Thai wife being bullied by family

[Hummin]

59 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

I did not pay a dowry either; I refused on principle. I also have not given any money to the family (I think I mentioned it in a previous comment but my wife keeps most of these money requests from me, though each one she has shared with me I have declined). My wife, however, has given money to her family. A lot of it. And what makes me mad is all of that money she has given already counts for nothing; the only thing that matters now is that she is not giving anything anymore. That tells me that no matter how much money I might give to the family, it won’t matter in the slightest the first time I say no. So why not start by saying no? 

How is her family situation? Economicle, and any siblings? 

 

and do your wife work? Do she pay any of the living costs or is it all up to you? 

[rattlesnake]

6 hours ago, save the frogs said:

but my point is that their fears are based in some reality. not all, but many young farang are playboys. 

 

doesn't have to be buying a house. but do small gestures for extended family, whatever you can to show that you're not just using her and you're serious. 

 

accompany the grandmother to the clinic. it doesn't have to be about spending vast amounts of money. but you need to do sth to build their trust. 

Definitely. Trust and respect. And it also means you can liaise directly with them instead of relying on your wife/gf. A few months ago, I heard my wife arguing with her brother because he was trying to borrow money. I sent him a message on LINE (in Thai: I get by in spoken Thai but have limited writing proficiency so I use Google Translate, speak in the microphone and it will write it for you) telling him to give it a break. Problem solved instantly.

[GrengJai]

I would say to your wife she is able to give whatever she wants from the money you give her, to her family, it is hers to do as she wishes.

 

I am also married to a Thai and have over the years helped out when I can and have been happy to do so.  I've never felt that I have been pressured or taken advantage of.  I would say that you have an equal responsibility to help out in times of need as her other siblings are.  And if they are giving say 1000 baht a month to their parents then you and your wife may want match it.  Extended family are not her or your responsibility and should be shut down and ignored.

 

Why doesn't your wife get a job and then she could give some of this to her family as well.  She must be a bit bored all day not working and it'll keep her occupied and less time to think about what people are saying on social media.

 

 

[bunnydrops]

9 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

We are both mid-30s. I work for an international school. I make enough money that my wife doesn’t have to work, and I give her a part of my salary every month. My wife had a rough childhood: both of her parents were absent for the entirety of it and she grew up with her grandma and grandpa. It is grandma that wants money, and the social media comment came from a relative that overshares on social media (eg this relative will post pictures of their bank account balance). 

That is a rough one. I am not rich but I help with family when I can. I am paying for one of her sister's twin girls university  room at the moment, a fan room. I offered to pay for an Air room but the family declined the offer. Once a woman all decked out in her finest, told my wife that, in Thai, that she should have waited to find a rich farang to support the whole family while I was standing there.

 

A friend of mine got divorced from his Thai wife, the very next month her parents came to his door wanting their monthly payment.

[bunnydrops]

8 hours ago, NativeBob said:

In our moo-ban (Bangkok) there's a family of retired thai gov. officer: house wife and single daughter married to farang. Quite young couple - I guess earlier 30s. Living with her parents - big house, why not?

Every time I meet the old man (or his wife) I almost feel the pain [and shame] that their well-educated daughter being boinked 'n'shmoinked every night next room in their own home sweet home.

PS: Yes, the clever chap is a teacher, who else?

However parents are trying to safe face and act decently. Probably somewhere in the jungles and rice farms parents are less "sophisticated" and more straightforward. 

Reminds me of a guy I met before I met my wife. He wanted to fix me up with his wife's sister. His wife's family was very rich and he was living on his wife's parents' land. There was a lot of tension in the family because he liked to go out drinking with the hired house help and the locals would see this. It just wasn't the image they wanted for a son in law.

[Lacessit]

11 hours ago, Celsius said:

But equally stupid to marry a peasant.

Bigotry and snobbery are alive and well.

[Toolong]

10 hours ago, thefarangteacher said:

I did not pay a dowry either; I refused on principle. I also have not given any money to the family (I think I mentioned it in a previous comment but my wife keeps most of these money requests from me, though each one she has shared with me I have declined). My wife, however, has given money to her family. A lot of it. And what makes me mad is all of that money she has given already counts for nothing; the only thing that matters now is that she is not giving anything anymore. That tells me that no matter how much money I might give to the family, it won’t matter in the slightest the first time I say no. So why not start by saying no? 

Agreed. As I said, your situation is one I recognize quite well, and your stance on the matter is one I too adopted and think is most sensible. And it did turn out to be so.

[RandolphGB]

Do you support (pay) your wife?

 

The family is just an extension of them, so you'll have to help to take care of her parents, too.

