Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said…

"Press bell for night watchman”

"She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

She replies…

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself??”

Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales representative went to see a psychiatrist. 
 ‘I’ll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind,’ said the doctor. ‘Just say “one-two-three” and when your brain registers those words you’ll give your best-ever presentation.

However, do not say “one-two-three-four” because it will cause you to freeze and make a complete fool of yourself.’ 
 The sales rep was delighted.

He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work and received a standing ovation from his co-workers.

Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the managing director signalled him to start. 
 The sales rep said under his breath: ‘One-two-three.’ 
 Then the managing director asked: ‘What did you say “one-two-three” for?’ 
 

A navy psychiatrist was interviewing a sailor for a job.

To ascertain how the young man might react to danger, the psychiatrist asked:

‘What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?’ 
The young man replied confidently:

‘I'd fire a torpedo at it and sink it.’

‘And where would you get the torpedo from?’ 
 ‘The same place you got your battleship!’ 
 

 His teacher was horrified to hear Little Johnny swearing loudly in school. 
 ‘I never want to hear you using language like that again. Where on earth did you pick up such foul-mouthed talk?’ 
 ‘From my Dad,’ said Johnny. 
 "Well, he should be ashamed of himself," said the teacher.

"And it’s no reason for you to talk like that."

"Anyway, you don’t even know what the phrase means.’ "
 ‘I do!’ said Johnny defiantly.

 

‘It means the car won’t start.’