I'm scared of having kids

[akirasan]

I know I joke around a lot on these forums but I've got a small problem I can't really talk to anyone about. 

I'm terrified of having kids.

I'm 41 and my wife is approaching her mid 30s. I've been in Thailand and we've been married for almost 3 years. We've known each other for probably over 10 years so I feel pretty stable in our relationship and we're doing ok financially.

But I see how happy she is when she is around kids. Her friends and colleagues keep having babies and worse, they keep asking us when we are having a baby. I am aware due to our ages we can't afford to leave it too much longer if we are going to raise a child.

I have some real reservations about it.

For one, when I hear a baby crying or screaming it's like nails on a chalkboard.

Secondly, I worry how we can raise a child given that we both work full time. My wife is a teacher and although I work from home I have to concentrate on my job during the day. Her mother she said she would help out but she is old and I don't want to burden her. Her neighbours and her cousins in the next village offered to help too so I know we'd have no shortage of babysitters and I know that's how things are done here but I'm not entirely comfortable leaving it up to other people.

We also live in a house that my wifes school provided and the director is great, he said we can stay here for as long as we want but I've told my wife I want us to have our own house before we have kids. I asked her to ask around and find out if there is any land for sale nearby however this was over 12 months ago and nothing has happened, which to be honest, I'm not in any great hurry to build. But I think we should get that sorted out first.

Her mother said she will give us some land to build on but it's right next to her house and to be frank, I'm happier having a couple of km between us. There's nothing wrong with her, I just like doing my own thing. 

I help out at my wifes school and her friends school occasionally, just to talk and play games with the students to get them comfortable speaking English and I've found the kids are good in small doses. When I've had to teach all day I've come home with a massive headache and a promise to myself never to do that again. 

So I don't know what the point of this post is. I guess I just want to get it out, maybe hear from other people who have raised kids in Thailand about what their experiences have been like, any challenges they've faced, how their life is now etc..


 

Edited January 13, 2019 by akirasan

[robblok]

I never wanted kids and previous wife said she did not want them. In the end she changed her mind and it ended our relationship.

 

I would never take kids if I was not 100% sure about having them. You should want them otherwise it could be a nightmare for you and the kid. Nobody not you nor the kid needs problems like that.

 

Not everyone should have kids though people will look at you funny when you say such a thing. 

[kannot]

keep  the dog.............

[kannot]

6 minutes ago, robblok said:

I never wanted kids and previous wife said she did not want them. In the end she changed her mind and it ended our relationship.

 

I would never take kids if I was not 100% sure about having them. You should want them otherwise it could be a nightmare for you and the kid. Nobody not you nor the kid needs problems like that.

 

Not everyone should have kids though people will look at you funny when you say such a thing. 

Me and Mrs  K  were unable to have em, however our newish  staff have an 8  year old  girl and i have great  fun with her......all the benefit  none  of the hassles. Here she proudly  shows me the fish that jumped out of our  pond

[villagefarang]

A life without kids can be absolutely amazing.

[roo860]

Me and Mrs  K  were unable to have em, however our newish  staff have an 8  year old  girl and i have great  fun with her......all the benefit  none  of the hassles. Here she proudly  shows me the fish that jumped out of our  pond

I reckon you could buy her a t shirt, that one looks like mine did when I was a welder!!

Sent from my SM-G920F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[BritManToo]

23 minutes ago, akirasan said:

maybe hear from other people who have raised kids in Thailand about what their experiences have been like,

It's all very easy, but your misses is getting a bit old, she should have them now, after 35 her fertility decreases rapidly.

Don't worry, millions of people have done it before and managed.

I've raised 6 kids so far, 4 in the UK, 2 in Thailand ....... Thailand is a lot easier.

[TonyClifton]

You should be.  Be very scared.

[OneMoreFarang]

Screaming kids are very annoying and I agree with you, try to avoid them as much as you can.

From time to time I see nice kids and it's ok to look at them for a few minutes. But look long enough and they also scream for whatever reason.

Let your wife play with all the other peoples kids as much as she wants but don't add any annoying kids yourself.

Best case kids are sometimes nice. Worst case they are all the time headache and cost a fortune. I can't imagine that is what you want.

[scorecard]

10 minutes ago, TonyClifton said:

You should be.  Be very scared.

No not true.

 

It's true raising kids, from new born to when your die is a big commitment and a lot of hard work and you need to take the responsibilities involved very seriously, and it ain't cheap.

 

But the joy, the happiness, the pleasures of raising, teaching, providing for the kids, the laughing etc., well outweighs any downside. 

 

3 kids not adults all doing well, and make me very proud.

 

3 Thai grandkids - the same points all over again, plus things like 'grandfather can you tell us another story like being the first house on your street to get a fridge', etc, etc, etc. 

