I just hung up the phone with my old pal Grouse Boozer in Shanghai after telling him my big news: that I got a vasectomy last month at a free clinic above a tourist restaurant in Bangkok. I could hear him wince over the line.

 

Actually, it wasn’t so bad.

 

For the longest time, I was absolutely petrified of The Snip, even though it seemed quite obviously like the easiest and most reliable method of birth control. (I enjoy condoms about as much as I enjoy foot massages with my shoes on.)

 

I found little comfort in knowing it’s a “minor surgery” that “requires only 20 minutes”—as though the brevity was meant to be somehow reassuring. Of course, lopping off my testicles with a sugar-cane machete would be faster still.

 

When I solicited price quotes from major hospitals in Bangkok and Pattaya, most wanted around 25,000 baht. Bumrungrad, in true Bumrungrad fashion, told me their cost “starts at 90,000 baht.” For that, I can only assume that two 19-year-old nurses will hold your hands throughout the procedure while whispering sweet nothings in your ears. Come to think of it, that still wouldn’t be worth it.

 

Then I remembered Mechai Viravaidya, a hero in Thailand for his pioneering work in family planning and AIDS awareness. His PDA clinic (Population and Community Development Association), located directly above the kitchen at Cabbages and Condoms restaurant in Sukhumvit, performs more vasectomies in Thailand than any other hospital—and they’re free. Or rather, they were free pre-COVID. Now they request a 5,000-baht donation, which is still a relative steal. Not to mention, it’s hard to overstate one’s comfort in knowing that his doctor does vasectomies all day, every day—that it’s all he does; a true specialist when specialty is of paramount importance.

 

For these reasons, it’s understandable that PDA has a long waiting list. I had to book my snip more than a month in advance. Yes, it was a bizarre line item to stare at on my calendar (“Adios, amigos!”) those several long weeks, but my conviction never wavered—even if my subconscious did continuously probe the event like a tongue trying to dislodge a popcorn hull that’s stuck between one’s teeth.

 

The night before my surgery, I woke up at 4am and couldn’t fall back asleep. It turns out you don’t rest very peacefully in the hours before your castration.

 

My wife and I arrived at the clinic at 8am, she paid the fee (my insistence), a nurse checked my blood, and then it was go time. I passed through a brown wooden door with a sign marked “Vasectomy Room” in English, and I swear I saw etched into the paneling above it in Thai: ทุกท่านที่ก้าวมาที่นี่จงละทิ้งความหวัง but I can’t be quite sure.

 

The “operating theater” bore all the design hallmarks of that vintage 1970s Thai aesthetic that reminds me so much of Eisenhower-era community centers in the United States. The nurse told me to drop my pants and climb onto the table, where she doused my midsection in antiseptic liquid.

 

Then the doctor entered the room. Now, he didn’t have the warmest bedside manner, mind you, but he had something I felt was even more important—a bit of swagger, like it was just another day at the office. His script only had one line: Do you understand this procedure is irreversible?

 

“Amen,” I said.

 

It’s difficult to imagine finding yourself in a more vulnerable position in life than lying sunny-side up on a surgeon’s table, under a bright lamp, with your pants and underwear around your knees—and blindfolded. The nurse offered that last part to help calm my nerves. Honestly, if I’d started having a seizure at that point waiting for the lidocaine jab, the difference would only have been one of the subtlest degree.

 

I couldn’t stop thinking about a buddy of mine in college who’d gotten the “placebo” during a painkiller trial when he had his wisdom teeth removed. Visions of him screaming in the dentist’s chair flashed in my mind.

 

And I recalled a eunuch graveyard I once visited outside Beijing. I couldn’t shake the haunting image of the lacquered round box on display in the cemetery’s museum. It was shaped like one of those bamboo baskets used to steam Chinese buns. Poor old Tian Yi Mu had carried that box with him throughout life like Marley dragged his chains.

 

But there was no turning back now!

 

When the doctor jabbed me with a syringe in the underside of my manhood, the sting barely registered, although I was quivering like a small dog trying to pass a ten-baht coin. My face blanched white and the nurse handed me a cotton ball dunked in ammonia, which I inhaled through my mask like a deeply addicted glue-sniffer in need of a jolt.

 

When the nausea passed, I decided to strike up small talk.

 

“Do you do a lot of these?” I asked the doctor, hesitantly.

 

“Ten thousand,” he replied.

 

“You’re 10,001,” the nurse deadpanned.

 

That felt like a lucky number, so I settled in for the rest of the ride. It lasted all of seven more minutes—and was completely painless. I can’t say I enjoyed it, but my thoughts did wander to more pleasant times, even as I watched the doctor use surgical suture to tie off my vas deferens in steady, well-rehearsed moves. It reminded me of the time I had a cute barber in Bangkok who held her scissors like an Olympic Ping-Pong player grips her paddle. She snipped and pruned and trimmed in these jaunty, quick little motions that might have seemed reckless but were in fact merely confident. I’ll never forget the sound of her scissors whispering like the floors in Japan’s Nijo Castle.

 

And then it was done. The nurse showed me the tiny bits that had been excised—they looked like small sections of bamee egg noodles—and I was told to pull up my pants and walk out of the room. On a scale of one to 10, the pain was a zero. Apart from the lingering mental anguish, the whole thing could have slipped past almost without notice. 

 

Then there’s the upside of the recovery instructions. It's like when you have your tonsils removed as a kid, and the doctor tells you to go home and eat all the ice cream you want. A vasectomy is the adult version of that: Go home and masturbate twenty-five times to flush all the remaining swimmers out of your pipes.

