Throat Cancer stage IV

[loppylugs1]

Yes it hits and it hits hard. Just a numbing effect the first few days,just does not sink in the total realisation that you will never see that person again,or share the pleasures that you thought would go on forever.

But realisation does take hold and coming to terms with the realisation is the hardest of all,anything and everything you grasp hold of to keep the memories afresh. You never get over it,but you learn to live with it

Nowadays ,years after those events ,for me anyway, I often think I am one day closer to joining my mum and dad,all my long lost friends even my long departed dogs.

Is there life after death? who knows,but I look on it as this, you came from something so you go back to that something.

Anyway you had time to plan and say your goodbyes,for some they do not have that opportunity

[Kitsune]

Thanks, not easy though, wherever I go and whatever I do, it reminds me of him but I guess that this is the "regular" process

Thinking of him constantly is totally normal, perhaps when you think of him; try to picture him, in a positive manner, in a serene state, ridden of all pains and worries, may be watching you over.

[alyx]

After a bit more than a month, I start having some good memories popping up to mind.

Of course pain and bad times are still here but I feel like it is kind of 'levelling'

[robertthebruce]

Hi

Thanks,for,the update,I always have a look to,see,if you have posted anything, it's a true saying Time is a healer....,

Take care, and think of all the good times and fond memories, you had together..

Cheers

Robert

[n210mp]

I try to be philosophical.

It is hard to be logical and hard headed when emotions are involved but even though I fail miserably I still try and look at "life" as it really is, a short interlude for any sentient or thinking person .

As one gets older it becomes clear to oneself that death comes without warning.

I look back at my life and can remember many friends and acquaintances dying sometimes through accident sometimes through illness and I stopped weighing the odds of my own demise when I realized that there was no pattern or logic to life ending .

Since my great realization I have tried to live with "one foot in the grave" that is not being depressive, melancholy or morose but delighting in the nature of life and how we cope!

I witness all around me the daily struggle by people who face great problems and adversity and I am humbled by their great courage in handling such troubles, troubles that would seriously stop my ability to bounce back after such loss or problem.

So one answer would be to be eternally grateful to your God for all that you have experienced in life, if it was all bad then you have my complete sympathy and commiseration but if it was like mine full of love and friendship with just enough loss to temper my soul but not destroy it then I am grateful.

I have lost so much through the deaths of my close friends and family but gained so much through the experience.

Not that I would wish to go through it again but if you live and love (and I do, thank God!) this scenario is going to present itself either to you or the one that you love sometime in the future.

I try to be philosophical

But fail miserably!

So now when I look back at my life and tears come into my eyes I thank my lucky stars for all that I have been privileged to enjoy, the love of my dearest family and friends and the wisdom to understand that life is just that Life and ergo there must be death somewhere lurking.

A lifetime ago when breeding Hackney horses and after the death of a long awaited and hard worked for foal, a farmer friend who at that time I thought a little callous, made a remark that was to cause me later to agree and understand

It was a turning point in my life and changed the manner that I looked at the inevitability of death, He said;

"Where there is livestock, there will always be dead stock"

At the time his remark really hurt but then I it dawned on me that this great big hard nosed Yorkshire man who never showed any softness or sentiment towards anybody or his animals must have gone through exactly what I was going through to make a statement like He did.

Now so many years later I face a new set of problems and concerns.

I am married to a one in ten million lady who is 22 years my junior who loves me and treats me like a King, I adore and worship her when we are not arguing but in the quiet moments of refection I have to face that on average I will be departing this life before her and so therein lies the heartache, who is going to take care of her when I am gone.

Without going into this problem too deeply I already think I have come to a conclusion.

My conclusion is that I cannot interrupt or stop her inheritance or right to all the grief that she will have to face at my demise.

This is part of her lot and mine too for that matter and if we do not suffer when we lose a loved one then what is our love worth in the first place.

The weight of my suffering in the loss of those I have been so very privileged to have loved and still love ,yes even in death is directly related to the depth of the love we shared.

