SATIRE:

California Wow Owner Sentenced To 10 Years Of Non-Stop Dance Music

BANGKOK – The legal quagmire that has engulfed what once was Thailand’s most successful fitness chain came to a satisfying conclusion today as the Central Criminal Court sentenced Eric Mark Levine, the chairman and majority shareholder of California Wow, to 15 years of continuous dance music.

The court, which endured almost seven months of testimony from over 3,400 witnesses and co-plaintiffs whose class-action case accused Levine of fraudulent business practices, breach of contract, and “crimes against humanity and good taste,” issued its 81-page judgment this morning. It found Levine, who owned over 70% of Californiawowx PCL directly and through nominees, guilty of 29 acts.

The verdict was met by cheers throughout the courtroom and the crowd of hundreds who had gathered on the courthouse steps.

Along with felony convictions for racketeering and fraud, Levine was also convicted of the more serious charges of torture, which carry up to a life sentence under Thai law. In its verdict, the court said that it had been “deeply moved” by the testimony of witnesses who documented and corroborated the “inhumane conditions” that were endured by customers of California Wow.

It was this testimony that spurred to court to sentence Levine to what the court called “a punishment that fits this horrible, unconscionable crime.”

Under the conditions of the sentence, Levine will be placed in a special wing of Bangkok Remand Prison where he will be forced to run on a treadmill from 6am-8pm daily, while being sonically assaulted by 500-watt speakers on either side of him which will play a continuous loop of high-energy techno and power-pop disco remixes at 98 decibels.

The former businessman will also be required to watch television while he runs, and wear headphones that play the TV audio signal even though he won’t be able to hear it over the music. Levine will be required to hear the music while sleeping, making his once-a-week phone call, and during visits from outsiders.

The sentence is for 10 years, which approximately matches the time that California Wow did business in Thailand, with Levine eligible for parole in six years. However, the negotiation for parole, as well as for any requests while in prison, will be handled by a series of aggressive prison administrators who will never explain clearly to Levine what he’s agreeing to while simultaneously demanding him to sign enigmatically-worded contracts that he cannot decipher. Every fourth piece of paper placed before him, possible disguised as a written request for better prison conditions, will actually be a contract obliging Levine to a longer sentence.

Furthermore, the bathroom facilities that Levine will be using during his prison will be crowded with gay men f*** each other. Although they won’t actually touch Levine, they will constantly size him up with leering glances, and any bodily fluids from their non-stop sex will be left on the bathroom floor for Levine to walk through.

Lead prosecutor Winmorat Kulsawat hailed the verdict as a great victory for consumers. “Although the victims of California Wow’s reign of fitness terror can never fully recover their lost years and the cost of their suffering, it will give them some relief to know that the mad man who destroyed their hearing, their finances, and their faith is going to get a taste of his own tyranny.”

Levine is also being fined Bt600 million, which will go to victim restitution and the creation of a memorial at the site of the Silom branch of California Wow, where some of the most egregious of Levine’s crimes took place.

The memorial will feature a bronze statue of a person wearing exercise clothing, kneeling before a broken Stairmaster, covering his ears with his hands while screaming.

-- notthenation 2012-08-24

Make him listen to Disco Duck over and over again. That will drive him insane. lol

How can you force someone to run and listen to music.. That is a disgrace and what century is the judge and the country of Thailand living in.. 10 years in jail maybe ok but to torture someone is not acceptable... 1 rule for falang and bail if your a Thai... I hope he complains to the U.N or a world office because that sentence is digraceful

@Huayrat - read it again :-)

California Wow Owner Sentenced To 10 Years Of Non-Stop Dance Music"

Mildy amusing, but ive seen better from NotTheNation

How can you force someone to run and listen to music.. That is a disgrace and what century is the judge and the country of Thailand living in.. 10 years in jail maybe ok but to torture someone is not acceptable... 1 rule for falang and bail if your a Thai... I hope he complains to the U.N or a world office because that sentence is digraceful

Dood... read the first word in the post.