[BobBKK]

Don't have them then  *duh*

[bojo]

3 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Screaming kids are very annoying and I agree with you, try to avoid them as much as you can.

From time to time I see nice kids and it's ok to look at them for a few minutes. But look long enough and they also scream for whatever reason.

Let your wife play with all the other peoples kids as much as she wants but don't add any annoying kids yourself.

Best case kids are sometimes nice. Worst case they are all the time headache and cost a fortune. I can't imagine that is what you want.

Read between the linesin this reply to OP's post. If you love kids; (who are our future, need one be reminded) this is a rather selfish post in many ways........

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

53 minutes ago, robblok said:

I never wanted kids and previous wife said she did not want them. In the end she changed her mind and it ended our relationship.

 

I would never take kids if I was not 100% sure about having them. You should want them otherwise it could be a nightmare for you and the kid. Nobody not you nor the kid needs problems like that.

 

Not everyone should have kids though people will look at you funny when you say such a thing. 

 

Unfortunately, Thailand is rife with couples who have kids and then totally abdicate being any kind of effective and responsible parents... Because the parents are both busy working, or the father takes a runner, and/or the kids get shipped off to some grandparent or other older relative somewhere, etc etc.

 

IMHO, parenting done right is a big and serious job, a long-term job and commitment. If anyone's unsure about it, I'd much rather they took the safer route of not having kids, because we can already pretty clearly see what the major impacts are in Thailand of poor or absentee parenting, and they're not good!

 

[guzzi850m2]

Having a kid is one of the nicest things of life.

 

I got two here in Thailand (with two different women).

 

My oldest is now in Denmark studying, youngest is here in the house with me; brighten up my life big time.

 

Having kids is expensive here in Thailand; especially education cost. 

 

I got my kids late in life, wasn't ready when younger, was busy partying-chasing skirts. 

[madmen]

Your gonna have the kids and end up building next door to the in laws you know that already because that's how it works and thousands before you have been pushed or "gently guided" down the same path.

 

I had a son early 20's, to young but glad I got it out of the way when I had more energy [emoji298]

 

No way would I have kids at 40 without a live in nanny

 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

21 minutes ago, bojo said:

Read between the linesin this reply to OP's post. If you love kids; (who are our future, need one be reminded) this is a rather selfish post in many ways........

I read an interesting reader comment in The Nation the other day.

In the previous days there was a lot of discussion about meat and so many animals and if so many people eat meat all the time this is impossible.

One letter writer to the editors summed it up nicely. He wrote: The problem is the overpopulation of this planet. If there are more and more people there are more problems like above. With fewer people there are fewer problems.

The letter writer said he has no children so he does not contribute to more people and more problems on earth.

I think he had a good point. There are already more than 7.6 billion people on earth. We don't need more.

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

6 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I read an interesting reader comment in The Nation the other day.

In the previous days there was a lot of discussion about meat and so many animals and if so many people eat meat all the time this is impossible.

One letter writer to the editors summed it up nicely. He wrote: The problem is the overpopulation of this planet. If there are more and more people there are more problems like above. With fewer people there are fewer problems.

The letter writer said he has no children so he does not contribute to more people and more problems on earth.

I think he had a good point. There are already more than 7.6 billion people on earth. We don't need more.

 

And the other facet of that issue is, a lot of the high childbirth populations/regions are those where the populations are poor and in otherwise challenged conditions, meaning the upbringing of the kids is not likely to be so good. It's tending to take bad situations, and make them even worse by adding to the population burden (child birth beyond population replacement levels).

[bojo]

6 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I read an interesting reader comment in The Nation the other day.

In the previous days there was a lot of discussion about meat and so many animals and if so many people eat meat all the time this is impossible.

One letter writer to the editors summed it up nicely. He wrote: The problem is the overpopulation of this planet. If there are more and more people there are more problems like above. With fewer people there are fewer problems.

The letter writer said he has no children so he does not contribute to more people and more problems on earth.

I think he had a good point. There are already more than 7.6 billion people on earth. We don't need more.

I hear you, but I should add that 7.6 billion might sound alot, especially when you look at population graphs up till now, but regarding meat eating; technology and alternatives are quickly providing solutions. Perhaps in 50 years, people will be saying that 7.6 million wasn't that big a deal... ?

[JHolmesJr]

people who have kids are modern day heroes in my opinion...the costs associated are staggering over 21 years, till the kid can be independent....and there's no guarantee they will turn out to be good eggs.

 

they are not for guys who wish to be able to up and go at a moments notice.

 

Slight drawback is you will die alone and possibly neglected.

 

pick your poison and live with it.

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

10 minutes ago, bojo said:

but regarding meat eating; technology and alternatives are quickly providing solutions. Perhaps in 50 years, people will be saying that 7.6 million wasn't that big a deal... ?

 

Of course technology will provide solutions...  How would you fancy a nice bowl of Soylent Green?

