Thai wife being bullied by family

[thefarangteacher]

1 minute ago, save the frogs said:

why does she think you will leave her?

 

prejudice based on perception that foreigners are not committed? past experience from a previous farang boyfriend? 

 

My wife doesn’t think that, her family and the village at large does. They have a very old-fashioned / ignorant impression that all “farang” are playboys and that I, being young, will screw around and find a hotter / younger Thai woman the first chance I get. It’s very gross. 

[BangkokReady]

1 hour ago, thefarangteacher said:

What bothers my wife is this standard, where the farang is expected to do significantly more financial heavy-lifting for the family due to a stereotype in the Thai culture about farangs having lots of money (I am not old and this stereotype does not apply to me).

I'd just like to offer a slightly different rational.  That some Thais dislike foreigners so much, that they believe that they should not be allowed to marry Thais, and, when they do, they should be made to contribute more in order to make up for the fact that they are not Thai.

 

The reason I suspect this is that it happens so often and to people who so clearly aren't rich.  And also it seems that some Thais strongly believe that Thai women should not be with foreigners and need another reason for it to be OK.

[BangkokReady]

1 hour ago, thefarangteacher said:

a stereotype in the Thai culture about farangs having lots of money (I am not old and this stereotype does not apply to me).

Did you manage to get married without paying out a huge sum?

[BangkokReady]

55 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

a relative that overshares on social media (eg this relative will post pictures of their bank account balance). 

That isn't over-sharing in Thailand.  Probably either bragging or begging, depending on the balance.

[BangkokReady]

53 minutes ago, Gecko123 said:

This comment, in particular, struck me as highly manipulative, not to mention, not particularly true to life. It's obviously manipulative because it uses social pressure to prod the OP into building a house to prove his commitment to the relationship.

I see it as being more racist than anything else.  They're saying he's a worthless foreigner who will leave her soon.

 

They obviously aren't happy about her marring him.

[BangkokReady]

52 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

It seems there are mostly two options:

a) she gets pressure, and she goes right away to you and gives you pressure.

b) she gets pressure, and she manages it herself without telling you, or maybe she tells you just sometimes.

 

I don't think there is option c in real life in Thailand.

I think "she stops talking to her family" might be a good one.

[save the frogs]

21 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

My wife doesn’t think that, her family and the village at large does. They have a very old-fashioned / ignorant impression that all “farang” are playboys and that I, being young, will screw around and find a hotter / younger Thai woman the first chance I get. It’s very gross. 

but my point is that their fears are based in some reality. not all, but many young farang are playboys. 

 

doesn't have to be buying a house. but do small gestures for extended family, whatever you can to show that you're not just using her and you're serious. 

 

accompany the grandmother to the clinic. it doesn't have to be about spending vast amounts of money. but you need to do sth to build their trust. 

Edited July 20, 2023 by save the frogs

[jak2002003]

Op why on earth doesn't  your wife have a job? 

 

Is she lazy and does not want to get a job? 

 

She must be very bored and not have much self worth if she is just a kept woman..

 

She does not even have children to care for. 

 

What's she doing all day when you are at work? 

 

 

I suspect she is just wanting you to build her a house..for her own reasons...and playing the old sob sorry of being bullied by her family so you feel sorry for her and cave in. 

 

 

 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

14 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

You’re absolutely right. However this is a case where she does want a solution. Hence why she suggested I ask other foreigners with Thai wives if and how they deal with this problem. 

 

I never had a big problem with this, but occasionally relatives and friends of my long-time gf needed money.

I did the following: I told her I am willing to help them. But obviously we all need money, so I want to limit how much I give. I also told her that when people borrow money then I expect to get it back.

So I asked her what she thinks about how much money we should make available for those people. She didn't ask for a huge amount. I think we settled on 20,000B.

I said something like: Ok, I will have a budget of 20k for those people in need. If the first one wants 5k, fine, the second person wants 15k, ok. And then, there is only money available when the first people pay it back- like they promised they would. Obviously, as expected, many didn't pay it back.

So now, if Noi asks for money, my gf can tell her: We gave Somchai and Nit 20,000B, and they promised to give it back last year. We are still waiting for that money. When they pay the money back like they promised then we are happy to help you.

