Worst Joke Ever

[himachal]

Why are women like clouds?

Eventually they F#@K off and it's a beautiful day.

Now I'm laughing!

[dippyrick]

Have you heard about the constipated maths lecturer......... who tried to work it out with a pencil

[peter991]

FEMALE COMPASSION (The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?' The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.' She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[maccaroni man]

snow white was kicked out od disney land. why? she was f..king goofie.

[warfie]

Mick Hucknall was recently caught shagging a rabbit.

In his defense he said he was "holding back the ears", and,"the bunny was too tight to mention"

[warfie]

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her

neighbour's garden, which had beautiful brighted tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice

each day, in the morning and in the evening, Iexpose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice

daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

[warfie]

A bit of green tar is having a drink at a bar when a bit of black tar walks in, nuts two people and kicks a third in the head. The barman tells the green tar that the black tar really is the local hard nut and to stay away. Moments later a piece of red tar walks in and the black tar runs out as fast as possible. "Why did he just run off like that then?" asks the green tar. The barman replies "Because that guy is a cycle path"

[peter991]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the 'lil old lady pictured above, sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.

On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing!

How old are you?"

"Forty-four," she replied..

[peter991]

Israel - Jerusalem: wailing wall / Western Wall

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

*

*

*

*

*

"Like I'm talking to a f*cking brick wall!"

Edited November 28, 2012 by Scott
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[warfie]

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig,

he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to

pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a

matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew

of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former

tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.

Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than

a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed

and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.

"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces

together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

[warfie]

A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and

put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye

fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in

time to see a girl looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a

drink.

As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said,

"I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to

join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said, "I have had

a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every

man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"

[warfie]

Two friends were hunting in the woods. One was an experienced hunter.

He was taking his friend on his first hunting trip. But his friend was

a peaceful guy who didn't have the heart to hurt any animals.

Eventually, they found a deer. When they were within shooting range,

they saw that the deer had an infection in one eye. The infection

explained why the deer hadn't seen them sneak up. The experienced

hunter readied his gun and looked through the scope. But before he

could shoot, his friend started making a commotion.

"Hey," he said, "I think this is a bad-eye deer."

[metisdead]

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three Children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real

Serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and

You vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40!!.

[gennisis]

Bill & Ben overheard talking...

Bill: "Flibble-flobble-wubble-flibble"

Ben: "Pi$$ed again then?"

or as the late...

and great...Bernaqrd Manning would tell it..." Shut up and swallow it"

[bubblegum]

Two fridges are playing football in the desert when a egg walks bye. Hi egg wanna play? Naw have to get e haircut.

[warfie]

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",

to which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."

Warfie is hiding in the corner.....

[warfie]

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever

physical exam. after checking all of her vitals and running the usual

tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I

could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The

American Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called..."

"The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred!"

[metisdead]

When I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's just regular porn, you sick b@stard."

[peter000]

A young journalism student was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission.

The young man asked, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?”

After a moment, the farmer said, “Yeah, one time my neighbour’s daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.”

“I can’t print that!” the young man exclaimed. “Can’t you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”

The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, “Yep! One time a neighbour’s sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it, and then took it back home.”

Again, the young man said, “I can’t print that, either. Let’s try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?”

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,

“This one time, I got lost.”

[SamTHorn]

THanks!

[warfie]

hehehe

[CelticBhoy]

A black guy walks into the doctor's surgery with a frog on his head.

Doctor says, "How can I help you?"

Frog says, "Could you get this blackhead off my arse, please?"

[peter991]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hel_l do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy ... just follow the yellow-dick Toad!"

[warfie]

^^^ ouch....

I think we have a winner!

[warfie]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when

the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about

whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party

official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph

whether

it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is

it

officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man

quietly replied:

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

[Murf]

[Wallaby]

2 elephants fall off a cliff

boom boom

[Wallaby]

7 year old boy walks into the butcher shop.

'can I have 2 pounds of steak and kidley'

'you mean steak and kidney'

'that's what I said diddle I?'

[warfie]

oh dear...

[Robby nz]

A friend of mine just started his own business.

He is making landmines that look like prayer mats.

The business is doing exceedingly well.

He says Prophets are going through the roof.