door stole it to pay for their mums boob job…

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

One of the mysteries of life.

If you're not supposed to drink WD40, why does it come with a straw?

Some years ago there was a major fire at a Middle East oil well. Despite valiant attempts from the oil company’s own workers, it was eventually decided to call in Red Adair to put the fire out.

The CEO personally phoned Adair, but the latter said his diary was full and he couldn’t help. The CEO begged, and Adair told him: “I’m sorry, but I really do have too much on. However, as you are in such a terrible fix I can give you the phone number of my Irish cousin, Green Adair.”

So, the call was made and the CEO and senior staff waited at the desert airstrip whilst the oil well blazed away furiously in the background. Then, a Hercules transport roared in to the airstrip, and even before it came to a halt the ramp was lowered and a stripped-down Land Rover sped out. The driver did a quick circuit of the Hercules, spotted the blazing oil well and headed straight towards it without showing any indication of slowing.

Horrified, the CEO and staff watched as the Rover disappeared into the flames and smoke. There was an enormous blast and black smoke billowed upwards. As the smoke cleared, however, the CEO saw that the flames had gone. And out of the smoke appeared the blackened shell of the Land Rover, lurching from side to side as its shredded tyres bumped across the desert and came to a halt by the spectators.

A smoke-blackened figure limped from the wreck, clothes in smoking tatters.

The CEO said: “Mr Adair? That was amazing. I think your fee was agreed at a million dollars – here is a bank draft.”

Adair accepted the draft, said “Thanks” and turned back to the Land Rover.

“Hold on a minute”, said the CEO. “Come and have a drink before you go. And you can tell us how you plan to spend your million bucks.”

“Well”, said Green Adair. “The first ting will be to get the brakes fixed on the bloody Rover”.

My Granddad always said 'Don't believe everything you hear'
It was great advice.
Or was it?

Here are comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics some years ago that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

I went to a bookstore and asked where the self help section was.

The saleswoman said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

I once saw a deaf kid swearing at his mother in sign language.

She was so angered that she grabbed him and washed his hands with soap.

Tragedy at the Olympics when a member of the synchronised swimming team drowned.

To make matters worse, all the rest of them followed her.

13 hours ago, roo860 said:

Whatever the bird... the creativity of the artist is incredible!