 

That system worked for me - at least mostly. And it also worked for my gf. Because she knows I helped her family and friends. And she knows that they promised to pay it back but never did. First she thought the 20k budget should be more than enough. 5k here and 3k there, no problem. And it would have worked if the people would have paid the money back. Now she had herself the experience that the 20k is gone and probably will never be returned. She learned from that. And if anybody asks again, she can tell them about Somchai and Nit. Convince them to pay it back and they you can have it...

 

To be fair there are other situations. I.e. my gf's father was involved in an accident and the other guy, who caused the crash, didn't pay as much as he should. I helped her father. And it was a present. I don't expect to get it back. But situations like that don't happen often.

 

[Gecko123]

29 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

My wife doesn’t think that, her family and the village at large does. They have a very old-fashioned / ignorant impression that all “farang” are playboys and that I, being young, will screw around and find a hotter / younger Thai woman the first chance I get. It’s very gross. 

This is a mischaracterization of village attitudes towards foreign men who marry Thai women and move to their village. Their assessment of the viability and staying power of the relationship, which is usually pretty accurate, is based on a gut assessment of the couple's compatibility, whether they get along, can communicate comfortably, appear to function well as a couple.

 

The only things that would trigger suspicions you had a roving eye would be if you err... had a roving eye, had frequent unexplained absences, were rumored to be a frequent habitué of red light districts, or you weren't passing the compatibility "smell" test. You're not going to be labeled a playboy based on youthful age alone.

Edited July 20, 2023 by Gecko123

[NativeBob]

In our moo-ban (Bangkok) there's a family of retired thai gov. officer: house wife and single daughter married to farang. Quite young couple - I guess earlier 30s. Living with her parents - big house, why not?

Every time I meet the old man (or his wife) I almost feel the pain [and shame] that their well-educated daughter being boinked 'n'shmoinked every night next room in their own home sweet home.

PS: Yes, the clever chap is a teacher, who else?

However parents are trying to safe face and act decently. Probably somewhere in the jungles and rice farms parents are less "sophisticated" and more straightforward. 

[BangkokReady]

38 minutes ago, save the frogs said:

why does she think you will leave her?

 

prejudice based on perception that foreigners are not committed? past experience from a previous farang boyfriend? 

Racism.  She hates foreigners so says awful things about them.

[save the frogs]

4 minutes ago, BangkokReady said:

Racism.  She hates foreigners so says awful things about them.

no, it's not racism.

they are just erring on the side of caution.

if it was racism, they wouldnt want to let her date you.  

although their perceptions of foreigners may not be entirely accurate, but neither have they encountered many foreigners. 

 

Edited July 20, 2023 by save the frogs

[kennypowers]

Most Thai women are under this pressure from their parents/family. They are made to feel guilty and like they are never doing enough. When they fight their corner they are met with the usual antiquated thinking of "Respect and do as your parents say, without question". "Never speak badly to your parents". "As the daughter, it's your duty to take care of your parents". 

 

When married to a foreign national, there is no excuse, because she has greater access to funds. You don't matter, not one bit. Many here will say they have this wonderful relationship with their in-laws. In truth, this is because the money flows sufficiently or because they do a good job of pretending to care about him. But behind his back, unless he is providing lots, the family and neighbours are saying mean things. 

 

Even in wealthy families, though the issue of being poor isn't apparent, guilt and fear of losing family face and gossiping neighbours still plagues many women long after they've left the family home. 

 

You'll notice how happy your wife is when away from her family and out of contact. But when that phone rings, her mood will change. 

 

You will see similar patterns in Thai-Thai relationships too.

 

Thai people can of course be wonderful in many ways, and there are always exceptions to the general rule. However, the level of emotional maturity in Thai society is arguably its worst trait. I haven't met a foreign national who has been here at least a few years who disagrees with that. 

[Hummin]

Two things comes to mind for those who is in the beginning in a relationship, or those who will be in future relationships:

 

Make sure you know her family, and what they expect from you! Quite easy, sit down and ask the mother first visit what they expect, and most likely you will know by then. Also how your gf treat you when meeting her friends and relatives, if you are going to be taken for a ride where they expect you to pay everything. 

 

First time I met her brother and family, they paid the dinner, and I saw that as a good sign and after soon 8 years knowing her, I have not been taken for a ride once, and never heard any complains.

 

The neighbours try fishing with the parents, telling how much other girls and parents gets, and I have seen it, not only foreigners being taken for a ride. It is just pure custom in some families. 

