Debt crisis with girlfriend

[cmarshall]

17 minutes ago, genericptr said:

I want to move back to the US also and thought about bringing her but I really don't trust her with money. Was that a good experience for her? I can't shake the feeling my girlfriend would be bored and miserable since she can't speak English well and could only secure a low paying job or driving Uber etc...

My wife even as a teenager was eager to "go inter(national)" as the Thais spoke of it then.  She had majored in English in college, even though she was far from fluent.  She succeeded in America, because she had a strong drive to succeed and worked very hard.  The first year she studied in an intensive English course 20 hours/week after which she could pass the TOEFL.  Within the first six months she was fluent in spoken English.

 

Then she enrolled in an American university to pursue her professional field. After graduation she worked for years in her professional field of expertise successfully.  Very few Thais from the culture of poverty have been capable of doing that.  None of her peers, despite their open envy of her, would have been successful.  If the above does not sound like a description of your girlfriend then you should forget the idea of bringing her to the US.  

Edited January 31, 2020 by cmarshall

[gk10002000]

1 hour ago, genericptr said:

That was my first idea! She absolutely refuses to do this. I already failed by helping her at all after she refused to make sacrifices herself.

Move on young man, move on.

[thaibeachlovers]

14 hours ago, genericptr said:

She's never had a history of asking for money until just this last year but I really find this all impossible to believe due to the utter stupidity of it.

People change. My wife changed from a lovely person that would never have asked me for money to a shrieking harpy from hell that wanted all my money.

 

She's your girlfriend, and either you think she's so wonderful that you have to save her now and forever, or you let her suffer the consequences of her own actions even if it means the end of the relationship. As pointed out, if you give her the money don't expect to see it back again.

[Kadilo]

If you’re anything like me you will be as worried about the lies as you are about the debt. 

Trouble is even when the debt is eventually cleared, the lies rarely end. It seems to be engrained in Thai culture and a lot stems from this face bull. 

Only you know what you’re true feelings are for her, but you seem a decent guy and by your own admission a few months of it is taking its toll. Wait until you hear the rest, because there is more for sure as her account doesnt add up ( no pun intended). 
 

The deal breaker for me would be the new car. Face > self help = Bye bye 
 

 

 

[spidermike007]

53 minutes ago, mercman24 said:

thais dont care a flying, ***, i lent a close friend 100,000 with signed contracts, i even seen a contract from her that she would get 70,000 back within one month,(April 2019) ok i was thinking, no problem as she lets rooms out at 10,000 a month, well that was 9 months ago, and about 9 excuses. i sell land, i ask my sister, i ask my son, i sell up, going to visit to day, i wonder what the excuse will be this time, i was told it would cost me more than 100,000 to get my money back, even with a court order in my favour, they still not pay, its a bloody joke in this country, with their stupid defamation laws,

Do not even consider a lawyer. Use social media if possible. Shame, embarrassment and humiliation are very powerful tools here. Use them. Use them wisely. And keep up the pressure. I had a guy who tried to take me for around $2,500. After a few months, I started really hassling him. Calling him nonstop, contacting his wife and family, emailing him daily, and I stayed on him like white on rice.

 

After a year of dogged pursuit, he paid me back in full. And he told me he did so only because I would not leave him alone. He told me he needed to get his life back, so he ripped someone else off, and paid me. 

 

So do not give up. And stop up the pressure in a dramatic fashion. Embarrass her to no end.

[BritManToo]

2 minutes ago, Kadilo said:

Trouble is even when the debt is eventually cleared, the lies rarely end. It seems to be engrained in Thai culture and a lot stems from this face bull. 

If you crossed out 'Thai', and inserted 'female', I'd agree with you.

I've never met a woman who wouldn't lie to make herself look better, or get some money out of a guy.

[Kadilo]

9 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

If you crossed out 'Thai', and inserted 'female', I'd agree with you.

