The Subtle Shift from Boyfriend to ‘Useful Assistant’ in Thailand

[chickenslegs]

On 11/6/2024 at 10:10 AM, Gsxrnz said:

The OP successfully described my two western women marriages.  It's universal. You become the doormat. So, much like the Pink Panther, you exit stage left. 

That was Snagglepuss catchphrase. The Pink Panther didn't speak. Yes, I am that old - and that pedantic!

[Prubangboy]

I have to get better at spotting AI dross and not responding to it.

 

Problem: A lot of English posters here sound like AI in real life.

[Gsxrnz]

9 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

That was Snagglepuss catchphrase. The Pink Panther didn't speak. Yes, I am that old - and that pedantic!

 

Well spotted, my apologies for mixing my metaphors. Okay, not exactly a metaphor, but you get the picture.

 

And in my book, pedanticism is a virtue, not a curse.

[1FinickyOne]

On 11/6/2024 at 7:28 AM, spidermike007 said:

someone who makes each and every day a better day for us. And visa versa.

So, a robot w/no wants, hopes, dreams, not even a mood that can shift... no family, not even a hint of a problem? 

[TheFishman1]

It sounds like you went from romantic guy to being the fixer one who can fix everything that’s up to you in my relationships I found that when they wanted me to always take through all of the fixer I usually knew it was around time for me to start looking elsewhere TIT

[soalbundy]

On 11/6/2024 at 7:10 AM, 123Stodg said:

After spending decades here in Thailand, I’ve had my share of long-term relationships with Thai women. Some worked in the nightlife scene; others had more conventional jobs. But in all cases, there was never any money involved. None of these relationships were a sex-for-money exchange. They grew from connection, curiosity, and a genuine desire to be with each other. And for a while, it was just that—simple, fun, even a bit idyllic. I moved in with some, stayed separate from others, but each felt like a real partnership.

 

Yet over time, something subtle, almost unspoken, would shift. What began as a classic love story somehow evolved into something… well, different. One day you’re the boyfriend, sharing laughs and the occasional cultural misstep, and the next, you feel like a mix of partner, assistant, and on-call problem-solver—kind of like a boyfriend service. The funny thing was, nothing was ever asked of me directly. It was as if I’d been drafted into a new role without warning, a subtle shift I couldn’t pinpoint until I was already in too deep.

 

In the beginning, I chalked it up to the honeymoon period ending—that natural point where real life seeps in, and the glow of new romance takes on a different light. But it became something I noticed time and time again. It was as if each relationship, regardless of her background, went through the same phases, with the same unspoken expectations rising to the surface.

 

Don’t get me wrong; I never minded helping out—it often gave me satisfaction to help with the day-to-day things that were tough for them. And sure, it’s natural for any relationship to have moments of give-and-take, a balance that ebbs and flows. But somewhere along the line, that balance tipped, and suddenly I found myself playing a role I hadn’t realized I’d signed up for. It went beyond simple favors. It became expected that I’d be the reliable one, the steady fixture for life’s little demands. Over time, I began to feel less like a partner and more like a fixture in the background, always expected to be ready to step in when needed.

 

What was surprising was how natural this shift felt—like it wasn’t questioned on either side. I never saw it as manipulation or something done consciously. Like something you just do for someone else when you care about their well being. It was more as if a script was unfolding that neither of us had written but both knew by heart. And I suppose I went along with it, partly out of affection, partly because it just seemed to happen so quietly. The strange part? It didn’t feel unfair, just… strangely inevitable.

 

I’ve asked myself whether I’m somehow inviting this role, unintentionally giving off the vibe of someone who’s willing to take on those responsibilities. Maybe there’s some truth to that. Maybe, in the early days of dating, I’d unconsciously offer to help out a little more than necessary, thinking I was just being polite, caring and nice and crossing one of those cultural bridges. Or maybe it’s that in Thailand, with its unique balance of independence and family ties, stepping in for each other is just part of the dynamic.

