Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Jai Dee]

A ringer in Western Queensland was pulled over by a Highway Patrol Officer for speeding.

The officer started to lecture the ringer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the ringer feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The ringer said, 'Having some problems with Circle flies there, are ya?'

The officer stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies.'

So the ringer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on Stations. See, they're called circle flies because they're most always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The officer says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, 'Are you trying to call me a horse's arse?'

The ringer says, 'Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law and order to even think about calling you a horse's arse.'

The officer says, 'Well that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the ringer says, 'Hard to fool them flies, though.'

[Jai Dee]

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'

Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'.

[roygsd]

WOW..... first they all bag us Aussies, now us "Shielas"??

Give us a break!

I

Aussies are the most down to earth people!

Come on all you foreigners cut us some slack! I'm not sure why you all have such a low opinion of our country, maybe it's because you've never been here!

AUSSIES ROCK and Australia is "FULLY SIK BRO!"

You are right, I haven been to Australia but I have worked with plenty of down to earth Aussies over the years, often to be found flat out after a few ( well actually a lot!! ) of beers after a good night out lol, they take being down to earth very seriously but take the rest of life in their stride, perhaps you should follow their example and chill out a little too, you might begin to like it.

[roygsd]

Crap. The best SAS is the Poms..followed by the Kiwis.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LOL! and where do the Kiwis go to train?? It wasn't over 6 months ago either that the Poms were over here doing the same thing as the Kiwis! And that isn't hearsay! Known FACT!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Did you hear???

The NZ armed forces have just been upgraded...

I much prefer this picture than the one of the Aussie pulling on a woolie..............

roy gsd

[Chang_paarp]

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me....

'You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around!

Get up off your arse and give her a break!'

I thought 'Shit! .. Women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies,

stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms

'Sod off and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening ' .

After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side.

I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn.

Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives . that way maybe they will take good care of us.

I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below]

I'M TO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT.

[aussiechick]

ONLY AUSSIES

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster

than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia .. do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the

driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally..... ....

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

IF YOU'RE PROUD TO BE AUSTRALIAN SEND THIS ON!

[Jai Dee]

Australian Work Practices...

[Jai Dee]

An advertisement billboard near Brisbane airport...

[Jai Dee]

For the more sensitive Aussies among us...

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'

[markuk]

Crap. The best SAS is the Poms..followed by the Kiwis.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LOL! and where do the Kiwis go to train?? It wasn't over 6 months ago either that the Poms were over here doing the same thing as the Kiwis! And that isn't hearsay! Known FACT!

Go and ask the US military who have the best SAS?! You might be surprised! And anyway... i'm sure you know the actual facts otherwise you wouldn't have posted that statement or was that only YOUR opinion?!

why would anyone ask the US military for any fuc_king advice????

Everyone knows that the originals are the best - Aussie and Kiwi SAS are ok but all know their methods / training comes from the originals. They are not a patch on the UK.

[Jai Dee]

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer were all working together one day when they come across a lantern and a Genie popped out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" said the Genie.

The Canadian said, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state."

POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer said: "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explained, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

The Aussie engineer sat down, cracked open a beer, smiled and said, "Fill it with water".........

[peter991]

White Fella Medicine

A black man goes to a doctor with a problem - he can't stop jogging!

‘Hey white doctor” says the black man “what ya think is makin’ me run all over the place. To puckin’ hot for dat shit”

The doctor says” got me beat but hey I might have a cure”

To cure the man, the doctor puts two lines of white powder on his desk and tells him to snort them.

The black man does what the doctor says and immediately after, he stops dead still.

'Puck me drunk. Is that cocaine?' he asks the doctor.

'No' the doctor replies. 'It's pucken Omo - guaranteed to stop coloureds from running.'

Peter

[Jai Dee]

Kevin Rudd (or Kevin Crudd or Kevin Dud as he is now known by certain citizens' groups), was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of Australia. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, $200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead

Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody cent!'

[tuky]

GUDONYA PETER !

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure !'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback

lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[Jai Dee]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Perth immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in Australia with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Nedlands with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here...'

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ , overlooking the river. 'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an Australian with Australian clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck dick-head... now that you are an Ozzie, you have to fend for yourself.' And she disappeared!