I've never met a woman who wouldn't lie to make herself look better, or get some money out of a guy.

In my experience it’s worse here. 

They will tell the most ridiculous lies and make up unbelievable  stories to try and save face, and will dig in no matter what. 

 

Seems to me the OP girlfriend has just lifted the lid off the can. The contents will now slowly drip feed out along with the already prepared stories in an attempt to convince him to part with his cash. 
 

Edited January 31, 2020 by Kadilo

[aircooledflat4]

49 minutes ago, cmarshall said:

It's an old saw of sociology that how people plan for the future depends on their level of income.  Poor people struggle to live day by day and lack the resources to do effective planning for the future. 

Are you including the Chinese in this wildly generalised theory?

 

[Liverpudlian]

14 hours ago, genericptr said:

That's what it feels like. I already sent her 6000/month for that last 6 months or so and paid her insurance which was 18k. My fear is that I've unlocked something in her brain and now it's going to be sick Dad next month and then sick buffalo the month after that.

 

Again she's never had a history of this but it's so suspicious. It feels like giving her money is making her money problems worse and she has no plan into the future even though it's very easy to predict how this needs to managed. 

 

Speaking of that, why did the bank just decide that it's next month or she's going to court? All she can do is keep making the monthly payment so it doesn't seem to be in the interest of the bank to enforce this arbitrary time limit, unless she's lying to me of course.

This has happened to me years ago here, i ended up losing my car / 20 rye of land etc etc my current G/F gets maximum 5000 P/M to cloth & feed our kids & THATS IT !

[khunpa]

The more I read about your situaiton, the more I would say: Get out of the relationship.

 

The facts are that this woman has a decent wage and should not need extra help from you. Furthermore, she is making you feel bad, which is not the point of any relationship. There should be no reason for you to walk around feeling terrible, when it is not a situation you have caused.

 

Discussed this with my wife yesterday and she is sure that your girlfriend could have a gambling problem. My wife who owns and runs a small restaurant told me about some of the small business owners next to her shop. Some of them are gambling for huge amounts every month, compared to their income. One is a Thai woman, who steals money from her Farang husband to gamble for. She spends between 10-15.000 THB monthly of his money, just on lottery tickets.

 

Are you sure she is not gambling away all her money?

Edited January 31, 2020 by khunpa

[SteveK]

I would run a mile for two reasons:

 

1 - Any money you hand out in Thailand will be treated as a gratuity 99% of the time, no matter what is said between the two parties. If you can't afford to lose it, don't lend it in Thailand. Goes for money and possessions. 

2 - Once you've handed over the money once, that's it, she knows you're a soft touch and it she will ask again, guaranteed. You should be firm with your Thai partner from the start and be willing to help but not willing to hand over cash. A fool and their money are easily parted, especially when a sexy little brown skinned girl is involved. Don't be a fool.

 

If I had a girlfriend in the UK ask me for 1350 quid to help pay down a debt, I would never ever hand it over!

[BritManToo]

49 minutes ago, Kadilo said:

In my experience it’s worse here. 

They will tell the most ridiculous lies and make up unbelievable  stories to try and save face, and will dig in no matter what. 

Seems to me the OP girlfriend has just lifted the lid off the can. The contents will now slowly drip feed out along with the already prepared stories in an attempt to convince him to part with his cash. 
 

But on the plus side,

It's so much easier to get a new girlfriend here, that there's no point in enduring any nonsense from the current girlfriend. One of the ongoing themes on ThaiVISA, is why do Thai guys move on so often, and the OP has described exactly why they move on.

Edited January 31, 2020 by BritManToo

[Pravda]

Just a thought as to why she "changed".

 

7 years your girlfriend and no marriage in sight? 

 

She obviously sees no future with you.

[SteveK]

4 minutes ago, Pravda said:

She obviously sees no future with you.

I disagree - I think she sees a future with him, one where he is supporting her financially whilst she keeps spending, gambling or whatever it is she is doing.

