Thai Son won't let Mom hug him after 5 years not seeing her. Is this normal for a Thai adult?

[rwill]

Can't really comment on your particular circumstances.  But Thai's do hug.  

 

I guess one question would be, Did they ever hug in the past?

Edited March 6, 2020 by rwill

[Tchooptip]

 I have a little problem on this site, with certain members who regularly ask questions as if in a country of more than 60,000,000 million inhabitants everyone thought in the same way, all acted also in the same way and had in more of that all the same kind of ideas. Help!
They would have to make the effort to understand that some Thais are different from others, maybe without any common points sometimes.

[zoza]

young Thai lads  can be  both moody and skittish and sometimes the way they are brought up does not help, my stepson wanted to be a footballer and thinking I was helping I bought a proper ball and had a kick about with him and his mates in the village, but within two weeks I was told he wanted to be a ladyboy? he was spoiled by his mother and most of the family, and I realised that me showing off by catching the ball on my instep and neck and juggling with it, had in some way, made him loose face,

 

I thought at the time how spoiled Thai lads are, six years down the road and a stint in the army and he hugs his mother and has a pint with me, it is not easy sometimes but they get there in the end.   

Edited March 6, 2020 by zoza

[scorecard]

53 minutes ago, Khon Kaen Jeff said:

Yea not good that. If you had helped say your wife's parents then they could be excused if there was no thank you forthcoming, as they have their pride and are senior people etc, but this brat has no excuse. I have helped out my wife's sister financially and she couldn't thank me enough.

 

Just don't give him anymore and wash your hands with him, would be old Jeff's wisdom.

The 'thank you' item is case by case.

 

I have always been close to my Thai son and he's never once missed a thank you for anything. 

 

On the other hand son's wife never says thank you for anything. I noticed this on one occasion and he realized I had noticed and it became a discussion.

 

He wasn't making excuses but he mentioned his wives heredity is the far North of now Myanmar and he had heard his MIL mention that 'thank you' is not expected and is not common. (Son's wive, her mother and grandmother have Thai citizenship).

 

Further, my son has been very active to ensure his 3 kids quickly give a thank you. Always followed by a 'your welcome' from my son.  Son's wife just ignores this and ignores the thank yous she gets from her 3 kids. 

 

Years back I did some exploring of Vietnamese customs and I noted that in some areas of VN thank you doesn't exist and is not expected.

 

Smaller point, I wonder how many farang in Thailand know there's an area in VN where the second language is Thai and spoken by all in that area.  

[PatOngo]

1 hour ago, AgMech Cowboy said:

Everyone is different...

 

I have 5 brothers. We all think differently and have raised our children differently. We treat our wife's differently.

I don't really care!

[maprao]

If you are in the boonies and his mum left to go live with you in farangland I think it is probably resentment.

 

We experienced this. It was softened by the fact that he did not strugle financially when growing up. Had mobiles, computers and motorbikes. Food on the table AC in the house, which in the old days was not common in Nakhon nowhere.

 

His brother told me and his mum. The brother was close to an aunt who took care him. The one that behaves like your stepson apparently  had no one after grandad died...

He is lazy

Disrespectful to his mum (in my opinion)

Drunk takes other ****

Finally has to work as he got a girl pregnant and is now married with a kid.

Should be interesting when we go live full time in Thailand. 

 

My assessment with limited knowledge is; 1. He resents you for taking his mum away.

2.He resents mum for leaving him and not visiting regularly . 5 years way too long

3. Doesn't like the fact his mother married a foreigner ( added to said inferior foreigner rou**ng his mum)

4. Has a sense of entitlement 

5. Thai sons in rural settings even brought up by extended family are spoilt with lack of discipline and grow up with a false sense of superiority. 

People will dislike what  I said here and that's fine with me. I have 2 stepsons. One is great respectful hard working non smoking non drinking fine example. The other is a toe rag. End of. It all stems from RESENTMENT  despite everything . He resents you and expresses it with behavior towards his mum 

 

Edited March 6, 2020 by maprao
Spelling

[Peterphuket]

Being EuropeanI live in this country for more then 20 years of which the last 10 years with my Thai partner.

Almost every day I'm still surprised by Thai customs and culture.

Last night my gf told me a story about someone who died in the hospital, 2 days later  he was alive again, but died again!

I started to laugh loudly, but she became very serious, and as reply I was told that we foreigners do not understand that.

Those are the moments that you start to doubt yourself.

[spidermike007]

3 hours ago, scorecard said:

Lots of truth in what you say, from my observation.

 

Another configuration is lack of strong affection (hugging included) in public say on arrival at an airport, but at home in private a lot of hugging.

 

Many years ago I asked an older knowledgeable Thai lady I respected about this, she had studied many aspects of human behavior, she spoke perfect English.

 

Her response was as follows:

 

'there is no specific absolute answer to things like this in any culture / society, however In terms of Thailand and especially older Thai folks, hugging and kissing (even a peck on the cheek), and holding hands, in public, are seen as low class behaviors', but at home hugging etc., expected. 

Low class behaviors. What can one even say? How do you respond to this? I am so grateful I come from a society where class means very little. Classy yet. Class, no. What on earth does it mean, what a stranger thinks of you? Less than zero for me, thankfully. 

 

And besides, the whole "class" thing here is so distorted. It has so little to do with education, sophistication, etiquette, and substance, and nearly everything to do with net worth. Sorry, but money does not buy class, only the false perception of such in the minds of super conventional men and women. 

