This is the Asian culture, she can not accept a foreign step father.

41 minutes ago, maprao said:

Thai step children especially boys will always be a problem. Even after they become adults.

Don't generalize. Many step kids grow up to be great people. It's the way they are raised and the influence, good or bad, the step parent shows that molds them into who they will be. 

I personally know of two Thai/falang relationships where the children, a boy in one case and a girl in the other, still never accepted the falang even after the relationships were long term, and I'm talking years. Both kids were prepubescent when the relationships begun and ignored their mothers falang partner from the get go. Both guys did everything to try and win the kids over, it just never happened. Both kids had been spoiled rotten by their mothers, so I guess that didn't help. I gave both the guys credit for hanging in there, it must have been hell. The kids are now late teens and have moved out.

2 hours ago, dd1988 said:

Been dating thai gf for 1 year.  Ive been in thailand off and on since.  

 

2 hours ago, dd1988 said:

felt rude when i didnt even get that after not seeing her for 7 months

I think you are still a complete stranger to this girl as it looks like you have not had much time with her. It will take more time and a lot of patience on your part. Good luck, don't write her off too quickly.

 

13 hours ago, orchis said:

maybe the child has seen enough mother's boyfriends

This is probobly it. Im just another foreign bf...

Thai children are just way more shy than western children (at least towards western persons)

You say you have been dating her mom for one year, but didn't see her for 7 months in this time. So how much time did you spend with her? Probably not much, which means you are just a stranger to her.

You say she speaks english ok. How do you know this if she doesn't speak with you? She doesn't even say hello to you because she is afraid that if she says hello you will try to have a conversation with her which she won't understand.

 

14 hours ago, dd1988 said:

I was considering moving them to my home country

I guess you have talked with her mom about this?

Did you consider that she doesn't want to move? Maybe not even her mom wants to move.

So the daughter thinks you will do something bad (forcing her out of Thailand) towards her, and might even feel like you are taking her mother away from her.

 

If you only see them sporadically there is also a chance that other guys are involved. Maybe there were other guys introduced as the mother's boyfriend, which would of course confuse the daughter.

2 minutes ago, jackdd said:

Thai children are just way more shy than western children (at least towards western persons)

You say you have been dating her mom for one year, but didn't see her for 7 months in this time. So how much time did you spend with her? Probably not much, which means you are just a stranger to her.

You say she speaks english ok. How do you know this if she doesn't speak with you? She doesn't even say hello to you because she is afraid that if she says hello you will try to have a conversation with her which she won't understand.

 

I guess you have talked with her mom about this?

Did you consider that she doesn't want to move? Maybe not even her mom wants to move.

So the daughter thinks you will do something bad (forcing her out of Thailand) towards her, and might even feel like you are taking her mother away from her.

 

If you only see them sporadically there is also a chance that other guys are involved. Maybe there were other guys introduced as the mother's boyfriend, which would of course confuse the daughter.

I asked her if she speaks english well now she did not answer. her mom then forced her to answer and she said 50%. 

 

I was here for 4 months saw her everyday for abit. she spoke little english then though. 

 

she understands basic convo well. 

 

I asked her mom why she is like this she claims she is like this with everyone but her peers.  could be true I have not seen her daughter soeak to her grandma before shes old doesnt talk much but talks to me in  basic thai.  

Give it time, as a stepfather figure you need to gain her trust and friendship rather than demand gestures of faked respect.... you’re going about it the wrong way 

14 minutes ago, lemonjelly said:

Give it time, as a stepfather figure you need to gain her trust and friendship rather than demand gestures of faked respect.... you’re going about it the wrong way 

Lol kids are so spoiled. They get fed and housed for free and cannot show basic respect to their moms bf; imo her kids behavior is risking her moms future wellbeing (potential for a rich western bf), if  I was my gfs mom I would be feeding the kid only rice for the next few weeks until her behavior improved.  

14 hours ago, kevin612 said:

This is the Asian culture, she can not accept a foreign step father.

Absolute rubbish.

1 hour ago, dd1988 said:

Lol kids are so spoiled. They get fed and housed for free and cannot show basic respect to their moms bf; imo her kids behavior is risking her moms future wellbeing (potential for a rich western bf), if  I was my gfs mom I would be feeding the kid only rice for the next few weeks until her behavior improved.  

You are unfit to be a father.

Reckon things could get better if OP had another child with the mum. And seeing from a different angle I'd say that if HE doesn't want a child, he'd better go right away and stick to short term rentals.

