Relationship advice / your experiences - No card or gift

[CaptainAdcap]

I have been in a loving relationship with a great Thai woman who is 40 years old and who had a long term bad Farang marriage prior to our relationship. She works hard every day in her business, no money demands, I pay the bills. She truly loves me, I can feel it. She is that kind of person who does not want to remember anything, it's easier that way, every day is a birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day or anniversary. That is my issue, zero gifts, not even a card, she gets both and curiously keeps them at the head of our bed. So it means something, yet it doesn't ??? It sort of hurts, my issue I guess. THOUGHTS ???  THANK YOU for your responses in advance. Be well...

[Harrisfan]

No idea what the message is.

[fredwiggy]

12 minutes ago, CaptainAdcap said:

I have been in a loving relationship with a great Thai woman who is 40 years old and who had a long term bad Farang marriage prior to our relationship. She works hard every day in her business, no money demands, I pay the bills. She truly loves me, I can feel it. She is that kind of person who does not want to remember anything, it's easier that way, every day is a birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day or anniversary. That is my issue, zero gifts, not even a card, she gets both and curiously keeps them at the head of our bed. So it means something, yet it doesn't ??? It sort of hurts, my issue I guess. THOUGHTS ???  THANK YOU for your responses in advance. Be well...

Some people are givers and some aren't, yet give in other ways besides gifts and money. Some find it hard to accept gifts because they were never treated well before and saw little in the way of affection. I've been in relationships where the woman never or rarely saw any good treatment, or were downright abused, and for them to accept different takes a long, long time, especially if they were mistreated by their own fathers. People can get used to anything eventually, living in their own prisons with no thoughts of how to escape. If she treats you well, that's your gift from her. You might like giving small gifts, and her keeping them , especially in the open, shows they means something to her. Everyone is different on how they relate to others, and it all starts watching their parents as children.

[Gecko123]

No one said cross-cultural relationships would be easy. Recognizing the events you listed isn't part of Thai culture. If that's your biggest complaint, count your blessings, but maybe scale back the Mr. Romantic routine a tad if it's causing you hard feelings.

[Ralf001]

Put on your big boy pants and set her straight.

[BritManToo]

You don't give her money, so she doesn't value you.

I give mine money, she gives me birthday and valentine's presents.

Obviously not Xmas as she isn't a Christian.

[save the frogs]

11 hours ago, BritManToo said:

I give mine money, she gives me birthday and valentine's presents.

yeah but she only give you presents so that your money keeps rolling in

[BritManToo]

1 minute ago, save the frogs said:

yeah but she only give you presents so that your money keeps rolling in

No problem, I have plenty to spare.

[worgeordie]

Maybe you give her too much ,and expect too much in return,

just be happy she loves you ,You could stop giving her presents

and see what happens then...and report back..

 

regards worgeordie

[CaptainAdcap]

15 minutes ago, Ralf001 said:

Put on your big boy pants and set her straight.

I was going to, and it would probably seriously upset the apple cart. Her parents are due for a visit here in a few days, a problem. You know what, I will tone it down, I was going to explode, which I never do, yep, I will tell her straight out. Tomorrow is our anniversary...THANKS

[CaptainAdcap]

13 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

No problem, I have plenty to spare.

This is why I LOVE the Brits... Thanks for the laugh!

[Gecko123]

3 minutes ago, CaptainAdcap said:

I was going to, and it would probably seriously upset the apple cart. Her parents are due for a visit here in a few days, a problem. You know what, I will tone it down, I was going to explode, which I never do, yep, I will tell her straight out. Tomorrow is our anniversary...THANKS

 

Not sure what your plan now is, but an angry outburst is probably the worst way possible for you to handle the situation.

[fredwiggy]

17 minutes ago, CaptainAdcap said:

I was going to, and it would probably seriously upset the apple cart. Her parents are due for a visit here in a few days, a problem. You know what, I will tone it down, I was going to explode, which I never do, yep, I will tell her straight out. Tomorrow is our anniversary...THANKS

Gotta deal with any living parents as long as they live close. Accepting them goes a long way, no matter how they feel about you, you treat them well and they have no ammunition to use against you. Exploding will only bring "I told you he was no good". If something isn't broken you don't fix it. Advice taken from some who aren't happy in their lives and who think dominating over a woman is a man's way, are wrong. A man treats his partner as an equal. A boy treats them as an object. The best way to get anything from a woman you want is being able to listen to her when she needs something from you.

[Dan O]

17 minutes ago, CaptainAdcap said:

I was going to, and it would probably seriously upset the apple cart. Her parents are due for a visit here in a few days, a problem. You know what, I will tone it down, I was going to explode, which I never do, yep, I will tell her straight out. Tomorrow is our anniversary...THANKS

Thais don't view life and relationships the same as foreigners. If that's what you need to keep you stable in your relationship then you will lose as it won't happen.

 

Why explode over something so trivial as getting a gift or not getting one. If she loves you and takes care, doesn't cause drama, doesn't gamble or cheat on the side on you then your golden.

