Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

Please not so many reposts!!

[55Jay]

A few of the older guys in my social circle tell the same stories and jokes nearly every time we meet.

For 184 pages, we are doing so bad.

[laislica]

A few of the older guys in my social circle tell the same stories and jokes nearly every time we meet.

For 184 pages, we are doing so bad.

How to beat Alzheimer,

use your memory!

555

[AhFarangJa]

[ozsamurai]

Why did the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

What is E.T short for?

Because he's only got little legs

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to Windows 10

when I asked him he said "I still love vista, baby!"

What do you call a computer that sings...

A Dell

Oz

[Ron19]

WINDOWS FROZEN - WON'T OPEN

Husband texts back;

GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER

Wife tests back 5 minutes later:

LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW!​

[Ron19]

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....The landlord goes out of his
way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the
barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[Ron19]

I’m Jane” she said.

"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You just have to ask me nicely"

he replied.

[AhFarangJa]

[White Christmas13]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know."

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking " What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, " I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!"

[White Christmas13]

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words."

He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"

[White Christmas13]

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....The landlord goes out of his

way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the

barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me

favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,

then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,

they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[White Christmas13]

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."

[laislica]

deleted

Edited June 3, 2016 by laislica

[laislica]

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....The landlord goes out of his

way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the

barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me

favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,

then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,

they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....The landlord goes out of his

way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the

barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me

favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,

then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,

they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

This was funnier when Ron posted it on the previous page 555

[White Christmas13]

Well since you only criticizing why don't you post some thing funny ?

[laislica]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels.

We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort.

Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there.

The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed.

We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. T

his would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ...
THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

[White Christmas13]

So and how old is this ?

[joboss]

A new manager was assigned the task of sacking a staff member.

He had to decide between Jack or Jill.

He was in a state of anguish because he couldn’t separate the two in competence and value.

He decided that the next morning he would sack whoever was the first to use the water fountain.

Next morning, after a hard night on the chardonnay, Jill arrives at work with a raging thirst and heads straight to the water fountain.

The Boss observes this and approaches Jill and stammers out,

“Err, Morning Jill, I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill replies, “You had better jack off because I’ve got a shocker headache!”

[laislica]

So and how old is this ?

Very old, but I hope not a repost of a very recent one.

Reposting one from years ago seems OK to me cos I've probably forgotten it by then.

Still, each to his own.

[wayned]

When you get like me, if I read a joke in post number 4112, by the time I get to 4118 it's like I've never heard it before!

Have you heard this one yet?

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, .................

Be aware we walk among you!

[AhFarangJa]

[laislica]

[laislica]

[White Christmas13]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

[White Christmas13]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[White Christmas13]

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

[NiwPix]

So and how old is this ?

Very old, but I hope not a repost of a very recent one.

Reposting one from years ago seems OK to me cos I've probably forgotten it by then.

Still, each to his own.

Couldn't agree more. If he wouldn't be posting so many darn good ones ( and new ) regularly, it would be as simple as blocking him. Life gives you tough decisions to make

[Ron19]

Irish Compassion....

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston,
the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,

but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board,

and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat

Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

[Ron19]