33 minutes ago, Momofarang said:

Reckon things could get better if OP had another child with the mum. And seeing from a different angle I'd say that if HE doesn't want a child, he'd better go right away and stick to short term rentals.

Im wondering if im suitable to be a step father?  I would expect the kid to work as I had to as a child. Thais are lazy and might try to avoid work.

 

When i was 13 i worked spraying hazardous chemicals in the forest mountainous terrain with 65ib backpack. I did enjoy this though and the wages were great.  I also had a mother with boarderline personality disorder and was left alone most of the time.  

 

I expect my kids to do the same (maybe not the hazardous chemicals part), but i fear if i married and brought her daughter home her daughter would not develop a north american work ethic and not leave my house at 18.  Her mom would permit and probobly encourage this.  

 

To top it off id get the old "i hate you, you made me leave thailand and live in this -40 degree wasteland" bit. 

17 hours ago, Momofarang said:

Dunno, but I don't see how a 12 years old girl would accept a "new" dad, possibly "alien" , just because her mum decides she has to do so. At 12 she a Thai girl isn't a child anymore.

Agree. My immediate questions were:

 

How long ago did her patemts split up?

 

When did she last see her Dad? Is he still in her life at all? What is (was) their relationship like?

 

Did the mother have other BFs before meeting you? How many and what was their relationship with the girl like?

 

It is not at all unusual for a child to resent a step parent or equivalent, feeling that this person is trying to take her father's rightful place. Can feel this way even if the Father has made no contact for years.

 

Conversely if she was deeply hurt by the father in any way, this too will make her wary of forming new ties.

 

And if there have been other BFs who she formed a bond with only to have them vanish from her life, or worse yet if any abused her...then she'll naturally have put up walls. And the Mom would not necessarily know.

 

In short I think it unlikely this is down to rudeness or "bad" behavior. More likely the girl is protecting herself emotionally and/or inhibited by feelings of loyalty to her father.

 

Try to be understanding and be very patient. Respect her boundaries even though you don't know their reason.continue to be kind. Give it time and don't push. Don't take it personally.

 

But also don't move them abroad until your relationship with her is better.

 

A) This is one reason, why self respecting men shouldn't date single mums long term (but each their own..)

 

B) I suppose you could somewhat help diffuse the situation, by getting over yourself and your expectations, and telling her mother - preferably in front of the child - it's okay, please don't yell at her on my account, when she's ready to talk to me etc. she will. (YOU are imposing on HER, not the other way around)

 

C) Another possiblity could be, that you're not the only new "Uncle Bob" Mummy brings around (esp. if you don't see Mummy for 7+ months), I've known plenty of "single" moms (not Thai, but generally speaking) where I pitied the childre for all the "Uncles" in their lives (my oldest [half]brother included)

 

THere are many other possibilities, that are unrelated to you. I don't know why you think you will find the right answers from complete strangers on an internet forum, with so little information, none of us being qualified child-psychiatrists (or pseudo science psychologists), not to mention that far-away diagnosis is unethical (and often inaccurate), to begin with...

1 hour ago, dd1988 said:

Im wondering if im suitable to be a step father?  I would expect the kid to work as I had to as a child. Thais are lazy and might try to avoid work.

 

When i was 13 i worked spraying hazardous chemicals in the forest mountainous terrain with 65ib backpack. I did enjoy this though and the wages were great.  I also had a mother with boarderline personality disorder and was left alone most of the time.  

 

I expect my kids to do the same (maybe not the hazardous chemicals part), but i fear if i married and brought her daughter home her daughter would not develop a north american work ethic and not leave my house at 18.  Her mom would permit and probobly encourage this.  

 

To top it off id get the old "i hate you, you made me leave thailand and live in this -40 degree wasteland" bit. 

I can’t believe this post. 
 

Thais are lazy and might try to avoid work. 
I would feed her rice for a week. 
She would not develop a North American work ethic. 
I want to punch them in the mouth (from another thread). 
 

in answer to your first question, I would say a resounding NO!
 

 

40 minutes ago, Gweiloman said:

I can’t believe this post. 
 

Thais are lazy and might try to avoid work. 
I would feed her rice for a week. 
She would not develop a North American work ethic. 
I want to punch them in the mouth (from another thread). 
 

in answer to your first question, I would say a resounding NO!
 

 

lol, its true.

 

Many immigrants to canada choose welfare over a job live in tents etc.  

 

I would be liable for the welfare payments too. 

 

and lol im not feeding a misbehavong kid steaks just lol.  they can eat potatoes until they decide to be well behaved

15 hours ago, dd1988 said:

lol, its true.

