Be specific when talking to kids!

While driving home from a restaurant with his wife, a man was involved in a terrible car crash and died instantly  and his wife was rushed away in an ambulance.

After a short journey through a dark tunnel with a light at the end, he found himself at the gates of heaven. St. Peter was awaiting his arrival and beckoned him towards the Pearly Gates.

 
 ‘Sir,’ began St. Peter, ‘you have proved yourself to be a kind and generous soul. You are worthy of passing through these gates. In order for you to enter heaven, I ask only one thing: that you spell one simple word, a word that epitomises the philosophy of heaven. The word is “love”.’ 
 ‘That’s easy,’ said the man. ‘L-O-V-E.’ 

 And St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, enabling the man to enter. 

 Just as the man stepped into the kingdom of heaven, St. Peter’s pager went off. God needed him for an emergency meeting. ‘Excuse me,’ said St. Peter to the man he had just admitted, ‘could you watch the gates for me while I’m in this meeting? I shouldn’t be more than ten minutes. All I ask of you is that you let nobody in unless they spell the word correctly.’ 

 The man agreed, and St. Peter vanished, leaving him with a bright silver key to the gates. 
 A few minutes later, the man’s wife appeared in front of the gates. 
 ‘Hello, dear,’ she said. 
 ‘What are you doing here?’ he asked. 
 ‘Well, they rushed me to hospital and for a while it seemed as though I might pull through, but I didn’t make it. I died of internal haemorrhaging.’ 
 Obeying the instructions of St. Peter, the husband said:

‘My beloved, in order for you to pass through the gates of heaven, you only need to spell one simple word.

 

And the word is . . . “onomatopoeia.”’ 
 

What do you get when you cross:- 

An elephant with a Volkswagen?

A little car with a big trunk. 
 

A skeleton walked into a bar and said: ‘I’d like a beer and  mop ...’ 

TODAY’s DAILY INSULT;

 

 You’re a difficult man to forget - but well worth the effort. 

Chat-up Line:- Can you tell me what time your legs open, please?
 

Chat-up Line:- I'd eat your sh*t for a mile just to see where it came from...

????

I arranged to meet a mathematician at half six. 

He turned up at three.

I think I might have a shower.
Just checked. Yes I do, it's upstairs.

Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines.
If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.
Simple.

When I was little, we were so poor that on my 6th birthday, my mum put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

Today's annual Fibonacci conference will be as big as the last two combined!

My wife's so ungrateful
She never thanked me for a lying in this morning, even though it meant she could get all the housework done without me getting in the way.

I didn't think I would be the type of person to get up early and go for a run.
I was correct.

Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website?