 

But some few foreigners have come and gone by the time I have known her, and left millions in houses, cars, motorbikes, restoring houses, building houses, maintenence, sin sod, gold, and animals. So, know her family before making commitments. Be smart

[Bangkok Barry]

They are jealous of her, simple as that. Make your wife understand that, and tell her to ignore their comments. Tell her she has won and they've lost!

[RichardColeman]

I live in Pattaya with my Thai wife, her family is from Nan and they all still live there, that's probably 800 KM by road.

 

We do not have any issues with family - probably due to that same 800 KM !

[thefarangteacher]

29 minutes ago, kennypowers said:

Most Thai women are under this pressure from their parents/family. They are made to feel guilty and like they are never doing enough. When they fight their corner they are met with the usual antiquated thinking of "Respect and do as your parents say, without question". "Never speak badly to your parents". "As the daughter, it's your duty to take care of your parents". 

 

When married to a foreign national, there is no excuse, because she has greater access to funds. You don't matter, not one bit. Many here will say they have this wonderful relationship with their in-laws. In truth, this is because the money flows sufficiently or because they do a good job of pretending to care about him. But behind his back, unless he is providing lots, the family and neighbours are saying mean things. 

 

Even in wealthy families, though the issue of being poor isn't apparent, guilt and fear of losing family face and gossiping neighbours still plagues many women long after they've left the family home. 

 

You'll notice how happy your wife is when away from her family and out of contact. But when that phone rings, her mood will change. 

 

You will see similar patterns in Thai-Thai relationships too.

 

Thai people can of course be wonderful in many ways, and there are always exceptions to the general rule. However, the level of emotional maturity in Thai society is arguably its worst trait. I haven't met a foreign national who has been here at least a few years who disagrees with that. 

Thank you for this comment, it really helped my wife feel a bit better. Do you have any suggestions / ideas for how she should go about dealing with her family going forward? I ask because it really does bring her down when these issues crop up. 

[billd766]

2 hours ago, worgeordie said:

They want ,what you have got , seems to be the way things work here,

it's difficult for Thai wives ,they get a lot of pressure from families to

support them ,or lend them (it's always a gift) money ,

 

Get her off social media , have nothing to do with them ,it will not

be easy for her , but for the good of your marriage something you

both must do ,  good luck

 

regards Worgeordie 

IMHO you must support your wife even at the expense of her family.

 

Perhaps it might be an idea to gather all of her family together, along with your wife and a good lawyer of your choice, and produce a will cutting her entire family away and leaving them to survive on their own as they did before you came along.

 

[Hanaguma]

15 minutes ago, RichardColeman said:

I live in Pattaya with my Thai wife, her family is from Nan and they all still live there, that's probably 800 KM by road.

 

We do not have any issues with family - probably due to that same 800 KM !

This is a very good answer.

 

In the Phils, I have heard of the "Three Island Rule" as the key to a happy marriage. You and your wife live on one island, there is another island in the middle, and your wife's family live on a third island.  Far enough away that they cannot show up spontaneously and cause trouble.  Perhaps in Thailand the "Three Province Rule"? 

[spidermike007]

2 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

But when you grow up in Thailand and learn to respect your parents and elders for many many years, then it's not so easy to change that behavior.

True. And that is where a foreign husband can be a positive influence. Having respect for ones folks is good. Bowing down to their every wish and command is not healthy. My gal is very respectful, and her folks deserve that. They are fine people. But, she does toe the line. There are definite limits. 

Edited July 20, 2023 by spidermike007

[Rhys]

Use the Passive aggressive approach they are using on you... Just leave .. all the best.. such BS

[billd766]

24 minutes ago, Rhys said:

Use the Passive aggressive approach they are using on you... Just leave .. all the best.. such BS

That would just prove that the family and the village were right.

 

Staying and fighting is much harder but much more worthwhile.

[Muzzique]

Every family is different. My wife's have never asked for money. If they pressured her to pressure me I said no. Mainly because it´s a money pit.

 

The way we solved it is my wife took a job and I continued to pay for everything as before. She keeps her money and sends some to her family, she put some on one side to buy a house in Thailand too. There is no impact on me and she kept the family happy.

 

You should expect this pressure from her family and buying a house seems to be a part of it.  So try to work out a plan that works for you both. 

 

One where you are not out of pocket and her family are happy.