 

Many immigrants to canada choose welfare over a job live in tents etc.  

 

I would be liable for the welfare payments too. 

 

and lol im not feeding a misbehavong kid steaks just lol.  they can eat potatoes until they decide to be well behaved

And you wonder why her attitude might not be favorable toward you? Sounds like she is picking up on some awful sentiment generated toward her... most parents want their children to have a better life, not have to suffer work w/toxins as you did... why shouldn't she want better? 

You seem a tad over sensitive. You're the adult here. Maybe Thailand isn't for you????

17 hours ago, dd1988 said:

Im wondering if im suitable to be a step father?  I would expect the kid to work as I had to as a child. Thais are lazy and might try to avoid work.

 

When i was 13 i worked spraying hazardous chemicals in the forest mountainous terrain with 65ib backpack. I did enjoy this though and the wages were great.  I also had a mother with boarderline personality disorder and was left alone most of the time.  

 

I expect my kids to do the same (maybe not the hazardous chemicals part), but i fear if i married and brought her daughter home her daughter would not develop a north american work ethic and not leave my house at 18.  Her mom would permit and probobly encourage this.  

 

To top it off id get the old "i hate you, you made me leave thailand and live in this -40 degree wasteland" bit. 

No mate, you're not suitable to be a stepfather, father or be anywhere near children. Your attitude towards children stinks.

 

In fact, forget having a serious relationship with any woman. I suggest that you go into long term therapy as you have serious issues.

On 12/18/2019 at 8:21 PM, dd1988 said:

12.  Her mom has to yell at her to get her to say hello to me.  

 

My gut tells me that her kid is  slightly narcissistic and maybe recieves to much praise from her mom.  Her kid does not get enouhh socialization outside of school maybe this is a contributing factor. 

Maybe she is not happy with a new man in her mom's life and having to share her attention? Maybe she had bad experiences with previous men in her mom's life? Maybe it's the fact you are a foreigner? There could be so many reasons and factors apart from the fact that she is an adolescent - a tough period for any child. You can't force her to like you and be nice to you. You have to win her trust. 

 

Adding: I just read the OP's reply about his childhood and now it's clear why the child sees him as trouble....

1 minute ago, LukKrueng said:

Maybe she is not happy with a new man in her mom's life and having to share her attention? Maybe she had bad experiences with previous men in her mom's life? Maybe it's the fact you are a foreigner? There could be so many reasons and factors apart from the fact that she is an adolescent - a tough period for any child. You can't force her to like you and be nice to you. You have to win her trust. 

I think that the OP is the bad experience. No chance of the girl ever liking him.

3 minutes ago, DannyCarlton said:

I think that the OP is the bad experience. No chance of the girl ever liking him.

Yes, after posting I read his childhood story and expectations of a child... your reply is spot on

She's a kid so she's probably scared or shy or both. Give her time to get used to you and your farung ways

Maybe OP should be more used to the Thai culture first ?

And where did he meet his GF ?  Not in a bar I hope. 

 

Children can be shy, my son hated making eye contact with adults even if he knew them well. Give her time to really get to know you. Maybe she's had a bad experience in the past with adults.

"I was considering moving them to my home country but could not tolerste her rude brattish behavior"

 

Have you thought that maybe she doesn't want to leave her family, her country, and everyone she knows behind to move to a place where she barely knows the language and has no friends?  You're thinking of completely changing the course of a  12 year old's life that might already have her own ideas and aspirations for her future.

 

Sounds to me like your relationship with her mom is a disruptor for her and her behavior lets you know she's not happy with the situation, and not accepting you as the guy that plots the course of her life. Put yourself in the kid's place and you might not be so happy either. Give her some choices in the decision - otherwise she's a victim of circumstance.

 

Maybe she can stay in Thailand with relatives if the mom is hot to leave with you. 

 

 

 

 

 

Had the same issues with my wife's kid; put it down to two things, shy and cultural differences. What I've found is most Thai's don't do greetings the same way farangs do, no "Good morning" every day, no "Hello how are you today". None of those little things we do. Plus, based on my experience; not communicating with the kid does have some benefits; they can't ask you for money/motorcycles/I-phones.......sometimes we shouldn't question these blessings.

Don't worry about it. It took several years for my GF's granddaughter to accept me, as being twice the size of her and grandmother must have been scary. I am now Khun Ta ( grandfather ). The girl is probably shy, and does not know how to talk with someone who does not speak Thai very well. Show kindness, but set boundaries.

Maybe the kid has bad experiences with (foreign) men.

Unfortunately that is not so seldom in Thailand.