Arrange to celebrate your anniversary or other holidays  in some special way with her and over time she'll get the importance but don't expect her to react to them the same as you

[soi3eddie]

49 minutes ago, Gecko123 said:

No one said cross-cultural relationships would be easy. Recognizing the events you listed isn't part of Thai culture. If that's your biggest complaint, count your blessings, but maybe scale back the Mr. Romantic routine a tad if it's causing you hard feelings.

 

Agreed. After a few long-term relationships with Thai ladies, most do not give cards or gifts. It is a cultural thing. Just getting my half-Thai son to send a "thank you" to a generous British aunty is always a struggle.    

[scorecard]

19 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

Some people are givers and some aren't, yet give in other ways besides gifts and money. Some find it hard to accept gifts because they were never treated well before and saw little in the way of affection. I've been in relationships where the woman never or rarely saw any good treatment, or were downright abused, and for them to accept different takes a long, long time, especially if they were mistreated by their own fathers. People can get used to anything eventually, living in their own prisons with no thoughts of how to escape. If she treats you well, that's your gift from her. You might like giving small gifts, and her keeping them , especially in the open, shows they means something to her. Everyone is different on how they relate to others, and it all starts watching their parents as children.

Another example, I have an Australian work buddy, been with his Thai wife (married at local Amphur office 5 years ago). He's generous with gifts and support, she's generous with taking care of him and with great food specific to his wishes.

But she never says thank you.

One year he bought a birthday card for himself, wrote basic stuff in the card and gave to his wife, asking her to return the card and held his hand out to receive it. 

Her family originates from a not small village right on the border of Lao and not far from the area of Lao which was originally part of Vietnam.

He's asked her politely many times to say 'thank you' but she ignores it. Sh'es mentioned several time 'why do you want me to say 'thank you'. Further, 'please if you want to give me things that's fine of course but don't give me things to get a 'thank you'.

[SMIAI]

Some 'interesting' observations here.

 

My Thai friends gave me gifts. Many. It's absolutely incorrect to suggest that Thai people do not give gifts. It's not, as suggested a 'cultural thing' for Thai people to not give gifts. That is ridiculous.

 

 

But on the other hand, I very rarely open my gifts. So a variation on the OP's issue.

I have gifts more than ten years old that I haven't opened. My reasoning is that I have enough at the moment...

 

[steven100]

1 hour ago, Gecko123 said:

No one said cross-cultural relationships would be easy. Recognizing the events you listed isn't part of Thai culture. If that's your biggest complaint, count your blessings, but maybe scale back the Mr. Romantic routine a tad if it's causing you hard feelings.

 

OP .... this is good advice.  Some will care and give a card, and enjoy receiving a card,  others won't and don't care to think about birthdays or any special days,  it's just some Thai's are different from others.

 

I wouldn't push the romantic thought of it onto her as it may cause friction,  just let it go and how ever she feels best,  she'll enjoy that more than being pressured.

[fredwiggy]

16 minutes ago, scorecard said:

Another example, I have an Australian work buddy, been with his Thai wife (married at local Amphur office 5 years ago). He's generous with gifts and support, she's generous with taking care of him and with great food specific to his wishes.

But she never says thank you.

One year he bought a birthday card for himself, wrote basic stuff in the card and gave to his wife, asking her to return the card and held his hand out to receive it. 

Her family originates from a not small village right on the border of Lao and not far from the area of Lao which was originally part of Vietnam.

He's asked her politely many times to say 'thank you' but she ignores it. Sh'es mentioned several time 'why do you want me to say 'thank you'. Further, 'please if you want to give me things that's fine of course but don't give me things to get a 'thank you'.

All in the way they grew up. My ex said thank you once, and after knowing her for awhile, I knew it was hard for her as her family are a huge combination of one mental illness or another, greed and back talking, arguments and blame being commonplace. My girlfriend now thanks me for much of what I give her, as I see actual appreciation in her, even if she was also raised in a turbulent environment to this day. I rarely see locals saying thank you to other locals, though some do to foreigners. I'll still take the show of appreciation over words any day though.

[fredwiggy]

21 minutes ago, SMIAI said:

Some 'interesting' observations here.

 

My Thai friends gave me gifts. Many. It's absolutely incorrect to suggest that Thai people do not give gifts. It's not, as suggested a 'cultural thing' for Thai people to not give gifts. That is ridiculous.

 

 

But on the other hand, I very rarely open my gifts. So a variation on the OP's issue.

I have gifts more than ten years old that I haven't opened. My reasoning is that I have enough at the moment...

 

I'm sorry but that attitude shows a blatant disregard for the feelings of the gift giver. Maybe in the long run you didn't deserve many if not most of them?

[FolkGuitar]

I haven't seen too many Hallmark Greeting Card stores in Thailand, so perhaps giving cards isn't an important part of Thai Culture.  We Westerners tend to equate gifts with how someone feels about us; the more they spend, the more they value us. Not all cultures do that, and some (Japanese culture, for example) often even keep a record of how much has been spent by others for their gifts, to be sure to spend at least an equal amount when repaying gifts to them!