 

What strikes me now, looking back, is how universal this experience became across all the different relationships. All five of the relationships lasted at least five years each. And it didn’t matter if she’d come from a small rural town or had a Bangkok upbringing. It was like, once the honeymoon phase faded and things started becoming more comfortable, I became someone functional above and beyond being the romantic partner. I went from being the spontaneous boyfriend to the one you turn to for life’s little logistical issues, the one who helps smooth over the everyday hiccups.

 

I guess, on some level, I thought this shift would happen in any long-term relationship, regardless of country or culture. But something about it here, in this setting, in Thailand, feels a bit more amplified. Maybe it’s the unspoken expectations or the social dynamics that add weight to the role. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s just one of those cross-cultural quirks—where what one person sees as practical, another sees as a kind of slow encroachment. Or maybe it’s simply part of the way things flow in a relationship where two worlds meet, not always understanding each other but somehow finding a rhythm. Does it perhaps gravitate back towards the concept that men are always supposed to be the providers and protectors in some way?

 

So, I’m left with this strange feeling of being on both sides—grateful to be trusted, but wary of becoming a bit too indispensable. I can’t help but wonder if others have felt this too: the slow shift from lover to something else, not unwanted but undeniably different than just being a boyfriend in the conventional sense. Has anyone else found themselves in this in-between? Not exactly a life assistant, but not quite just a boyfriend either? And does that change the way you see the relationship with a Thai woman, knowing that while you’re still “together,” it’s taken on a flavor that’s, well, part romantic, part everyday care giver?

Completely normal the world over.

[spidermike007]

1 hour ago, 1FinickyOne said:

So, a robot w/no wants, hopes, dreams, not even a mood that can shift... no family, not even a hint of a problem? 

Only a man who has never been able to find an exceptional woman would utter such drivel. Yikes. My heart goes out to you. 

[ChrisP24]

Good, reflective original post.

 

I read something long ago about marriage that stuck with me, and that was after the initial romantic love wears off or at least matures, marriage is in its essence an economic, social and reproductive partnership.

 

Although it has been many years since I've had a girlfriend (I'm open to it but my wife won't let me, which creates a considerable logistical obstacle), it occurs to me that perhaps having a longterm girlfriend naturally matures into something similar, part of which is a logistical partnership.  There are hopefully other aspects too such as emotional support and intimacy.

 

Figuring out what the purpose/benefit of the relationship is to both parties is probably the key to keeping it balanced.  Both people might not want entirely the same things, but being willing to meet the other person's needs in exchange for getting your needs met seems healthy enough.

 

To OP, can I ask, how did the five relationships end, who ended them, and is there any commonality to how and why they ended? 

[fredwiggy]

On 11/6/2024 at 11:42 AM, Oliver Holzerfilled said:

Nine paragraphs for fuc*ks sake.  Strong beta energy.

And something which any caring man would understand. Betas are the ones a woman need, as they're the caregivers who have empathy and take care of their families. The alphas we can do without, most being narcissistic and not caring for anything besides their own pleasure.

 

Many if not most women like a man that resembles their dads, especially if he was a good dad. he was their role model and first protector, her going to him whenever she needed comfort. A lot of woman, especially here where  many locals run away after sex, look for someone they're not just attracted to but who will be there for her. Sometimes the attraction goes away a little, leaving the comfort he has brought, but she might still be attracted but not as excited as before, as all relationships do this, attraction giving way to a comfortable feeling.

 

They like having you around because the trust has been established over time, and they don't want to let you go for fear of the dark unknown, which usually happens when a woman leaves a good man. The next is usually not so good or downright evil. Most relationships end, with the ones lasting being either transactional, where the woman is satisfied with giving as long as she's taken car of and not abused, or ones where a strong bond means more than daily sex but companionship that is the most important thing you can end up with.