[Hummin]

2 minutes ago, Muzzique said:

Every family is different. My wife's have never asked for money. If they pressured her to pressure me I said no. Mainly because it´s a money pit.

 

The way we solved it is my wife took a job and I continued to pay for everything as before. She keeps her money and sends some to her family, she put some on one side to buy a house in Thailand too. There is no impact on me and she kept the family happy.

 

You should expect this pressure from her family and buying a house seems to be a part of it.  So try to work out a plan that works for you both. 

 

One where you are not out of pocket and her family are happy.

Indeed, her family have been great help to us, and gives us alot of freedom and are paid normal wages for the work they do for us. So as you say, every family is as different as every expat in here. Som is stupid kind, and in other end, stupid selvfish and cheap, and I guess most is more or less in the middle who give when it is necessery, or when they feel good about it. 

 

We always give some during holidays and special occations, or we have been travelling alot, and they have been stuck at our farm for months without help.

 

My wife brother also gives occationally, so it is not only one way. 

[bignok]

2 hours ago, RichardColeman said:

I live in Pattaya with my Thai wife, her family is from Nan and they all still live there, that's probably 800 KM by road.

 

We do not have any issues with family - probably due to that same 800 KM !

Exactly.

[foreverlomsak]

4 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

the social media comment came from a relative that overshares on social media (eg this relative will post pictures of their bank account balance). 

Easy open a new account with a slightly lower balance and post it as a reply with the comment of "this is my account, want to give me a loan"

[Toolong]

Once went through period long ago, just after marrying my Thai wife, when I experienced circumstances very, very similar to your own (& your wife's) current 'predicament', shall we say.

 

30 years on and having gone through it and dealing with it in the way I did, and my wife did (I hesitate to say 'we did', as we had compatible views on it on the whole, but with critical differences of cultural background, etc).

 

Anyway....long story short : only advice I feel is worth saying without risk of influencing you towards a potentially negative outcome is that it helped me (& thus us) greatly to maintain a calm, non-confrontational resolve to resist all pressure to start being the foreign benefactor of deep pockets (they were NOT deep....still not????). 

 

Here's a thing though.......did you, when you married, pay any kind of dowry?

 

I did NOT.

 

So my rascally but likeable Thai father-in-law (now deceased) asked to 'borrow' 30k (a lot in 1991). I figured ok.....he'll pay it back. ???? Of course, he didn't. Me no happy, long time......until eventually realised, with some amused respect & appreciation, that the old canny devil had got his dowry alright. 

 

From that point on, began an eventual,  considerable liking for each other. 

 

Don't despair. You can get through it. ????

[thefarangteacher]

38 minutes ago, Toolong said:

Once went through period long ago, just after marrying my Thai wife, when I experienced circumstances very, very similar to your own (& your wife's) current 'predicament', shall we say.

 

30 years on and having gone through it and dealing with it in the way I did, and my wife did (I hesitate to say 'we did', as we had compatible views on it on the whole, but with critical differences of cultural background, etc).

 

Anyway....long story short : only advice I feel is worth saying without risk of influencing you towards a potentially negative outcome is that it helped me (& thus us) greatly to maintain a calm, non-confrontational resolve to resist all pressure to start being the foreign benefactor of deep pockets (they were NOT deep....still not????). 

 

Here's a thing though.......did you, when you married, pay any kind of dowry?

 

I did NOT.

 

So my rascally but likeable Thai father-in-law (now deceased) asked to 'borrow' 30k (a lot in 1991). I figured ok.....he'll pay it back. ???? Of course, he didn't. Me no happy, long time......until eventually realised, with some amused respect & appreciation, that the old canny devil had got his dowry alright. 

 

From that point on, began an eventual,  considerable liking for each other. 

 

Don't despair. You can get through it. ????

I did not pay a dowry either; I refused on principle. I also have not given any money to the family (I think I mentioned it in a previous comment but my wife keeps most of these money requests from me, though each one she has shared with me I have declined). My wife, however, has given money to her family. A lot of it. And what makes me mad is all of that money she has given already counts for nothing; the only thing that matters now is that she is not giving anything anymore. That tells me that no matter how much money I might give to the family, it won’t matter in the slightest the first time I say no. So why not start by saying no? 

[JeffersLos]

Leave the wife and find a mute that was orphaned. Perfect.