Ok..so, initiaI scenario to set the scene:

Bf working away for a few months. Been going out with friends to stave off missing him. Went to an event, and Iater posted on the event organisers facebook page. One of the DJ's sees my post and then "friend requests" me. Dont add peopIe i dont know, so Ieft it intiaIIy. But, his page Iooks interesting and turns out he is DJing at the next event being organised, so accept the request. At the next event, met him, and got chatting for a whiIe. Nice guy. (STOP..! Before your minds wander, i do not cheat.. when in a reIationship im committed 100%..just cIearing that up!).

So anyway, get a message from him asking if wouId Iike to meet up for Iunch or a drink some time. Ieaves his number.

On skype, i teII my bf the story of meeting this guy, and if he wouId be ok about me meeting up for a friendIy chat.

He repIy was, its ok. But, that if he meets a nice girI out at a cIub, i shouId be ok about him meeting up for coffee with her. Hit me that i actuaIIy id feeI quite uncomfortabIe about that. Meeting estabIished femaIe friends no probIem, but meeting up one-on-one with a new woman he just met, makes me feeI a bit..um..wary..i suppose. Of course, no person shouId be/feeI restricted, but it did make me stop and think.

Decided untiI we discuss and work out what we are both ok with, that i wont meet with this guy one-to-one.

So...im wondering what others perspectives on this kind of thing is? wouId you be uncomfortabIe, or easy going? Do you mind your gf/bf/ wife/husband meeting up one-to-one with someone new they met?

Just trying to work it out reaIIy.

Thanks.

there are a whole range of scenarios.

I've been with Mr Boo for 10+ years now & know doesn't really court freindships with women, he will be freindly to my girlfriends but isn't the type of man to be pally with women, he has an established group of thai male friends from childhood so a new female friend outside of our group would raise a question but if she were for example a tattooist or musician I would understand the connection but if she were just some random woman then it would raise an alarm of what the motivation was on both sides. (He aint that interesting or good looking )

Saying that, he & one of my best friends are very close, (we all met around the same time)& he will go to stay with her in her country for a couple of weeks to work & she will look after him, she even calls herself his mia noi. They get drunk, talk crap to each other she even lived with us in Thailand for 3 months last year, I know what they have in common & their closeness doesn't even cross my mind. It just is & I am happy that the people I care about most get on so well. If it were someone else, then I might question. The point I am trying to make is, the circumstances behind making a new friend are numerous & getting a random friend request from a vague acquaintance of the opposite sex would naturally raise alarm bells in most people.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFWGOKuFyjk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuSyX2d1tbY&feature=related

A few things strike me here.

1) The DJ probably is not into platonic...he might be....but more likely is that he is not. He may say he is....but he is not. (it does not neccessarily mean he is devious...he is just a male). I think you should consider this if you intend to have a platonic cup of coffee. To him, the coffees and facebook comments over the next period of time are just groundwork, and possibly a "positive sign", (maybe just in his mind...or maybe not just in his mind???).

2) You might want to consider your motive for even mentioning it to your BF. On the surface it looks like being honest and up-front....but is there something else going on subconsciously? Take Boo for example: I suspect Mr Boo would not think twice about accepting a platonic coffee date (because it is naturally 100% platonic to him) and he might not feel the need to ask Boo.

Why did you need BF's approval in the first place?

3) Many a true word is spoken in jest: I'm ok with you meeting ths guy for coffee, but If you have coffee, then I can meet a girl for coffee too, hahaha. There is an insecurity underlying here, on both your parts. Why did you need BF's approval in the first place? Since you did ask, why did he feel the need to hint at his power of reciprocation?

You can get all psychoanalytical..... I would say just follow your heart, follow your conscience, play it by ear.....only make your intentions clear to Mr DJ. My guess is that if you make it very clear that you are only ever going to be platonic friends....the coffee invitations will peter out.

Be careful of the blend................Blue Mountain, you'll never be able to control yourself. Go for a slightly bitter perhaps Kenyan organic variety and you should be fine.

If you don't want to pull amystery, don't chat up the opposite sex.

Seldom is a one-on-one anything but a precursor to nooky, at least in the guy's mind.

So...im wondering what others perspectives on this kind of thing is? would you be uncomfortable, or easy going? Do you mind your gf/bf/ wife/husband meeting up one-to-one with someone new they met?

An accidental meeting is one thing....a pre-arranged date is another. Especially given this is a new acquaintance of yours alone.

In my mind with my wife.....mmmm no way but that is just me. Also I would not do it myself knowing my wife would be stressed by the thought of it.

What Humph said. This guy is not inviting you for coffee - it's an audition for a roll (not role).

Take a friend with you. I agree with the guys, DJ person sounds a bit dodgy.

Thanks for the views guys.

I realise considering my age i should be more wordly-wise when it comes to some things, but im not. I have always had more male friends than female, and i suppose i have a rather naive approach to the opposite sex. I like meeting interesting people, and flirting isnt something i do (i flirt/mess about etc only with the guy im in a relationship with). In fact, if a guy flirts with me, thats my queue to get away fast. Im embarrassed by flirting and men who compliment too much. I love the general banter with good male friends, and have never have crossed a line.

