Ever woke up in the morning and though to yourself “It’s gonna be a great day?”

Well, I did the other day, and here’s how my day went …..

I actually awoke an hour later than normal, but my good old body clock was right on time, and ready for the morning dump. Bathroom isn’t free, not to worry, I’ll busy myself with some cleaning. 20 minutes later and I am ready to burst. Turns out my son is in the bathroom and he’s wearing my Bluetooth headphones while he sits and ponders life, women and the universe.

By this time I’m doing a unique Irish jig, and my dog has an expression on his face that I haven’t seen before, and just as I was contemplating digging a hole in the garden, son emerges from the bathroom. Aaaah Heaven!!!

I emerge from the bathroom a kilo lighter and in much better spirits, only to find my dentures are not in the glass by the bed. My search soon revealed a crushed set of teeth, probably thanks to the dog, who must’ve thought it was a new toy.

Oh well, who needs teeth anyway, they’re very overrated, and I refused to let such a minor thing get me down, and I even forgave my dog, who had a guilty look on his face telling me he chomped on my chompers.

Time to walk the dogs, and we get ready for the usual routine; I slide the front gate open and they tear off like a couple of possessed greyhounds, only this morning there happened to be a vendor riding past on her pushbike. Not sure what she was selling, I think I saw some cakes flying through the air as my boy crashed into her, sending the poor woman and my dog flying through the air. She got up and after a quick limb check, she smiled and began to clear up the debris. The dogs mistakenly thought she was a dog catcher and both disappeared as fast as their legs would carry them, and after helping her to retrieve all her stuff, she mounted her bike, and when I asked if she wanted some financial compensation for the destroyed products, she smiled and told me she would never ask a man with no teeth for money.

I’ve been awake for just over an hour and already had more drama that would normally occur in a week, and if I thought that was the end of it, I was to be sorely mistaken.

When I arrived at the piece of waste ground where my dogs do their business, I find the girl rolling in doggie poop, while the boy is nowhere to be seen. A yelp and a scream soon alerted me to his whereabouts, in a neighbour’s garden chasing her cat!

The cat was fine, they always are, but in his efforts to catch the feline, my Labrador had destroyed her collection of garden gnomes. After some serious groveling and apologies, I managed to coax Chokky out of her garden, and we went to finish our little walk. Time to return home and despite my attempts to get ahead, the girl, Lucky, goes straight into the living room and rolls around on the sofa, spreading the poo in every direction.

I duly drag the dog outside and showered her 4 times, then cleaned up the mess in the lounge (as best I could), then turned on the TV to see a “no-signal” message. By this time, I’m starting to think that the gods have conspired against me, and after checking that it wasn’t Friday the 13^th, I decide to take a long shower.

I like to really lather myself up when showering, and just as I finished doing that, the water stops running abruptly, leaving me looking like a snowman. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to remove soap without water, but take it from me, it cannot be done, and after using 5 towels, I was finally dry, and smelling sweet I might add.

My latent positivity told me that I was having a whole year’s bad fortune in one go, and I reasoned that this little series of misfortunes was not going to get me down.

Any thoughts I might have had that this was going to be a great day were shattered when I dropped a jar of coffee on the kitchen floor, and the dogs thought this was a new game and began to roll around in the brown mess I’d created. I used the 5 soap covered towels the clean up the mess, which turned out to be a great way to make the coffee bubble, while turning the floor into an ice rink!

I decided to treat myself to a glass of fresh orange juice, and to my surprise, the fridge light didn’t come on when I opened the door, probably due to the fact that someone had unplugged it. At this point, I thought about going back to bed and starting again, after all, it could never be as bad as this, could it?

I did have a brainwave, which consisted of me sitting in a chair and not touching anything for the rest of the day, but in the end I decided to continue my day like nothing happened.

The TV remote was nowhere to be seen, and while searching for it, I found a few pieces of my dentures, damning evidence indeed, as they were right where my dog sleeps. I thought about booting up my computer, but decided against it, fearing the dreaded blue screen, or worse, no power, and besides, the world can wait, at least until my life calms down.

I began to search for the car keys, not expecting to find them, so it was no surprise that my search yielded nothing but more bits of my teeth.

At this point, my other half gets up and wants to know why the bathroom has been coated in soap, and remarked on the brown mess in the kitchen, I simply smiled and said it was “one of those days”.

The afternoon …….

The car keys magically turned up, so I decided to risk a trip out on the roads ……

I mean, what could go wrong?

I knew the old girl was low on fuel and to my amazement the engine cut out just as I rolled into the LPG station, how perfect was that? Except the pump station was closed!

I duly waited an hour and sure enough the pump attendants arrived, so I told the girl to fill her up, which she did. I then realised I left my wallet at home!

Being a regular customer and fluent in Thai allowed me to drive away on the promise of returning later to pay my bill, which I did, of course.

The ATM

These hole in the wall cash dispensers don’t normally mess with me. I normally get exactly what I want and have never had an issue, in fact, I tell everyone I know, next birthday, I’d like an ATM if possible. It isn't the machine I have an issue with, rather the people that use them, and today was no exception. The guy in front of me had only just beat me to it, but the average transaction takes less than 3 minutes, and after he slotted his card in, he produced a little black book and began punching numbers into the ATM. 15 minutes later I gave up and want across the street (very carefully I might add).