[Conno]

I totally feel for you man and it is a real tug of war on the emotions if you still have strong feeling for the girl. Can't live with her but don't want to be without her also.

 

In my experience and in general terms this isn't the type of situation that is exclusive to Thai females....however after saying that it does seem to occur more frequently over here than in the West. Whether that is poverty or culture related issue I'm not sure. In your case it sounds to be cultural considering her more than decent monthly income. I have found myself in similar situations and it is more often than not a relationship killer.

 

The problem I can never reconcile is this live for today and to hell with tomorrow attitude. Yea we all should live today as if it was our last, but not at the expense of totally disregarding the future. There's a famous saying that says there are two things guaranteed in life...death and taxes. I don't agree with that statement as there are many legal ways to mitigate tax. No the more accurate truth is "death and <deleted>" as in <deleted> happens. [i'm sure that will be TVF deleted but you get the drift] 

 

So given the above the clash happens when one partner understands this and the other doesn't. The one that understands and lives by this logic, balances the books, lives within their means, makes sacrifices so as to put something aside for the future storms that are guaranteed to come their way. In other words hope for the best but also plans for the worst.

 

The partner that doesn't understand this basic life skill blows the money as soon as it comes into their possession, yea they look like the life and soul of the party when all is well but it changes when things go wrong.  When it does go wrong they then look to the partner who does have this life skill to rescue them from the disaster........

 

 My attitude towards providing help is then based on the reason the situation came about. If it was a totally unexpected act of God, debt through illness, traffic accident, or anything out of ones control to prevent then by all means help. If the the problem has come about through stupidity, no self control or just general disregard for common sense then they are on their own. She needs to face the consequences of her own actions or she will learn nothing. 

 

In your case I wouldn't help her if she won't help herself first [car issue] I wouldn't necessarily dump her unless staying with her [and her emotional blackmail] became intolerable. You ain't married so you are not obligated to help her out. By all means try and give her advice but I wouldn't give her any financial help. The biggest life lessons are learned by the mistakes you make not by the successes. If she's incapable of sorting this out on her own then the direction you need to move in is very clear.

Good Luck. 

[BritManToo]

8 minutes ago, Pravda said:

Just a thought as to why she "changed".

7 years your girlfriend and no marriage in sight? 

She obviously sees no future with you.

She never changed, he never spent enough time with her to reveal her true self.

I've found you have to live with a Thai lady constantly for 3-6 months before their true nature is revealed.

OP is just a tourist.

[Assurancetourix]

3 hours ago, genericptr said:

Another question: what exactly happens if she goes to court? She made it sound like this would be some crisis but maybe they just settle her debts and put her on a different plan? She was already paying 7k/month on the 200k so I don't know what else the bank wants her to do. Maybe she was delinquent and not being fully honest?

 

I can not understand why all these questions on problems that do not concern you.

 

Several members here, and I am one of them, tell you to flee;
Leave her with her financial problems;

 

If you continue not to listen to us and try to defend herself again ... we will let you down.

She keeps driving you and it really looks like you like it!

 

Girls in Thailand is not missing.
Go to any supermarket or a mall ; you will see dozens of them, for example those selling trinkets in the aisles; they start early to finish late at night and sometimes they don't even earn enough to eat ...
You will have to speak a minimum of Thai to start a conversation ...

Edited January 31, 2020 by Assurancetourix

[NorthernRyland]

1 hour ago, Conno said:

I totally feel for you man and it is a real tug of war on the emotions if you still have strong feeling for the girl. Can't live with her but don't want to be without her also.

 

Thank you. Good advice all around in your post.

[talahtnut]

3 hours ago, genericptr said:

That was my first idea! She absolutely refuses to do this. I already failed by helping her at all after she refused to make sacrifices herself.

Wow! she must believe she's a bit of a princess.

You gotta flog that car and buy her a bicycle.