 

Or, the alternative in 50 years could well be, we (the world's population, or much of it) will all be dead!

 

Edited January 13, 2019 by TallGuyJohninBKK

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

3 minutes ago, JHolmesJr said:

people who have kids are modern day heroes in my opinion..

 

 

ANYBODY can "have" kids. There's nothing heroic about that. The Thais do it left and right with no consideration whatsoever.

 

The heroic part comes AFTERWARD, in terms of how the new parent(s) handle the 20+ year commitment they've made to raising their kids.

 

Edited January 13, 2019 by TallGuyJohninBKK

[BritManToo]

34 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

One letter writer to the editors summed it up nicely. He wrote: The problem is the overpopulation of this planet. If there are more and more people there are more problems like above. With fewer people there are fewer problems.

The letter writer said he has no children so he does not contribute to more people and more problems on earth.

I think he had a good point. There are already more than 7.6 billion people on earth. We don't need more.

White children, Thai children and Japanese children aren't the problem.

There's less of us/them every year.

 

The writers point was foolish in the extreme.

Edited January 13, 2019 by BritManToo

[Enoon]

OP

 

The only purpose of life is to create more life.

 

Everything else is just vanity and passing the time.

 

If you wait until you find that out for yourself it'll be too late.

 

 

 

Edited January 13, 2019 by Enoon

[KiChakayan]

Funny, about 10 years ago, during one of our never ending coffee breaks at work, we were talking about what we would want to experience again during the rest of our lives. I came back with two wishes, one was going back to Antarctica for a year, the other was having young kids again. I have been blessed since with two beautiful daughters. 

[Isaan Alan]

Hmm. Is your middle name "but" or "however" ?

I want to build a house but not yet

I like kids but ....

When we do build a house I'll think about kids

We could have plenty of babysitters but

There's some land near my mother-in-law however

If I read the maths right you waited 7 years to seal the deal with your wife

There's a trend here

 

So have you honestly and frankly talked to your wife about what she wants? 

 

 

 

[KiChakayan]

35 minutes ago, JHolmesJr said:

people who have kids are modern day heroes in my opinion...the costs associated are staggering over 21 years, till the kid can be independent....and there's no guarantee they will turn out to be good eggs.

 

they are not for guys who wish to be able to up and go at a moments notice.

 

Slight drawback is you will die alone and possibly neglected.

 

pick your poison and live with it.

There is less than 10% of my income that I don't share with loved ones. I feel guilty about spending 10000 a month on wine, but my wife drinks half of it.

And... absolutely no regrets.

[robblok]

1 hour ago, TallGuyJohninBKK said:

 

Unfortunately, Thailand is rife with couples who have kids and then totally abdicate being any kind of effective and responsible parents... Because the parents are both busy working, or the father takes a runner, and/or the kids get shipped off to some grandparent or other older relative somewhere, etc etc.

 

IMHO, parenting done right is a big and serious job, a long-term job and commitment. If anyone's unsure about it, I'd much rather they took the safer route of not having kids, because we can already pretty clearly see what the major impacts are in Thailand of poor or absentee parenting, and they're not good!

 

Exactly how i think about it, if your a parent you should be committed to doing a good job. Its an important decision that needs some thought before deciding what to do. 

[Lacessit]

A couple of things the OP may want to consider:

 

1/ His wife's chances of having a Downs' Syndrome child are significantly increased in her thirties. Unless of course it is aborted. A Downs child is a life sentence for the parents.

 

2/ Does he really want to be in his fifties/sixties attempting to deal with a teenager/young adult?

 

Not all people can be good parents. There's no training manual. If he doesn't feel he can cope, he shouldn't do it.

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

36 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

White children, Thai children and Japanese children aren't the problem.

There's less of us/them every year.

 

 

I was surprised... At least if this data below is correct, Thailand seems to have a quite low birthrate... lower even than the U.S., and even lower than China   And yet, seems miserably incapable of good parenting, quality education, even good nutrition.

 

http://worldpopulationreview.com/countries/total-fertility-rate/

 

Rankings out of 200 nations, 2018 data:

 

 

 

Quote

 

The vast majority of the countries in the world with the highest fertility rates are in Africa, with Niger topping the list at 7.153 children per woman, followed by Somalia at 6.123 children per woman. The Democratic Republic of Congo, Mali and Chad follow at 5.963, 5.922 and 5.797 children per woman, respectively. The North African country of Tunisia has the lowest fertility rate on the continent at 2.147 children per woman – a figure that puts it roughly in the middle of the two hundred countries listed.

 

 

 

[baansgr]

My own experience having 3 kids here, wouldnt worry about your reservations, there should be a law to stop thais having kids! they treat them as a commodity and love dosnt come into the equation no matter what....they are looked on as a future source of revenue...sad but its true