In my naivety, i didnt think anything of it, but when faced with the idea of my bf meeting up with a random lady he just met, i realised how uncomfortable that would make me feel. It hit me that although i viewed my meeting this guy as innocent, it may cause my bf discomfort and dont want that.

Its not so very easy to meet similarly aged people, who seem "normal"..(for want of a better word) here. Just regular people who are friendly.

Harcourt, you mentioned what my motive for telling my bf might have been. Well, its how we are with each other. We are open (to a possible fault), but i like the openness, even if i dont always like what i hear. IE, he goes on boys nights out and comes back and tells me some of the antics they got up to. Part of that is playing a flirting game with girls (they play tricks on each other etc.. ). Dont particularly like it much, and think its a bit childish, but well, im not going to stick someone in ankle chains. He even told me about one girl trying to grab his...er..nether regions..well she did..and then practically begged him to take her home. Hes a good looking guy, it will happen. He tells me, i tease him, then we laugh about it. So..i personally wouldnt feel right about meeting someone new and not telling him. That doesnt mean i feel guilty, or had any intentions, or needed approval, just that i dont keep anything from him. We started out as friends, totally honest and open friends, and as a couple, thats still our basis.

...for the record..i DO think men and woman can be friends Ive got some great male friends ive know for years. We are open, we hug, we confide. Never never anything more.

double post. Net weird :S

i got to the part ' DJ ' and thats as far as i needed to read

Dj's are well known for playing around, and not just music ! , he has one intention and one intention only ....... if i was Mr Ekk i would not be happy with you going for coffee ect, as although you dont think it will lead to anything , the DJ will have other motives.....

anyway thats my 2 cents

Go for a coffee with him. If you think he could become a friend. (we know you want to!!) and mention your boyfriend a couple of times during the conversation. Hopefully he will accept the fact that it is only a "coffee" you are going for but would like a friendship.

I have lots of male friends and we have a good laugh together.

I did have one boyfriend who was a bit against the fact that my ex was staying at my place (to cat sit) for three weeks when I went to Africa. Only because the ex knew the moggies. Got rid of the two of them. Men not cats!!

It's nice that you are open and talk about everything with your beau.

Apart from the coffee secret, of course.

Boater,

It depends on the DJ. When i was young, a DJ zoomed in on me on the dance floor and we went out for 6 years. But, I had to go through his DJ things all those years....

At the time, I felt good to be the DJ's girlfriend.

Probably equivalent, now, to Hugh Hefner's latest squeeze!!! In a small town in Switzerland...

Patsy, ive decided against a one-on-one coffee/Iunch etc. WouId feeI Iike im sneaking around if i were to do that tbh, even if innocent. Im going out with a few friends for a drink and a chat at the weekend, so ive decided to send a message to the dj apoIogising for not having time to meet up this week, but that he is weIcome to come aIong and join us.

Ughh...the compIexities of human dynamics!

Edit: for the record, the reason im inviting him is that i dont wish to be rude to a seemingIy nice person (regardIess of you cynics who pigeon hoIe a person just because hes a dj ). That way he can make generaI friends with me and my friends and its more open and easy. If he remains in Chiang Mai, then i wiII introduce him to my bf when my bf gets back. Sometimes our minds work overtime when we are away from our partners...and concerns creep in, even when you know deep down you trust them. So I reassured my bf not to worry, but said i wont meet with the guy one-to-one..not because he has anything to worry about..but because i wouId feeI the same concern if he were to meet up with a girI he met in a cIub. Seems fair enough to me!

Fairy nuff!! that's sorted.

Who's next?!!

i got to the part ' DJ ' and thats as far as i needed to read

Dj's are well known for playing around, and not just music ! , he has one intention and one intention only ....... if i was Mr Ekk i would not be happy with you going for coffee ect, as although you dont think it will lead to anything , the DJ will have other motives.....

anyway thats my 2 cents

You are an occupationalist! You bigot.

I bet you think all car salesmen are dishonest, all IT gurus are nerds, all scout masters are paedophiles, and all plumbers have fat bottoms too.

A few things strike me here.

1) The DJ probably is not into platonic...he might be....but more likely is that he is not. He may say he is....but he is not. (it does not neccessarily mean he is devious...he is just a male). I think you should consider this if you intend to have a platonic cup of coffee. To him, the coffees and facebook comments over the next period of time are just groundwork, and possibly a "positive sign", (maybe just in his mind...or maybe not just in his mind???).

2) You might want to consider your motive for even mentioning it to your BF. On the surface it looks like being honest and up-front....but is there something else going on subconsciously? Take Boo for example: I suspect Mr Boo would not think twice about accepting a platonic coffee date (because it is naturally 100% platonic to him) and he might not feel the need to ask Boo.

Why did you need BF's approval in the first place?