 

During my recuperation at home, which went smoothly, I wore a new Speedo swimsuit over my quick-dry boxer briefs to keep the boys firmly in place. I donned that little chastity belt twenty-four hours a day for just over a week.

 

If anyone’s keeping score at home, I fired my first shot five days after The Snip and have enjoyed a higher libido in the seven weeks post-op than I did before. My biggest pre-vasectomy fear was loss of sex drive or function. I was so paranoid that I kept an ejaculation journal for three months leading up to the surgery. I’m happy to report that I’m firing at an even steadier clip now than I was then. I’m feeling large and in charge—like a silverback gorilla.

 

I have nothing but positive things to say about PDA clinic and can’t imagine why anyone in Thailand would do their vasectomy elsewhere. The only drawback, I suppose, is that I’ll never be able to order bamee noodles again.

 

—Wm Henning, novelist (Paradise High), Bkk

Had a vasectomy, reversal and another vasectomy......no hassle.

 

Guy at work had a vasectomy around the same time....they eventually removed both testicles in the hope the chronic pain he was suffering would relent.

I tried to get one at the PDA but they wouldn't do it due to their rules....outdated I say. I got mine done at Pattaya Intl about 7 weeks ago, went similarly well, 11k baht, glad i went there in the end, more local plus I liked their attitude

I got one at the private wing of Ramathibodi (as I didn't qualify for the free one you got).

 

12,000 baht. All good.  6 years later, no probs.

I hope Sheryl considers pinning this.

Not all that it's cut out to be.  Severely impacted my ambitions to be a world class musician, professional footballer and astronaut. 

 

Good news is , I may be out of bullets but I can still aim the thing. 

Really useful post.  Thanks so much.  How does one go about getting on the waiting list?  Can you email PDA or do you need to call them?  The contact details would be very useful.

3 hours ago, Surelynot said:

Guy at work had a vasectomy around the same time....they eventually removed both testicles in the hope the chronic pain he was suffering would relent.

I had mine over 40 years ago, in Oz--really nothing to it then.

 

There was an old joke about the pain--: (I'll try to shorten it)

 

Guy was getting terrible migraines for years saw every specialist possible in that field. In the end they said to him, we are regally sorry but the only way you are going to relieve that pain is to remove your testicles. The guy was horrified and took him months, but the Migraines were so bad he agreed. After it was all done, he never had another Migraine, so he thought I deserve a holiday after all this,  and booked a cruise. The ship stop in Bangkok so he decided to have a wander. An Indian Tailor shouted to him as he walked along--would you like a suit or shirts sir we make it in one day. He thought why not treat myself, went in and the Indian started to write down sizes-- don't you want to at least measure me said the man??...Oh No Sir- No Sir I have been doing this since I was a little boy I can pick exact size just by looking. You are 33. 1/2 inch waist,  31 inside leg 39-3/4 inch chest. That's amazing said the man your spot on.  Would you like some shirts to go with it Sir for your 16-1/2 inch neck 27inch arms. Wow your right again--why not I'll take 3 .

Very good sir & we also do our own line of men's underwear would you like some 31 inch Y fronts.

At Last your wrong!! ...shouted the guy I am 29 inch always have been that same size.

 

Oh no sir- no sir --trust me Please , if you walked around in 29 inch you would get terrible headaches.

.

I'll get my coat...........????

I emailed PDA on 11 May, and followed this up a few weeks later, but have not had any reply.

 

Is this the right email: [email protected]

 

Is there a better way of contacting them?

13 minutes ago, brewsterbudgen said:

I emailed PDA on 11 May, and followed this up a few weeks later, but have not had any reply.

 

Is this the right email: [email protected]

 

Is there a better way of contacting them?

yeah call them 02 2294611 9am to 4pm

Vasectomy? Nothing to it. Snip, snip and Bob's your auntie!

Had my vasectomy many years ago,nothing to it at all.Had sex the same night.

Very happy to know that i can not be trapped anymore.One girl tried,

On 6/18/2021 at 4:48 PM, scubascuba3 said:

yeah call them 02 2294611 9am to 4pm

That worked well.  My wife called them and arranged an appointment for me for later this month.  No questions asked, once they knew my age.  The cost will be a 5,000 baht donation, as stated by the OP.

 

One question:  I'm booked in for my first Covid vaccination the day after my vasectomy.  Is there any reason why I shouldn't do the two procedures back-to-back?

2 minutes ago, brewsterbudgen said:

One question:  I'm booked in for my first Covid vaccination the day after my vasectomy.  Is there any reason why I shouldn't do the two procedures back-to-back?

As they both involve a small pricß I guess not..........JOKING!!!!

4 minutes ago, brewsterbudgen said:

That worked well.  My wife called them and arranged an appointment for me for later this month.  No questions asked, once they knew my age.  The cost will be a 5,000 baht donation, as stated by the OP.

 

One question:  I'm booked in for my first Covid vaccination the day after my vasectomy.  Is there any reason why I shouldn't do the two procedures back-to-back?

i can't see a reason but no harm your wife calling and asking them. Also they may want to see proof you have 2 kids, photos, birth certificates. They asked me for proof but I didn't take a wife along

I want this done ASAP so I can start enjoying life again 

 

Were any difficult questions asked before surgery?

1 hour ago, scubascuba3 said:

i can't see a reason but no harm your wife calling and asking them. Also they may want to see proof you have 2 kids, photos, birth certificates. They asked me for proof but I didn't take a wife along

Thanks. They told my wife I needed to take along my passport and my son's birth certificate. We only have 1 kid but once they knew I was nearly 61, they said it was OK.