[Jai Dee]

A bloke applies for a job with the Australian Federal Police,

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen. Just one further test... Take this gun, go out, and shoot 6 Abo's, 6 Muslims and a rabbit".

Bloke replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector replies, "Fantastic attitude..... You've got the job!"

[samuibeachcomber]

love these jokes..................keep 'em coming

[Jai Dee]

Today an Abborigine was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

[ozzydom]

Malcolm Turnbull was visiting a primary school in North Melbourne where he

looked in on one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings

.

The teacher asked Mr. Turnbull if he would like to lead the discussion on the

word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend who lives on a farm

is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him that

would be a 'tragedy'."

"No said Turnbull........ "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove

over a cliff killing everyone inside that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not explained Mr. Turnbull "that's what we would call great

loss"

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Malcolm Turnbull searched

the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room , little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If A plane carrying you and Mrs. Bishop was struck

by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a

tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Turnbull. "That's right. And can you tell me why that

would be tragedy?"

"Well, says little Johnny "it has to be a tragedy , because it certainly

wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either,"

[Jai Dee]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Australia.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in Bass Strait, East Queensland Shale Fields, Canning Basin, Perth Basin, and the North-West Continental Shelf.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra!!!

[gburns57au]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Perth immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in Australia with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Nedlands with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here...'

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ , overlooking the river. 'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an Australian with Australian clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck dick-head... now that you are an Ozzie, you have to fend for yourself.' And she disappeared!

Could be a true story.....lots of fairies around that part of town......

[Chopper]

Gotta laugh!

TheFrontFellOff.wmv

[Jai Dee]

Buying a Bacardi Breezer in the Outback...

[Sarge]

as an aside, how are the tourist figures doing at the mo? after a high profile campaign, of few years ago, that played on national stereotypes, creating bit of "interest" abroad (and I'm using an euphemism here), nothing has been heard since. I understand that the Indonesian took the baton and carried on with it: Aussies, where the Bali hel_l are you?

[peter991]

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?'

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock ( MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am . While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes ( MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet ( MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch ( MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio ( MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with Petrol from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying Australian JOB At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decide to relax for a while.. He put on his sandals ( MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.! ) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in ... Australia.....

Peter

[peter991]

The Jackeroo

A jackeroo has spent many days crossing the western plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Australian Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, mate,' says the genie... 'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the jackeroo. 'I'm not going to trust an ATO genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transport, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The jackeroo thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The jackeroo finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, mate, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The jackeroo finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins, Thai baht banknotes and coins and precious gems.

'OK, mate, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the jackeroo says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story is: If the Australian government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Peter

[peter991]

An AFL Tale

The coach of Collingwood Football Club gets wind of a potential new young recruit who lives in Afghanistan.

He and the Magpie Recruiting Manager thumb a lift with the RAAF to the war torn country and track the young man down.

Risking life and limb dodging bombs, bullets, RPGs and grenades they finally find the lad and convince him to come to Australia. The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked for the senior's bench for the first game of the year. Ten minutes into the first quarter, the centre half forward goes down with a severe knee injury. The coach turns to the young lad and says ' This is it son, take the centre half forward position and show us what you can do!'

The lad takes the field and plays the greatest debut game in AFL history. He kicks 9 goals, takes the mark of the year and kicks the winning goal after the siren from outside 50.

The Pies chair him off the ground and give him three cheers. Back in the dressing room, the Coach tells the rest of the team what the young Taliban boy has been through and that he is a model for all youth in Melbourne. He then pulled the boy aside and tells him to ring his mother and tell her what he did today.

The boy phones his mother and says 'Mum! Guess what I did today!'

'I don't care what you did today' said his mother 'I'll tell YOU what happened here today while you were out wasting time! - Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, the house was torched, our car blown up, your sister attacked and your brother abducted!'

'By the beard of the prophet mother' said the boy ' I feel a bit responsible for what happened in my absence'.

His mother replied before slamming the phone down 'So you should be!.......If it wasn't for you, we would never have moved to Collingwood in the first place!'

[warfie]

love it!

[Jai Dee]

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The Aussie doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehol_e out of Queensland, put him in Canberra and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.'

[peter991]

Heatwave in Australia at the moment ... just took this EXCLUSIVE to ThaiVisa pic out my front door in Perth today.

Peter