3) Many a true word is spoken in jest: I'm ok with you meeting ths guy for coffee, but If you have coffee, then I can meet a girl for coffee too, hahaha. There is an insecurity underlying here, on both your parts. Why did you need BF's approval in the first place? Since you did ask, why did he feel the need to hint at his power of reciprocation?

You can get all psychoanalytical..... I would say just follow your heart, follow your conscience, play it by ear.....only make your intentions clear to Mr DJ. My guess is that if you make it very clear that you are only ever going to be platonic friends....the coffee invitations will peter out.

I agree with Harcourt 100%

Look at the facts... You are young and attractive. He is male. 90% of males are horny and looking to get laid. Case rests.

However, you are holding ALL the cards, or at least all the Aces. The ball is in your court and you can wack it in any direction you want. There is nothing saying that if you went on a date with a man that you are required to be intimate with him. Just don't give him mixed messages. That's not fair. Of course, it's not fair if he gives YOU mixed messages either.

I have lots of women friends who I don't have sex with. Some are married and some are not. I've even slept in the same bed with a few of them, but with no intimacy. It was just a practical reason to save money on a hotel room.

I don't know if it was a wise move to let your Boyfriend know, but that is a questionable point. It would be worse if you said nothing and he found out about it later. Some people are very jealous and others are not. Frankly, I don't think long distance relationships work very well, but there are always exceptions.

Patsy, ive decided against a one-on-one coffee/Iunch etc. WouId feeI Iike im sneaking around if i were to do that tbh, even if innocent. Im going out with a few friends for a drink and a chat at the weekend, so ive decided to send a message to the dj apoIogising for not having time to meet up this week, but that he is weIcome to come aIong and join us.

Ughh...the compIexities of human dynamics!

Edit: for the record, the reason im inviting him is that i dont wish to be rude to a seemingIy nice person (regardIess of you cynics who pigeon hoIe a person just because hes a dj ). That way he can make generaI friends with me and my friends and its more open and easy. If he remains in Chiang Mai, then i wiII introduce him to my bf when my bf gets back. Sometimes our minds work overtime when we are away from our partners...and concerns creep in, even when you know deep down you trust them. So I reassured my bf not to worry, but said i wont meet with the guy one-to-one..not because he has anything to worry about..but because i wouId feeI the same concern if he were to meet up with a girI he met in a cIub. Seems fair enough to me!

Good decision. Nuff said. Be pleasant, honest and cautious.

i got to the part ' DJ ' and thats as far as i needed to read

Dj's are well known for playing around, and not just music ! , he has one intention and one intention only ....... if i was Mr Ekk i would not be happy with you going for coffee ect, as although you dont think it will lead to anything , the DJ will have other motives.....

anyway thats my 2 cents

You are an occupationalist! You bigot.

I bet you think all car salesmen are dishonest, all IT gurus are nerds, all scout masters are paedophiles, and all plumbers have fat bottoms too.

If he doesn't........I do !!!!!!

i got to the part ' DJ ' and thats as far as i needed to read

Dj's are well known for playing around, and not just music ! , he has one intention and one intention only ....... if i was Mr Ekk i would not be happy with you going for coffee ect, as although you dont think it will lead to anything , the DJ will have other motives.....

anyway thats my 2 cents

You are an occupationalist! You bigot.

I bet you think all car salesmen are dishonest, all IT gurus are nerds, all scout masters are paedophiles, and all plumbers have fat bottoms too.

If he doesn't........I do !!!!!!

Occupationist!

i got to the part ' DJ ' and thats as far as i needed to read

Dj's are well known for playing around, and not just music ! , he has one intention and one intention only ....... if i was Mr Ekk i would not be happy with you going for coffee ect, as although you dont think it will lead to anything , the DJ will have other motives.....

anyway thats my 2 cents

You are an occupationalist! You bigot.

I bet you think all car salesmen are dishonest, all IT gurus are nerds, all scout masters are paedophiles, and all plumbers have fat bottoms too.

If he doesn't........I do !!!!!!

Occupationist!

I've been called worse..........

Worse? That's a funny name. You may have spelt it wrong...perhaps they said Wurz, a fine Austrian name indeed.

bedlamized nicely

Worse? That's a funny name. You may have spelt it wrong...perhaps they said Wurz, a fine Austrian name indeed.

Nope, no intention of ever being the Governor of California..............

Worse? That's a funny name. You may have spelt it wrong...perhaps they said Wurz, a fine Austrian name indeed.

Nope, no intention of ever being the Governor of California..............

With a body like yours you'd have no hope anyway.

Worse? That's a funny name. You may have spelt it wrong...perhaps they said Wurz, a fine Austrian name indeed.

Nope, no intention of ever being the Governor of California..............

With a body like yours you'd have no hope anyway.

peeking in the showers again you naughty boy.....................

Ahhhh the beauty of bedIimization.

..why am i thinking that sounds a bit smutty?

Inane insanity................. You can't beat it

But all said and done eek, the " Arnie " references and the "showers" are probably relevant to your problem, especially if the DJ is Austrian, or previously married to anyone with Kennedy connections.