[Grusa]

On 11/6/2024 at 7:10 AM, 123Stodg said:

After spending decades here in Thailand, I’ve had my share of long-term relationships with Thai women. Some worked in the nightlife scene; others had more conventional jobs. But in all cases, there was never any money involved. None of these relationships were a sex-for-money exchange. They grew from connection, curiosity, and a genuine desire to be with each other. And for a while, it was just that—simple, fun, even a bit idyllic. I moved in with some, stayed separate from others, but each felt like a real partnership.

 

Yet over time, something subtle, almost unspoken, would shift. What began as a classic love story somehow evolved into something… well, different. One day you’re the boyfriend, sharing laughs and the occasional cultural misstep, and the next, you feel like a mix of partner, assistant, and on-call problem-solver—kind of like a boyfriend service. The funny thing was, nothing was ever asked of me directly. It was as if I’d been drafted into a new role without warning, a subtle shift I couldn’t pinpoint until I was already in too deep.

 

In the beginning, I chalked it up to the honeymoon period ending—that natural point where real life seeps in, and the glow of new romance takes on a different light. But it became something I noticed time and time again. It was as if each relationship, regardless of her background, went through the same phases, with the same unspoken expectations rising to the surface.

 

Don’t get me wrong; I never minded helping out—it often gave me satisfaction to help with the day-to-day things that were tough for them. And sure, it’s natural for any relationship to have moments of give-and-take, a balance that ebbs and flows. But somewhere along the line, that balance tipped, and suddenly I found myself playing a role I hadn’t realized I’d signed up for. It went beyond simple favors. It became expected that I’d be the reliable one, the steady fixture for life’s little demands. Over time, I began to feel less like a partner and more like a fixture in the background, always expected to be ready to step in when needed.

 

What was surprising was how natural this shift felt—like it wasn’t questioned on either side. I never saw it as manipulation or something done consciously. Like something you just do for someone else when you care about their well being. It was more as if a script was unfolding that neither of us had written but both knew by heart. And I suppose I went along with it, partly out of affection, partly because it just seemed to happen so quietly. The strange part? It didn’t feel unfair, just… strangely inevitable.

 

I’ve asked myself whether I’m somehow inviting this role, unintentionally giving off the vibe of someone who’s willing to take on those responsibilities. Maybe there’s some truth to that. Maybe, in the early days of dating, I’d unconsciously offer to help out a little more than necessary, thinking I was just being polite, caring and nice and crossing one of those cultural bridges. Or maybe it’s that in Thailand, with its unique balance of independence and family ties, stepping in for each other is just part of the dynamic.

 

What strikes me now, looking back, is how universal this experience became across all the different relationships. All five of the relationships lasted at least five years each. And it didn’t matter if she’d come from a small rural town or had a Bangkok upbringing. It was like, once the honeymoon phase faded and things started becoming more comfortable, I became someone functional above and beyond being the romantic partner. I went from being the spontaneous boyfriend to the one you turn to for life’s little logistical issues, the one who helps smooth over the everyday hiccups.

 

I guess, on some level, I thought this shift would happen in any long-term relationship, regardless of country or culture. But something about it here, in this setting, in Thailand, feels a bit more amplified. Maybe it’s the unspoken expectations or the social dynamics that add weight to the role. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s just one of those cross-cultural quirks—where what one person sees as practical, another sees as a kind of slow encroachment. Or maybe it’s simply part of the way things flow in a relationship where two worlds meet, not always understanding each other but somehow finding a rhythm. Does it perhaps gravitate back towards the concept that men are always supposed to be the providers and protectors in some way?

 

So, I’m left with this strange feeling of being on both sides—grateful to be trusted, but wary of becoming a bit too indispensable. I can’t help but wonder if others have felt this too: the slow shift from lover to something else, not unwanted but undeniably different than just being a boyfriend in the conventional sense. Has anyone else found themselves in this in-between? Not exactly a life assistant, but not quite just a boyfriend either? And does that change the way you see the relationship with a Thai woman, knowing that while you’re still “together,” it’s taken on a flavor that’s, well, part romantic, part everyday care giver?