Then wait to get booted out...Problem solved!

[bkk6060]

1 hour ago, BritManToo said:

She never changed, he never spent enough time with her to reveal her true self.

I've found you have to live with a Thai lady constantly for 3-6 months before their true nature is revealed.

OP is just a tourist.

I think they can fake it for up to a year.

Just like they fake I am good at sex.

[Conno]

You're welcome Bro. One other point I'd like to say but didn't in my longer post is this. 

 

Now she is in this situation what are her spending habits TODAY. Is she completely focused on helping herself or not? Is she only spending what is available on NEEDS and the WANTS are now out of the window. Needs = food, water, essential clothing etc. Wants = fashion shoes or clothes, handbags, brand name cosmetics, new mobile phones, going out, alcohol, party's with friends. If she's still doing anything of the later and making excuses why she needs to then once again you have your answer. 

 

 

 

[Assurancetourix]

Most Thai people are in denial;
she will obviously continue to live as she has always lived;
purchase on credit of course of the next Apple smartphone at 1,000 euros or even more;
just her refusal to exchange the new vehicle she just bought when she doesn't have a side baht shows how completely she is living outside of reality.
In addition, this new vehicle will only belong to her when she has paid the 84 installments of her credit; meanwhile, it belongs to the bank which generously lent her the million baht in question;
bank which, too, is in denial because the director of the agency knows very well that at the slightest grain of sand she will be unable to repay her credit.

[simon43]

...I already sent her 6000/month for that last 6 months ...

 

Wait!  You're not living with her?

 

She's not your GF - she's a begging-letter pen friend ????

[NorthernRyland]

5 hours ago, simon43 said:

Wait!  You're not living with her?

 

She's not your GF - she's a begging-letter pen friend ????

I was working in the US last year but otherwise yes (and now).

[NorthernRyland]

5 hours ago, Assurancetourix said:

Most Thai people are in denial;
she will obviously continue to live as she has always lived;

I would say so. It really doesn't appear like any of this is really hitting home to her but we'll see next month. Hopes are not high.

[Lacessit]

I have managed to educate my GF to understand debt is bad, which I regard as something of an achievement. Thais do not understand future obligations, they live in the present.

Best option for the OP is to stay out of it. If she dumps him because he won't come to her aid, her true nature will be evident.

[englishoak]

6 hours ago, genericptr said:

I would say so. It really doesn't appear like any of this is really hitting home to her but we'll see next month. Hopes are not high.

 

Let her go to court and let fear do its work, personal experience might make it real enough. More likely she will just beg you more to fix her problem for her. If you do she will expect the same every time...you cant learn the lesson for her, If your going to stand by her either marry her and take her under your wing as the head of the family or let her fix her problem herself or take the punishment.

[thailand49]

Credit is a disease just like an addiction,  this is what your girlfriend has treat it like the same.

[rbmcn]

It is your money, of course, and if you choose to throw it away that is on you.  But- be under no misunderstanding that by paying off her debts you will clear up financial woes.  (1) you will never get any money back ( if that’s your expectation), and

(2) the debts will rack up again immediately in expectation of further salvation.

 

and, there may be other existing debts she hasn’t warned you about and once the known debts are paid she’ll hit you with these.  This is a guaranteed path to hell.  Don’t choose that path.  In my humble opinion.????

Edited February 1, 2020 by rbmcn

[jimn]

12 hours ago, genericptr said:

I would say so. It really doesn't appear like any of this is really hitting home to her but we'll see next month. Hopes are not high.

It sounds like you have already made your decision to ignore the advice on here and stay with your gf. The situation you need to avoid is doing nothing. You either need to bite the bullet and agree to help her with the 50k, but if you do she she has to agree to let you control her finances. Or you just need to run as some have suggested. If you just choose to do nothing and see how it goes month to month, then you will be as guilty as her and not facing up to the situation. You need to man up for whatever option you choose.