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Worst joke ever..

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out from behind a bush, opened the back door of the cab and demanded to be taken to the airport. The cab driver kept looking back at his passenger in the rear view mirror, and she became irritated and said, "Why do you keep staring at me?" The cab driver replied, "Well, you don't have any clothes on and no place to carry any money and I am wondering how you are going to pay your fare?"

The woman opened her legs and pointed to her crotch and said, "How about me paying with this?"

The cab driver looked back at the woman and said, "Do you have anything smaller?"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this fresh horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning!"

In space, two aliens are talking to each other telepathically.

The first alien looks at the other and communicates, "The dominant life
forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

Without speaking, the second alien asks, "Are they an emerging
intelligence?"

The first alien replies, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves."

Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

Say, "Nice dick."

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

How do you know you're leading a sad life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain.

Passenger: How far is land, from here?

Captain: Two miles...

Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have the experience of swimming even more.

Captain: .....????

Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land is two miles from here?

Captain: Downward...

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Oh dear - Errors - No file selected for upload.....

There was Honest!

I'll try another day.

A sign of madness:
Trying the same moves over and over

expecting a different result.....

Confusius say, when man walks through airport turnstile sideways with erection, he is going to Bangkok.

Confuscious say

"Man who cook meat and peas in the same pot is unhygienic"

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"

Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town he went into a nearby saloon. Approaching the bartender he asked, "Is there any action to be had in this town?"

"What do you mean, action?" asked the bartender.

"I mean, are there any women," said the trapper.

"No, but there's always old Joe," replied the bartender.

"No thanks," said the trapper. "I don't go for that kind of stuff."

The next spring the trapper came back into town. After being snowed in for nine months he was in a slightly different frame of mind. He walked into the bar and asked, "Is there any action in town?"

"There's still old Joe," replied the bartender.

"If I were to go for old Joe," he asked, "Who would have to know about it?"

"Well," said the bartender, "there's you, me, old Joe of course, and these three guys sitting at the other end of the bar."

"What do we need those three guys for?" asked the trapper.

"To hold old Joe," replied the bartender. "He don't go for that kind of stuff, either."

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.