I feel that I am waffling on a bit here Alyx but never the less I felt compelled to talk to you about my experiences once again in the hope that there may be some positive perspective gained

Wan and I talk about you and Wan being a Thai lady is much more composed than I am, however we have you in our thoughts and prayers and hope that you can feel the depth of feeling that we share with you in your loss

[krisb]

Some lovely posts on this thread.

Edited August 17, 2014 by krisb

[Cuddlycat]

I did not lost one yet. Just about going to. Not sure how soon.

I feel truly sorry for those who had lost their love ones. I really am

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

Edited August 17, 2014 by Cuddlycat

[Sheryl]

Posts discussing/debating cancer treatment have been removed given that the subject of the thread has already died.

[alyx]

I did not lost one yet. Just about going to. Not sure how soon.

I feel truly sorry for those who had lost their love ones. I really am

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

Appreciated.

[Cuddlycat]

Alyx.

My mom parsed away today at 5:30 pm while she was sleeping. Finally she had her peace

[Patsycat]

I am so sorry to hear that. From your other posts, i knew she was very ill.

My thoughts are with you. RIP, to your Mama.

[robertthebruce]

Sorry to hear your news, she is at peace now......

Take care

X

[alyx]

Alyx.

My mom parsed away today at 5:30 pm while she was sleeping. Finally she had her peace

I guess she had suffered enough

Now, it is time to take care of yourself

[Lumbini]

Thanks for sharing and my prayers are with you as I pause to send you any energy or support I can . This to shall pass

[Cuddlycat]

Alyx.

My mom parsed away today at 5:30 pm while she was sleeping. Finally she had her peace

I guess she had suffered enough

Now, it is time to take care of yourself

We will donate all the equipments to the hospital. I shall carry on my project which I crochet my hat for cancer's survival which I did for couple of times when I was in Bangkok for Siriraj hospital. But as I reside in Chiangmai now, I'll donate to a hospital or any foundation here.

For my beloved mom.

.

[n210mp]

Please accept our deepest condolences in your sad loss Cuddlycat and may your mum now rest in peace

Harvey & Wan

[Cuddlycat]

Please accept our deepest condolences in your sad loss Cuddlycat and may your mum now rest in peace

Harvey & Wan

Thank you. I can feel that she is in heaven. She is a great woman.

[n210mp]

I think the same way about all those people whom I have loved but not really lost just because they have gone from our physical presence

They are still with me today in the loving memories I have of them and even whilst walking on the Dam road at lake Mabrachan this morning was talking to them and thinking about all the great times we had together

It was so nice to think that they were up above the beautiful early morning clouds just looking down at me

One of these days I will get the shock of my life and they will answer me but it doesn't matter if they don't answer because they are within me in my heart

One of the reasons I believe in an heaven is that I cannot understand how so much love can be lost just because the human body fails and dies

My faith really does give me peace and comfort in a life that can be very hard and comfortless

We only need to look around to be grateful when we see the plight of those who are not as fortunate as ourselves

[Sheryl]

So sorry for your loss.

[alyx]

Back to the healing process

As everyone knows, or says, there are well defined phases ( keeping this thread going is certainly one of them ) but I feel like I am not following any of them apart from the very first one, to say, realising that he is dead and won't be around anymore

I still have this guilt ( telling him that it was over ) but everyone seems to agree with the fact that it was a necessary, honest, step.

But it does stop there

The reason why I am bringing that up is that, yesterday, one of my acquaintances, mentioned that I am ( should be ) angry at my spouse because he "left" me: No, I have never felt that way and will not.

Of course I still have this feeling of injustice as I have always considered my partner in life to be "innocent" but no anger there

I go to visit him "on site" a few minutes, I cry often remembering what we were doing at the same time last year, what we could be doing, etc...but I am not depressed

I do not feel his presence nor dream about him ( which I would like, but maybe this absence of signs indicates that he is ok): not that I want to start a debate about life after death ( actually if there was not a continuity, love would have no reason to be )

I go out, go about my life, talk about him, obviously, as soon as I can but that is all there is to it.

For those, who have been, or are going, through this, have you skipped some phases, if not all?

I do feel that it is going to take a while, although I think he'll always be a part of me, but, again, I am not following the usual path, or am I

[alyx]

I should add that I lost my mother last year, which set off the "usual" phases, lasting a bit less than a year, I think.

