If you had told people in the UK 50 years ago, that the future would have 3D televisions, they would have said, "Wow, that's cheap".

I went out to a restaurant yesterday for the first time since Lockdown. When the waitress came over I misheard her and thought she asked 'are you dying alone?'.

The answer was still yes....

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do! "
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win...

I was digging in the garden and a found a small chest full of gold coins.

I was about to go and tell my wife until I remembered why I was digging in the garden in the first place.

If anyone want to know how to see without glasses,
I've got some good contacts.

Science Fact -
If you took all the veins out of your body and laid them end to end,
you would die.

Can't wait to see the wife's face light up at christmas.
I've bought her a torch.

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Home Secretary Priti Patel said she believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Patel said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Boris Johnson, speaking from his holiday resort said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

I went back to see my doctor today. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I said, "On the bus."

We're so poor that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to pay for Christmas.
If things get any worse, I might have to cancel Bein Sports.

The teacher asked me "if I give you 20 pounds, and you give 5 to Claire, 5 to Susan and 5 to Mary what would you have?"

Apparently 'three blow-jobs and enough left over for a kebab' was not the right answer.

 

 

 

The teacher then asked Johnny, "if you have 10 pounds and you ask your dad for another 10 pounds how much money will you have?"
Johnny: "10 pounds miss".
Teacher: "You don't know maths Johnny".
Johnny: "You don't know my dad miss".

4 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Home Secretary Priti Patel said she believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Patel said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Boris Johnson, speaking from his holiday resort said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

I'm pleased to see the security services had the right angle on that one!