[Don Giovanni]

1 hour ago, CaptainAdcap said:

She truly loves me, I can feel it.

Man, I sure have heard that one before!

[fredwiggy]

1 minute ago, FolkGuitar said:

I haven't seen too many Hallmark Greeting Card stores in Thailand, so perhaps giving cards isn't an important part of Thai Culture.  We Westerners tend to equate gifts with how someone feels about us; the more they spend, the more they value us. Not all cultures do that, and some (Japanese culture, for example) often even keep a record of how much has been spent by others for their gifts, to be sure to spend at least an equal amount when repaying gifts to them!

It took me some searching to find a store with more than a couple of cards, and I give them to my girlfriend, and did to my ex wife on special occasions or just for the heck of it. I felt they never received them before, along with the flowers they received from me. My ex said she never got any as did my girlfriend. Someone who really appreciates you , especially if she never saw this before, will think they owe you and can't pay you back, so you have to let them know giving isn't an expect of a return but just because.

[Harrisfan]

30 minutes ago, scorecard said:

Another example, I have an Australian work buddy, been with his Thai wife (married at local Amphur office 5 years ago). He's generous with gifts and support, she's generous with taking care of him and with great food specific to his wishes.

But she never says thank you.

One year he bought a birthday card for himself, wrote basic stuff in the card and gave to his wife, asking her to return the card and held his hand out to receive it. 

Her family originates from a not small village right on the border of Lao and not far from the area of Lao which was originally part of Vietnam.

He's asked her politely many times to say 'thank you' but she ignores it. Sh'es mentioned several time 'why do you want me to say 'thank you'. Further, 'please if you want to give me things that's fine of course but don't give me things to get a 'thank you'.

Stop giving them. If no thanks or wai why bother?

[BangkokReady]

1 hour ago, CaptainAdcap said:

a long term bad Farang marriage prior to our relationship

 

Red flag.  Was it her that made it bad?  Is she punishing you for it now?  Did she do things for him that she doesn't do for you?

[CaptainAdcap]

9 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

It took me some searching to find a store with more than a couple of cards, and I give them to my girlfriend, and did to my ex wife on special occasions or just for the heck of it. I felt they never received them before, along with the flowers they received from me. My ex said she never got any as did my girlfriend. Someone who really appreciates you , especially if she never saw this before, will think they owe you and can't pay you back, so you have to let them know giving isn't an expect of a return but just because.

7/11 Twenty Baht, they are hidden in the corner of the bigger stores. Good thoughts none the less. Maybe I should stop being such a bitch...

[CaptainAdcap]

5 minutes ago, BangkokReady said:

 

Red flag.  Was it her that made it bad?  Is she punishing you for it now?  Did she do things for him that she doesn't do for you?

No according to her...LOL...No no punishment, I think he was the bad apple, 3rd marriage, now that's a red flag....LOL. THANKS !

[fredwiggy]

3 minutes ago, CaptainAdcap said:

7/11 Twenty Baht, they are hidden in the corner of the bigger stores. Good thoughts none the less. Maybe I should stop being such a bitch...

Again, don't rock the boat. Your first sentences show what's going on, and being content, comfortable, is the most important part of a relationship, even if some believe otherwise, at least for awhile. You be you, she'll be her. If a person doesn't appreciate what they're given, they won't keep it out in the open.

[CaptainAdcap]

THANKS GUYS, I guess I am maybe a little too sensitive, I will stop being such a bitch! I am a "tough" guy, gun slinging/shooting monkey, done things that people dream of and for some, nightmares. As she says, "you think too much." She does love me dearly, one knows, so I will nicely mention it. We will celebrate our 2nd anniversary tomorrow and drink our red wine and champagne (rare) as planned. Her parents come a day after that, her father thinks I am the greatest thing since Chang Beer. Maybe I just miss all the turmoil, anger, hate and stress of my "prior" life, something that haunts me on occasion. No biggie... GREAT ADVICE and a big THANKS !!! Cheers and be well...

[CaptainAdcap]

1 hour ago, scorecard said:

Another example, I have an Australian work buddy, been with his Thai wife (married at local Amphur office 5 years ago). He's generous with gifts and support, she's generous with taking care of him and with great food specific to his wishes.

But she never says thank you.

One year he bought a birthday card for himself, wrote basic stuff in the card and gave to his wife, asking her to return the card and held his hand out to receive it. 

Her family originates from a not small village right on the border of Lao and not far from the area of Lao which was originally part of Vietnam.

He's asked her politely many times to say 'thank you' but she ignores it. Sh'es mentioned several time 'why do you want me to say 'thank you'. Further, 'please if you want to give me things that's fine of course but don't give me things to get a 'thank you'.

I will say my girl is polite. Before she goes to work early morning I always make her green tea and salt/lime water. Always a khàawp khun kap The birthday card to self is BRILLIANT....hmmmm....LOL