 

Either accept that its part of the Thai culture, however crass it may be, and pay up... or change your partner.

[Kalorymetr]

Hey,

You probably know, when you marry a Thai you marry the family. I choose my partners based on their family too because of that! Must be educated and somewhat normal for me.

 

 

[Expat68]

This is quite normal. Down to your wife how strong she is. My wife is unfortunately not

[bkksteve123]

Sounds like you and your wife are in agreement: no free money for relatives. Which is great! So what's the problem?

[J Branche]

Yep,  Thais believe foreigners are walking ATM's.  I have loaned a family military officer money that I thought I would never see again.  Months past repayment deadline I gave him one month before I went to the base to talk with his CO.  Debt was repaid.  

 

Another paid back 15%.  I told them they are a fool that I am going to be with her a long time and they will never see a baht from me again.  Another payment was made after a couple weeks.

 

I am going to tell them I can always take her to the US.  Good Luck with any money then.   I would rather teach them how to fish instead of keep buying fish.  I keep hearing the house thing and buy lottery tickets, if she wins lottery she can build house.      

 

I will tell them if they are not happy with the situation then they need to do what I did.  Work hard, save, invest, compound the money, and continue to live below your income.

[scottiejohn]

3 minutes ago, J Branche said:

I have loaned a family military officer money that I thought I would never see again.  Months past repayment deadline I gave him one month before I went to the base to talk with his CO.  Debt was repaid.  

It is a good job you did not have to carry out your threat as if you had I doubt you would still be alive to make the post about it!

[tmd5855]

On 7/20/2023 at 4:22 PM, Celsius said:

But equally stupid to marry a peasant.

You are not in the health care business with a bedside manner like that??

[kwak250]

On 7/20/2023 at 3:44 PM, BritManToo said:

No advice for your wife, but you might like to stop using Thai racial slurs.

The first time you said 'farang' in my presence would be the last time I spoke with you.

Touchy Farang hey?

[theoldgit]

Insulting troll post has been reported and removed.

[Stuart dunsmore]

On 7/20/2023 at 3:26 PM, bignok said:

Tell her to stop talking to these morons. Move far away from them.

 

 

100%. Move away. Block all the social media <deleted>, and enjoy your time together. 

[hotchilli]

On 7/20/2023 at 3:21 PM, thefarangteacher said:

She feels she is at a breaking point and doesn’t know what to do. Any farang husbands or Thai wives have advice for my wife? Tl;dr Thai wife is having unfair expectations out on her by her family due to stereotypes in Thai culture

Distance herself from the family... 

[Gecko123]

After giving this some additional thought....

 

the wife having been raised by grandparents is a somewhat special circumstance vis-a-vis their expectations regarding sin sod. If the grandparents really did step in and raise the wife on behalf of her real parents (for whatever reason), and they invested a lot in their grand daughter's welfare (nutrition, education, moral training, etc.), they may genuinely feel like they got stiffed on the sin sod, especially if that sacrifice impaired their ability to set money aside for their retirement.

 

Some of the other family members may also feel that they indirectly sacrificed on behalf of the wife because the grand parent's resources were monopolized by the the wife.

 

Also, being older, the grandparent's might be more 'old school' regarding sin sod expectations than today's generations.

 

The possibility that not paying any sin sod may be the root of these tensions may benefit from review.

 

[wwest5829]

“Knock on wood” I am aware of this, in general, in Thailand but have not been subjected to dealing with this. Ha! When I first came I was sure the answer was to find a sterile orphan. Fortunately, my Wife’s family is economically secure, and live at least 10 hours from us. My Wife has made it quite clear that while she and her Daughter have a secure life, we are not wealthy. I have never been approached to supplement anyone else’s finances.

[xtrnuno41]

Very recently. A Thai woman, friend of my Thai wife, had enough of her mother and sister.

She did lots of things for them longtime and they were always complaining and asking more for her to do.

She, with her daughter left her beautiful house and moved away, not letting anybody know. Not even my wife knew at first. So states how the situation is.

The mother and sister of course then tried contacting her by phone, but she ignores.

So then they started contacting my wife, as she is her friend. Probably just had luck to do so in Line. My wife got messages in it.

I told my wife, she should not get into that and leave it, as major point is, the woman IS her friend for long time and she should support her and not get into demands and whining from the friends family.

She never had contact with the sister and mother, but they are probably "desperate" now.

They want to know where she is and when to come back for help.

She made it clear, NOT. Moved away, hide where she is now, ignoring phone calls.

 

Families and friends, what is going on in their heads? It can be hidden for long time and your are stunned when it gets out at some point.