Armed with my wallet, I proceeded to do a little shopping in my local 7-11 and when confronted with the checkout, I naturally chose the till with only one person in front of me. Sod’s law was at work here, as the elderly woman in front of me produced a fistful of utility bills. It matters not which line I get in, I always seem to get the one with a heap of bills.

Finally on my way home, I reasoned with myself that this is all in my head, and that in fact, it was purely down to coincidence that my day was one catastrophe after another, when I suddenly realised that I had a rear tyre problem. Turned out that my brand new tyre just happened to make contact with a nail, and was now hissing like an angry King Cobra!.

I'm well-versed with changing a wheel on the car and get to work, only stopping when I couldn't find the jack! Turned out my son used it to jack up the back wheel of his Yamaha R3, to lubricate the chain. I actually laughed out loud at this point, looking up at the sky and shaking my head. God knows why I did that, I mean I am not a believer of any religion, and there's certainly not an old bearded man looking down on me, yet I do know that my own consciousness can affect physical outcomes, however, I think nothing but good thoughts, so that can't be the reason for having a lifetime's worth of bad luck in a single day.

 

Son brings jack, wheel gets changed and I arrive at home, wondering what catastrophes have occurred in the short time I'd been away, but, to my surprise, all is well. Dogs laying on the porch, and everything was where I left it.

It is now close to midday, yet it feels like a whole week has passed since I awoke that morning.

Time for some work, so I set up my laptop and boot her up on the porch, which doubles as my office.

I run my business empire from this workstation.
 

I take a dip in my pool while Windows does its stuff, and realise that I am the luckiest person on the planet, as I suspend myself in cool water and survey my idyllic surroundings, and what's more, I get paid to be here!

I open the email that tells me that I've been chosen by the son of a deposed Nigerian prince to receive $50 million into my account, half of which I must send to him. Overcome with joy at my sudden riches, I promptly delete the mail. I have a mental image of every single person in Nigeria sitting in front of a computer, sending out these scams to people around the world, yet they won't get me, I'm far too old in the tooth to fall prey to such nonsense!

I sat in my office until the sun went down and am happy to report that the rest of the day was uneventful, aside from winning 4,000 baht on the lottery, that is.

The following day, things returned to normal, and I am a little smug, cos I got a decade of bad fortune in one day, and can look forward to blue skies and easy living.

2 hours ago, geronimo said:

I'm far too old in the tooth to fall prey to such nonsense!

I thought you didn't any teeth. ????

     Great read thanks. Your shitty day made mine.

Super post, and it made great reading.  The OP is def something of a wordsmith!

 

Clearly, whether the OP believes in God or not, is immaterial.  God was punishing him for some previous transgression, or one yet to come! The OP has also never heard of Karma and shouldn't relax, thinking that he will not have another day like this in the next 10 years.  Another day like this may be just around the corner! ????

4 minutes ago, allanos said:

Super post, and it made great reading.  The OP is def something of a wordsmith!

 

Clearly, whether the OP believes in God or not, is immaterial.  God was punishing him for some previous transgression, or one yet to come! The OP has also never heard of Karma and shouldn't relax, thinking that he will not have another day like this in the next 10 years.  Another day like this may be just around the corner! ????

I'll let you know in due course, and, of course, I'll never say never!

A great read, and a reminder of the banality of existence.

Let me suggest to the OP his son and dogs both sound as if they need training, toilet or otherwise.

I was waiting for.......... .and then I had this ringing in my ears, dazed and confused by this noise, I realised it was the alarm clock and it was all a dream...........now the real day can start ! ????

1 minute ago, CharlieH said:

I was waiting for.......... .and then I had this ringing in my ears, dazed and confused by this noise, O realused it was the alarm clock and it was all a dream...........now the real day can start ! ????

At least I'd still have my teeth!

I admire your coolness


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11 minutes ago, geronimo said:

At least I'd still have my teeth!

Dog looks good though......

 

 

14 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

Dog looks good though......

 

 

Actually, my dog looks very much like him, minus the teeth though!

I had a pretty good day today. Found out I don't have lung cancer and the mass showing on the x-ray was part of my old aortic aneurysm fix.

 

OP, great post.

51 minutes ago, grollies said:

I had a pretty good day today. Found out I don't have lung cancer and the mass showing on the x-ray was part of my old aortic aneurysm fix.

 

OP, great post.

That's a really great day Sir!

Great read and seems like many days I have had in the past....Please post again! ????????????

24 minutes ago, Mario666 said:

Great read and seems like many days I have had in the past....Please post again! ????????????

Just Did ????

double post

Dog catcher? Garden gnomes? How very unthailand like.

That's without doubt the most entertaining post I read on TV since I joined. Please make two more in the same vein, and then I'll tell you if people will buy an ebook written by you. Great stuff, I feel the new Tom Sharpe in the offing. ????

That's without doubt the most entertaining post I read on TV since I joined. Please make two more in the same vein, and then I'll tell you if people will buy an ebook written by you. Great stuff, I feel the new Tom Sharpe in the offing. [emoji41]

Thanks for your words of encouragement

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