Yawn!!!🥱

[norsurin]

Thats why i choose to be single.I been married to a thailady before for 11 years.We divorced 7 year ago.2 lovely kids together.I brought my exwife and our kids to my country 18 years ago.After we divorced i had 3 other gf in Thailand.When they started getting jealous and childish i just said goodbye.I get sick and tired.

Now i enjoy my freedom and i only have some girls staying over the nigth and next morning send them home.

I dont give my number but sometimes they coming back and knock my door.We migth take some drinks together but i allways tell them the truth.I dont want a new gf and they understand me.I have some friends i know for about 15 years..we meet sometimes and eating and drinking together.Money never involved.Sometimes i pay and sometimes they pay Then i mean at my place or at their place.I speak thai well and that open some doors and closes other doors.My real friends r genuine people who i can trust.Get msg from them on a daily basis.. wishing me a nice day.Sometimes they ask me if i want to be picked up at the airport but i allways decline that.When i arrive i want to do my own things and go to apartment or hotel alone.

[1FinickyOne]

16 hours ago, spidermike007 said:

Only a man who has never been able to find an exceptional woman would utter such drivel. Yikes. My heart goes out to you. 

I have a lovely wife of 24 years here, but I have never met anyone w/a wife who makes EVERY day a better day - that is an idyll that does not exist and is not possible... my wife is great for me, but she is not perfect. She has moods and had menopause and wants that sometimes went beyond anyone's capacity to fulfill... she is human. 

 

Have you ever been in a long term relationship? 

[freedomnow]

It's the short game or the long game..you're getting the long game...riskier for them as the clock is ticking.

[spidermike007]

8 hours ago, 1FinickyOne said:

I have a lovely wife of 24 years here, but I have never met anyone w/a wife who makes EVERY day a better day - that is an idyll that does not exist and is not possible... my wife is great for me, but she is not perfect. She has moods and had menopause and wants that sometimes went beyond anyone's capacity to fulfill... she is human. 

 

Have you ever been in a long term relationship? 

20 years. And she has moods maybe two days a year. I have never been with someone so consistent emotionally, so steady, and so emotionally healthy in my life. I must have lucked out. 

[bangadang]

Another AI drama?

[1FinickyOne]

2 hours ago, spidermike007 said:

20 years. And she has moods maybe two days a year. I have never been with someone so consistent emotionally, so steady, and so emotionally healthy in my life. I must have lucked out. 

you get to menopause yet? 

 

My wife was so even tempered that I never knew if/when she was having her period.. and then came menopause... 50% of the time I didn't know who she was... then she contracted an incurable disease - ups and downs but we battled the worst together and after a recent slide to the edge, with me by her side every minute for months, she is doing much better and has been coping with some things that might draw another asunder... the disease is still there, but I believe she is 90% in remission. 

[cowellandrew]

3 hours ago, spidermike007 said:

20 years. And she has moods maybe two days a year. I have never been with someone so consistent emotionally, so steady, and so emotionally healthy in my life. I must have lucked out. 

My thai wife has been great for 35 years 

Have you next weeks lotto numbers?

[spidermike007]

2 hours ago, 1FinickyOne said:

you get to menopause yet? 

 

My wife was so even tempered that I never knew if/when she was having her period.. and then came menopause... 50% of the time I didn't know who she was... then she contracted an incurable disease - ups and downs but we battled the worst together and after a recent slide to the edge, with me by her side every minute for months, she is doing much better and has been coping with some things that might draw another asunder... the disease is still there, but I believe she is 90% in remission. 

No thankfully that has not happened yet, although I do give her a lot of credit, and I think that she will probably remain very even minded even through that craziness. A serious disease is another story altogether.