.

.

21 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

A Liverpool car showroom I assume?

29 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

.

I assume that's just his girlfriend and not the new mascot!

A conversation no man has ever dared to make!

You: Teacher!

Teacher: Yes?
You: Would You Punish Me For Something I Didn’t Do?
Teacher: Of Course Not.
You: I Didn't Do My Homework. 
 

 

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy? he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," 'said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

 "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?" 
 

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland.
The sign said: 
Disneyland Left..
So they started crying and headed home. 
 

Wherever we keep our money, our son steals it.
I don’t know what to do about it, where should I Keep the money?
Keep it in his School Books.
He Never touches them. 
 

What do you call a tramp with short legs?

-

A low down bum. 
 

What do you get when you cross:- A woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?

A bird that knocks on the door before delivering its message. 
 

Chat-up Line:- . Are you a haunted house? cause you and I are going to scream when I’m in you.
 

Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money, Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris, I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer, Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris, but I'm no grass.

Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving fat bastards? Its hardly fair.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

I heard recently that, on average, Boris Johnson receives two turds in the post each week.

What I want to know is...... who's sending the other one?
 

Aussie helpline.

- G'day Mate, Bush Helpline here, what can I do for you? What's the problem?

- Well me girlfriend and me are outside getting ready to have it off and a wasp stung her on the minge. Now her vagina has completely closed up. What can I do?

- Hmmm. Bummer mate.

- Right, good advice, I'll do that. Thanks mate.

6 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving fat bastards? Its hardly fair.

Hmm!  I think I'll drink to that food for thought!

I refused to believe that I was gay and dyslexic.......

I was in Daniel.

A guy had his little dog with him whilst practising on the golf driving range. He made a really good shot and the little dog sat up and frantically clapped it's paws together.

Another golfer walking past said "That's amazing, does he always do that when you make a good shot?"

The guy answered "Always."

The other golfer said "Wow, fantastic, what does he do if you make a bad shot?"

The guy said "He turns somersaults."

The response was again "Wow." Followed by "How many somersaults does he turn?"

The guy answered "Depends?"

Other golfer "Depends? On what?"

"How hard I kick him."