...Crazy Frog....or anything at all by Justin Bieber

...Crazy Frog....or anything at all by Justin Bieber

Crazy frog on loop. Seems fair.

so is this a fake story or is it real??

SATIRE:

so is this a fake story or is it real??

so is this a fake story or is it real??

What do you think, Einstein?

so is this a fake story or is it real??

Note the use the word "SATIRE" in red lettering preceeding the article..

never mind, of course its real....

How can you force someone to run and listen to music.. That is a disgrace and what century is the judge and the country of Thailand living in.. 10 years in jail maybe ok but to torture someone is not acceptable... 1 rule for falang and bail if your a Thai... I hope he complains to the U.N or a world office because that sentence is digraceful

The paragraphs are even worse!

George, I do have a problem understanding why some people do not believe some of your posts.....

How can you force someone to run and listen to music.. That is a disgrace and what century is the judge and the country of Thailand living in.. 10 years in jail maybe ok but to torture someone is not acceptable... 1 rule for falang and bail if your a Thai... I hope he complains to the U.N or a world office because that sentence is digraceful

Dood... read the first word in the post.

Agreed California so expected.

I will lodge a complaint, this is copyright infringement!

Almost two years ago I used a similar curse on one of the members here:

"May you go to the lowest level of Hell, be bound to a stake next to Tantalus and forced to listen to PTV broadcasts 24 x 7 at full blast sound level with the volume knob just out of reach."

Furthermore, the bathroom facilities that Levine will be using during his prison will be crowded with gay men f*** each other. Although they won’t actually touch Levine, they will constantly size him up with leering glances, and any bodily fluids from their non-stop sex will be left on the bathroom floor for Levine to walk through.

: :

Was this Mickey Mouse court or Donald Duck court..

this is totally a joke and a ridiculous punishment. But again this is Thailand, many things that happens does not happen in civilized countries

Was this Mickey Mouse court or Donald Duck court..

this is totally a joke and a ridiculous punishment. But again this is Thailand, many things that happens does not happen in civilized countries

Lord help us. Another brain surgeon.

How can you force someone to run and listen to music.. That is a disgrace and what century is the judge and the country of Thailand living in.. 10 years in jail maybe ok but to torture someone is not acceptable... 1 rule for falang and bail if your a Thai... I hope he complains to the U.N or a world office because that sentence is digraceful

Yep, LOS really is a legal laughing stock, and the accused is laughing too cos he's deaf.

Admin to other admins: "Watch this" Hee hee hee

Frankly satire shouldnt belong in the news section. I'm kinda of sick of it after reading the first article last week.

Its like early April all over again whenever this kind of article comes out

How can you force someone to run and listen to music.. That is a disgrace and what century is the judge and the country of Thailand living in.. 10 years in jail maybe ok but to torture someone is not acceptable... 1 rule for falang and bail if your a Thai... I hope he complains to the U.N or a world office because that sentence is digraceful

You can fool some of the people - well you know the rest. Shows how many TV members 'read' an article and jump on the first bandwagon that's passing.

Frankly satire shouldnt belong in the news section. I'm kinda of sick of it after reading the first article last week.

It is not the fault of TV that they appear to be the same, the reader should know the difference between real and real real.

I believe it, cos it's ABBA.

If this were for real (see, I've got my armoured shields up already) I would put 'Hotel California' on a loop and play that. My local knows if I hear more than 10 notes of this dirge, I immediately put enough dosh into the pot to cover the checkbin and walk. No Tip. The cashier is passing her hat around amongst the ladies to purchase a set of earplugs for me.

The memorial will feature a bronze statue of a person wearing exercise clothing, kneeling before a broken Stairmaster, covering his ears with his hands while screaming.

@Huayrat

Frankly satire shouldnt belong in the news section. I'm kinda of sick of it after reading the first article last week.

Most of the articles that come from The Nation amount to blubbering nonsense or unintentional satire anyways. At least this article is comprehensible and error-free.