Two pieces of tarmac were having a drinking contest to see which was the harder.

After a dozen shots of vodka, both were still stone cold sober when suddenly the bar door opened and a piece of red tarmac walked in.

Immediately one piece of tarmac abandoned his drink and ran out of the bar. 
 The other piece of tarmac caught up with him the following day.

‘Why did you run off like that when that piece of red tarmac came into the bar?’ 
 ‘Haven’t you heard about him?

 

He’s a cycle-path!’ 
 

What do you get when you cross:- A parrot with a woodpecker?

A bird that talks in Morse code. 
 

An elderly couple died in a car crash.

They had been in excellent health for years through exercising regularly and also because the wife was obsessed with health foods, keeping a strict watch on both their diets. So when St. Peter welcomed them to heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-rate relaxation facilities. The husband was particularly impressed by the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool. 

 ‘This really is a fantastic place you’ve got,’ he told St. Peter. 
 ‘And there’s more,’ said St. Peter. ‘Let me show you the restaurant.’ As they observed the sumptuous buffet serving every food imaginable, the husband asked: ‘Where’s the low fat table?’ 
 ‘Oh, you don’t have to worry about things like that,’ said St. Peter. ‘You can eat whatever you want, no matter how fatty it is, and it’s all free. After all, this is heaven!’ 

 With that, the husband threw his hat to the ground in a fit of temper.

‘What’s the matter?’ asked St. Peter. 
 Turning to his wife, the husband snapped: ‘This is all your fault, Mildred. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!’ 

What do you call a Thai pigeon with a machine gun?

- A military coo. 
 

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I thought your ladyboy friend got rid of his cockatoo?

Don't be so cock sure of yourself.  If my ladyboy fiend had gone cock-less he/she would no longer be a ladyboy but a miss(ing) person(a).