But I cannot relate to my first grief in terms of cycles compared to the one I am currently going through.

[Sheryl]

Everyone grieves in their own unique way. And every loss is unique so event the same person will not grieve in the same ay each time. The so-called "stages" are an oversimplication and in no way universal.

About the only universal is that it is hard and takes time.

[Patsycat]

There will be days when you feel good, and days when you feel like you want to shout at the world.

As Sheryl said, everyone grieves differently. But eventually the pain and sadness will mellow and your life shall start to shine again, my father died 11 years ago and i have got to the stage of missing him but not in the heartwrenching, tearful way it was even 5 years ago. As a family we can now talk and laugh about him without feeling too sad.

It's difficult to write about bereavement, because it is a very private thing. You will get through it and have happy memories to think about, not cry about eventually.

With my father's death, i couldn't express my sorrow to my friends. They sort of threw it aside, she'll get over it etc. Until one person took me aside, a guy who i didn't know or even like who had gone through the same thing a few months before me. We sat, had a beer and brought out the same feelings and sadness in an hours conversation. Finally, i had found someone who was feeling the same as me. It was good to vent to this person.

Try and find someone like him. Not a shoulder to cry on, but someone who really knows and understands what you are going through.

Edited September 9, 2014 by Patsycat

[alyx]

Actually I had lunch with someone who knew my spouse, meeting him from time to time

They were not that close but got along well: I was so surprised to see him crying. That helped as, up till now, nobody seemed to care or even notice he was gone.

But you are right, "normal" people cannot understand and even if they do, they can hardly reason the person affected.

As I said, I don't feel any anger, I don't feel that lonely, just crying because I think he was unlucky, health wise, that life could have been kinder to him

Of course emotions run high when I am in places we have been or could "be" together but overall, I am not distraught.

[alyx]

Reviving ( kind of weird word considering the situation ) in order to mark the first anniversary

[alyx]

Jak, My Love,

One year, Fifty two weeks, Fifty two sad Sundays,

Have slowly gone by. Three hundred sixty five days...

I can't help but thinking of you, every second

I am awake, as Time cannot break our bond.

Hold my hand, lay next to me, stay with me at night,

Is what I longed for, three hundred sixty four nights.

They let you down. You were taken away from me.

Powerless, helpless, I thought that I was ready

To let you go: I knew, that I had lost the fight.

I abandoned you and let you out of my sight.

I feared not telling them that this pain had to end,

Not fathoming that I was losing you...my friend.

All these years, we loved each other, grew together,

Looking forward to walking, as one, much farther,

Until it'd be time, when we would be very old,

Side by side, to bid farewell, without being told,

Falling asleep in my arms, your heart against mine,

Both knowing that tomorrow, at last, would be fine.

We had it all. You gave me love and happiness,

You gave yourself to me with this smile on your face;

That very smile you shared with everyone, everywhere

You went. Now? I see it in the sky, in the air.

My love for you, is stronger than the Elements,

The Unknown will never alter my sentiment.

I know... it is time to let you go...and I can,

I know... this is not the end, it's part of the plan.

I know... this is not the time to cry, anymore,

I know... that I feel again what I felt before.

I know... that we are one, You and I, anyways,

Today, three hundred sixty five days, and...always.

Your Love, Alyx

Edited June 21, 2015 by alyx

[arunsakda]

My father, Lifelong fan of "Benson and Hedges " suffered similarly. My hatred for the cigarette knows no bounds.

[Sheryl]

Lovely poem, Alyx. Thanks for sharing it.

I am sure the past 12 months have been hard for you. I hope you are starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel in terms of your acute grief and ability to move on and start enjoying life again, even though you will always miss him.

[alyx]

I admit that he is constantly occupying my thoughts and I can't stop myself from visiting our last residence every day

I know it does sound weird but it just helps me

Life goes on, of course, socialising, laughing but always on my mind

[rott]

Condolences Alyx, your poem was very touching as indeed is the whole thread which I have not seen before.

You are getting on with life even though still carrying a great deal of pain, your loss will always be a loss and I just hope and trust things get better/easier for you.