[Red Forever]

On 7/20/2023 at 4:49 PM, NextG said:

I actually agree with this. None of my friends would allow such a word to fall off their tongue. 
Sadly, it reflects on the kind of people whom with many here associate. I cringe when I hear it. 

Stop being so precious. The word by which you're so offended is a corruption of "Franceman" coming from the locals description of the Frenchmen who occupied much the territory surrounding Siam. This area was called French Indo China.

[AustinRacing]

Marrying a farang usually results in wealth being brought into the family of the wife. This is what her parents were hoping for. You’ve disappointed them. They’ll look down on you forever. Because one of their neighbors married a farang and built a house in the village for them and sends them money. You don’t so you’re a failure as a far as they’re concerned. Watch your back carefully. They might encourage her to dump you for a “better” farang. 

[Gecko123]

28 minutes ago, Red Forever said:

Stop being so precious. The word by which you're so offended is a corruption of "Franceman" coming from the locals description of the Frenchmen who occupied much the territory surrounding Siam. This area was called French Indo China.

And more importantly, regardless of the etymologic origin if the word farang, it is commonly used as a colloquial shorthand for Westerners, irrespective of their racial background.

 

The ignorant and vile claim that this word is a racial slur has been tirelessly propagated by a tiny handful of forum members, and it is without question the single most damaging piece of cultural misinformation spread on this forum.

[kennypowers]

On 7/20/2023 at 12:13 PM, thefarangteacher said:

Thank you for this comment, it really helped my wife feel a bit better. Do you have any suggestions / ideas for how she should go about dealing with her family going forward? I ask because it really does bring her down when these issues crop up. 

Standing up for herself and keeping a distance when necessary is the only solution. She should stand up for herself, politely, and tell them that she is a grown woman with her own family now. She has to make it clear that while she will help out where possible, it may not always be possible, be that emotionally or financially, because she has her own life and a future to build with her family. She should also make it clear that passive aggressive comments and gossiping makes her resentful and not want to be around them. With all due respect, treat them like children. If they misbehave, put them on time out by distancing yourselves and ignoring them. They will soon come running acting graciously again. And lastly, don't get dragged into arguments. Treat any shouting, name calling, sarcasm, etc., with silence. Rise above it. Don't get dragged down to their level. Best of luck!

[kingstonkid]

On 7/20/2023 at 3:44 PM, BritManToo said:

No advice for your wife, but you might like to stop using Thai racial slurs.

The first time you said 'farang' in my presence would be the last time I spoke with you.

I find that words are just that.  I had many francophone friends in the military. None got confused or upset if I called them frogs.  However using it in a sentence with derogatory meaning was a different setting.

 

Personally Ich bin Farang.  I have no problem with being referred as that.

[Cake Monster]

As the pressure for Money increases, so does the peer pressure

Just stonewall the wasters

[zyphodb]

On 7/20/2023 at 6:20 PM, billd766 said:

IMHO you must support your wife even at the expense of her family.

 

Perhaps it might be an idea to gather all of her family together, along with your wife and a good lawyer of your choice, and produce a will cutting her entire family away and leaving them to survive on their own as they did before you came along.

 

How to win friends and influence people, Part 1...

[kingstonkid]

On 7/20/2023 at 3:21 PM, thefarangteacher said:

I am a farang married to a Thai. Throughout our several years of marriage, her family has made passive-aggressive comments about her marriage (“make sure you get the farang to build a house for you before he leaves you”) and has asked me for money through her (which I have always declined to give). Today a relative made a snarky comment about my wife on social media, about how some family members refuse to help out and are deserving of shame, etc. What bothers my wife is this standard, where the farang is expected to do significantly more financial heavy-lifting for the family due to a stereotype in the Thai culture about farangs having lots of money (I am not old and this stereotype does not apply to me). It is also apparent to her that this standard is not applied to the rest of the Thai husbands in the extended family. She feels she is at a breaking point and doesn’t know what to do. Any farang husbands or Thai wives have advice for my wife? Tl;dr Thai wife is having unfair expectations out on her by her family due to stereotypes in Thai culture.

First gf family tried it found out quickly through grandma notnot to try. 

 

Current gf keeps me separate from family she hasn't even told them she has a house that she bought

As far as they are concerned her son knows but that is it.

I have helped a couple of times but she tells them lazada is going good.

 

The best thing is to move away and limit line access to a sensible member of family 

 

Besides that block

 

 

 

[mushroomdave]

If it were me, I would just tell her to NEVER speak another word of her family again to me and I would never visit any of them EVER again.....she is quite welcome to visit them but no more idiot road trips for me.   

 

I say this as it worked for a buddy of mine for almost the same reason......and it worked LOL!!!!