21 hours ago, ballpoint said:

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I much prefer the Double-breasted mattress thrasher...

13 minutes ago, HeijoshinCool said:

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I much prefer the Double-breasted mattress thrasher...

Is that the same as the lesser spotted throat warbler or have I blown it again?

A man walks Into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him If she can help him.
He answers that he Is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused. ’Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers. ‘You see. It's like this, yesterday. I sent my wife to the store
to get me a canon of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers: cause "It's sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own  

 

 

 so does she.
 

How I Learned Ta Mind My Own Business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day. And all the patients were shouting, '13    13.... 13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on when some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
 Then they all started shouting *14 .14... 14'.
 

WARNING ABOUT ONLINE PURCHASES
Be careful what you buy online.
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent £95, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

They sent him a magnifying glass.
 

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? -

Because they have big fingers. 

Chat-up Line:-  • Hi, I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often? 

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Or is it one of Granny's myths?

A Thesaurus is fantastic.
There is no other word for it

13 minutes ago, fangless said:

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? -

Because they have big fingers. 

Why don't roosters have hands?

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-

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Because hens don't have tits!

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?

Got back home and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

I see that because the ex President of Afghanistan surrendered so quickly the French have granted him an honorary citizenship!

For those that don't want ALEXA listening in on your conversations, they're making a male version......

It doesn't listen to anything

Did you know that if they were to lay all of your arteries and veins end to end,
You would die?