My dear friends and colleagues,

During the forthcoming Christmas celebrations, those of us in our various Churches will be required to implement health and safety regulations whilst performing or participating in Christmas carols. Please adhere to the following guidelines at risk of contravening the Glory From on High (Statutory Instruments) Regulations, 2009. (As amended.) Contraventions, after due process in the courts, can result in fines, imprisonment or Glory being withdrawn from your communities!!

Despite all this, do have a very Merry Christmas!

Very best wishes,

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

Deck The Halls

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Tis the season to be jolly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Don we now our gay apparel,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

Troll the ancient Yule tide carol,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

See the blazing Yule before us,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Strike the harp and join the chorus.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Follow me in merry measure,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

While I tell of Yule tide treasure,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fast away the old year passes,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Sing we joyous, all together,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Heedless of the wind and weather,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Holly should not be handled without leather gardening gloves to protect against the prickles.

When decking a hall, one person should hold the base of the ladder to ensure no slippage.

As for laughter in an open sleigh, jollility should be kept to a low decibel level.

Gay apparel should NOT be donned. Mimicing or mocking of homosexual fashion will not be condoned.

Blazing yule logs should be cordoned off and a fire resistant floor covering fixed in place.

Any strikes require 14 working days written notice beforehand.

Following in merry measure must be carried out with a designated driver.

DO heed the wind and weather. Weather forecast can be obtained beforehand from the local meterological service, and it is advised to dress appropriately.

Can we place a limit on the number of <deleted> Fa la las as well?