2 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

I believe they had a very poor reception from the audience and channelled their attention elsewhere whilst others were tuned into more static displays!

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I entered a Political Correctness competition yesterday.
I came first.
There again, so did everybody else.

I am a proud Conservative and NOT in the closet, but I do so much hope you did that despicable act behind closed doors and away from the servants!
Yours;
Disgusted 
Mrs Kent
Tunbridge Wells

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air.
But then I think, how would I catch them?

I don't mean to palm you off but I believe I must hand that to you as the most armless joke for some time!

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

BBC News:
Man killed in A4 tragedy.
That must have been one hell of a paper cut.

I hope he took out the proper sized legal papers!

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I bumped into an old school mate yesterday, I said, "Blimey, I've not seen you for donkey's years, how are you and what are you up to nowadays"?
He said "I'm fine, at the moment I help giving out clothes to poor people"
I said "That's great, a very charitable job"
He replied "No, not really, I work as a checkout assistant in Primark"

I assume you were returning the Suit you "bought" for your wedding last Friday and were claiming it didn't fit and wanted your money back ?

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

13 weeks until Pancake Day and already the shops are selling flour and eggs!

Do not scramble or crack now, just be plain sailing about this and rise to the case when it comes.

Now is the time to beat them down the isle before they whisk up too much trade and flatten the opposition!

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I slept with my wife's sister, now I feel awful.

I think she gave me a cold.

 Are you sure it wasn't  a cold shoulder after the child was delivered?

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I made a graph of all my past relationships...
It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Since you were going in circles with your inter-relationships why did you not let Mr Venn diagram  do it for you and remove the axis of evils?

 

Ps;  Beware.     You might all still end up in circular relationships!

 

 

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I can't wait for the day when pigs get wings and will be able to fly.
A lot of women will owe me a lot sex.

Yeah But what about the blue moon?

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.
I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position.
He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accommodation, a cook, good food, the internet, TV, I used to go to the gym, to the swimming pool, the library, everything"
I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce, drugs, alcohol problems"?
He said "Nah, I got released from prison"

Ps; But wat I missed most was that I also lost my best mates who really enlarged my circle for of friends!

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I visited a curiosity shop earlier.
Not one dead cat.

OK but what did you expect EH!- 

Just how many times did you visit?