[DannyCarlton]

On 3/5/2020 at 2:39 AM, scorecard said:

And I wonder why the OP labelled the son as a 'coward'.

And stated that he was furious. If I were the son I would want nothing to do with him. What a self entitled <deleted>.

[emptypockets]

4 hours ago, Peterphuket said:

Being EuropeanI live in this country for more then 20 years of which the last 10 years with my Thai partner.

Almost every day I'm still surprised by Thai customs and culture.

Last night my gf told me a story about someone who died in the hospital, 2 days later  he was alive again, but died again!

I started to laugh loudly, but she became very serious, and as reply I was told that we foreigners do not understand that.

Those are the moments that you start to doubt yourself.

Khun Lazarus?

[scorecard]

On 3/5/2020 at 3:24 PM, Farangwithaplan said:

That is truly disturbing but as you say, really quite common in this country and others.

 

It happens.

 

A different example, my Thai son started uni in Bkk and quickly found a buddy who he still has regular contact with.

 

Time came for payment of the second semester fees for year 1. My son was quite upset to tell me his good buddy was dropping out of uni. I asked why.

 

Because his step father has forbidden the boys real mother to send him any money. In reality the boy had been living with his poor grandmother since his mother remarried.

 

Son suggested we try to help him. I had met the young man many times, very pleasant polite and caring kid, on his first visit he politely asked me in broken English 'please speak English to me, so I learn more'.

 

He had come to our condo many times, every time he came he walked in, waived and said 'can I help with anything'.

 

So son and I made a plan, son told him 'my dad will pay your fees but you have to get a part-time job and repay 25% of the fees sometime in the next semester' (fees in reality were not that high).

 

In fact he already had 2 part time jobs, he gave my son some repayment every time he got paid. He quickly repaid the 25% of money we had given him.

 

Next semester, my son asked me to continue the plan and we did. The young man came with my son to do a project, he had already repaid the 25%.

 

He walked in, waived, and asked in better English if he could help and I gave him a quick task to peel some potatoes and carrots which he readily did.

 

Then I asked him 'when is your birthday', He responded and then I said 'we have a birthday gift for you and I handed him an envelope with cash equal to the 25% he had repaid'. And I said 'we will continue to support your fees, but 100%, no need to repay anything. He ran over to me and hugged me with tears in his eyes.

 

When he went home my son came to me and cried and gave me a big thank you hug. Win-win all round. 

 

Today son's buddy is quite successful in his career, married with 2 kids who is totally devoted to and he's doing his best to teach his kids some English. 

[Skallywag]

On 3/5/2020 at 9:13 AM, steve654 said:

bothering me for a couple of  years now.  5 years ago when

At least it hasn't bothered you for 3 of those 5 years. 

Never heard of a "no hugging" tradition here in Thailand.  Must be frustrating and difficult for the mother

[steve654]

On 3/5/2020 at 8:57 PM, DannyCarlton said:

And stated that he was furious. If I were the son I would want nothing to do with him. What a self entitled <deleted>.

Looks like this forum sure does have a lot of bitter trolls hanging around.  Guess it's ok in your minds how he treats his mom, his sister and women in general.  I think based on your comments, I can safely say there are some really strange people in the world.

[steve654]

On 3/5/2020 at 6:36 PM, Khon Kaen Jeff said:

Yea not good that. If you had helped say your wife's parents then they could be excused if there was no thank you forthcoming, as they have their pride and are senior people etc, but this brat has no excuse. I have helped out my wife's sister financially and she couldn't thank me enough.

 

Just don't give him anymore and wash your hands with him, would be old Jeff's wisdom.

Good advice thanks. 

Edited March 7, 2020 by steve654

[DannyCarlton]

21 minutes ago, steve654 said:

Looks like this forum sure does have a lot of bitter trolls hanging around.  Guess it's ok in your minds how he treats his mom, his sister and women in general.  I think based on your comments, I can safely say there are some really strange people in the world.

Agree a different age but I took on my Thai son just short of his 3rd birthday. He had previosly been brought up by his grandmother and step grandfather in Issan. I initially "kidnapped" him and brought him to Pattaya when I caught his step grandfather masturbating him.

 

Initially, he refused any physical contact with either of us and refused to speak. If upset he would stand in the middle of the room staring at me fists clenched and face like thunder. This could continue for up to an hour. Also refused to eat anything but shrimp. A nightmare and very fustrating.

 

Patience and love was the order of the day. He was disciplined by removal of priveliges when he was naughty and overt praise and rewards for doing something right. After 3 months we had visibly turned a corner with him. Now, aged 7, he's a chatterbox and model son. He refuses to board the school bus unless he has hugged and kissed me and told me how much he loves me. For me, he's the gift that keeps on giving.

 

Showing anger towards him and insulting him would have made matters much worse.

 

You deprived him of his mother, what else did you expect? Love, understanding and patience was the order of the day but that required some basic parenting skills which you obviously lack.

 

Call me a troll if you like but I have raised 2 well rounded and successful children in the UK and am now heading in that direction with a third. I know the difference between good parenting and bad parenting.

 

 

Edited March 7, 2020 by DannyCarlton

[473geo]

Mother was not there when he needed hugs, now in his eyes he is a grown up and does not require hugs

However financial support will always be welcome

Give generously and don't seek appreciation

 

He may even try to show he is a better man than you, what more could you ask?

 

Oh yes.....that he is conforming to your wishes, does not allow his true feelings to get in the way of how you think life should be!!!